Claire, Andi, and Nikki
Oh Juan Pablo, my friend, what have you done? You had these girls on a string, but something has gone horribly wrong.
You were handed everything on a silver platter. 27 girls showed up at your front door wanting to fall in love with you, wanting to mother your current and future children, and dying for a wildly over-the-top wedding funded by ABC and officiated by Chris Harrison with a guest list full of reality television rejects.
Juan Pablo, all you had to do was smile, listen, and let the girls do all of the talking—all of it. You did so well for so long…
But you blew it. You just had to open your trap in the fantasy suite to the one girl who actually has the ability to listen and process information without her brain function being block by the thought of Neil Lane fitting her for a 4-carat diamond engagement ring.
Let’s get to this nonsense. Here’s what we learned last night… Read more
Juan Pablo with Renee and her mute son.
Juan Pablo’s frequent flyer miles outweighed the entertainment value of what was a dull episode of The Bachelor last night. Now I know why ABC is giving us two episodes this week—they’re apologizing for a snoozer of a hometown episode. Claire’s (Clay-er’s) family of middle-aged women and a mute mother were the only redeeming quality, but we’ll get more into that rag-tag group later.
Instead of a list of what we learned last night, I’m going to rank the families. Here are the rules…
Each family will start with 100 points. From there I will deduct points in a totally subjective way with no clear pattern. This is of course mirroring the perfectly broken system used in Olympic figure stating. The families are ranked from 1st to 4th.
Let’s begin… Read more
Unquestionably, one of the biggest omissions on last year’s Oscar nominations was the absence of Leonardo DiCaprio in Best Supporting Actor for “Django Unchained.”
The performance, regarded as one of his finest, was seen as a lock for some sort of recognition. Awards watchers didn’t expect the Academy to opt for the selection of his co-star Christoph Waltz instead, who would ultimately go on to win the award. Read more
Any time I confront a group of Southern white women, I’m instantly reminded of countless National Geographic specials. Like herds of animals in the African Sahara, this unique species consume new trends in packs. They invade a concept for a short period of time, “conquer it” (at least in their view) and then move on to the next obsession.
Why? It’s in their blood. There’s a reason figures like Scarlett O’Hara stand tall above other female characters in literature: there’s this abundant drive inherent in Southern white women to latch on to certain items of buzz in the culture and make them their own. And similar to the Union solider in “Gone with the Wind,” God forbid you stand in their way, or you could end up with a bullet in you.
Welcome to Miami, bienvenidos a Miami!
“If the moon and the skies and everyone wants us to be together…”
-Juan Pablo, Philosopher
(There was no ending to that sentence in real life, by the way. I didn’t cut anything out – it just straight up had no ending)
What we learned from The Bachelor’s trip to Miami… Read more
Alright guys, I’m in the final process of finalizing my rankings for 2013 movies. But, before I share those, I wanted to join the rest of civilization in recommending seeing The Lego Movie.
I had an early finish to the work day yesterday and had only been to the theater once or twice so far this year so I decided to check out the much heralded (96% on Rotten Tomatoes) The Lego Movie. I texted a couple friends as I arrived that I hoped Chris Hansen from Dateline didn’t come plop down in the seat next to me as I was seeing a children’s movie by myself. My writing this post, combined with the common knowledge that I’m not fast enough to outrun Chris Hansen, should be proof enough that I left unscathed.
So, without further adieu, here’s what I liked and didn’t like. We’ll start with what I didn’t. Read more
T.J. Oshie nets the game-winner.
1) Oshie in Sochi! If you try typing that sentence on your phone or computer, autocorrect will swiftly add an exclamation point. Even if you write it by hand, your pen will take over and force the exclamation point onto the page—similar to this familiar scene from Liar Liar.
But I digress…
T.J. Oshie, the 27-year-old forward on the US men’s hockey team, buried the game-winning goal on his sixth attempt in the 8th round of a sudden death shootout versus the Russians. In a span of 20 minutes, Oshie went from being an unknown to a national hero. He has picked up roughly 130,000 new twitter followers, and his name is second only to TJ Maxx when you type “TJ” into a Google search. Oshie has also handled the newfound spotlight with grace and humility, crediting his goalie and teammates for their efforts in the defeat of the Russians. I’m curious to see what happens when he returns home to St. Louis and the NHL. Regardless of the team’s final results, I believe he has earned an interview on the Tonight Show w/ Fallon, and of course a sit down with ESPN’s own Barry Melrose. Hopefully his NHL schedule will allow some time for his personal brand to flourish. Read more