I’d like to apologize for the delay of this Bachelor recap. Could I blame it on the National Championship game that aired at the same time as The Bachelor on Monday? Sure. Should I blame it on the fact that I had a busy day Tuesday at my actual job that makes me money? Maybe, but why tell you anything that’s not the cold hard truth.
The truth is that I was trapped inside Olivia’s mouth for the past 24 hours.
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
The Bachelor could not return to our lives at a better time of the year. Christmas has come and gone, and you’ve watched George Bailey run around Bedford Falls screaming, “My mouth’s bleeding, Burt! My mouth’s bleeding!” Every time his voice gets louder 10 angels lose their wings. New Year’s Eve/Day is over and you vowed to never get talked into going to an 80’s cover band party again where you ring in the New Year with a bunch of strangers wearing neon windbreakers. Now you have returned to work where you politely asked a coworker how their break was, and they went way too into detail about the dynamics of their relationship with their parents. Then you go home and try to forget about it all and you scroll through Twitter begging for a distraction and you see that the local newspaper tweeted a story about Kacey Musgraves’ boots being stolen in Nashville and she now might write a song about it (that’s a real thing). Now all you can think is, “When, when does it end?”
December 10th, 2015:
Two of my best friends had their first child, Noah.
Serial season 2 dropped out of nowhere and introduced us to a real-life Homeland season 1 story, all through our old pal Sarah Koenig.
The Golden Globe’s announced their nominations, and they listed The Martian as a comedy (or even at all).All of those things are great.
Disclaimer: I watched the show immediately after my favorite hockey team suffered a brutal loss. All comments and analogies will most likely reflect how upset I was at the time. I’m still upset, for what it’s worth. But hey, you know the old saying – it’s better to let a sporting event ruin your day/week/month than to put it in perspective with the grand scheme of life! On top of that, halfway through writing this recap I knocked over a 24oz tumbler of coffee off of my desk and directly into my workbag. So just keep that in mind when you feel like I may have crossed the line.
(Am I the only person in America who TiVo’d the Bachelorette to watch after the Stanley Cup Final?)
(Am I the only person on earth still saying TiVo when referring to any television recording? I don’t know why I do that – I never even owned an actual TiVo.)
Let’s get to it…
This past Monday I felt an emptiness in my life. I knew it had nothing to do with my work or my personal life or not pursuing my dreams or anything like that, so I googled “the bachelorette 2015 start date,” and to my delight I found that it starts this coming Monday, May 18th!
The natural next step was to look for the bios. I had a cold sweat when I thought that I missed the bio release, but then when looking on ABC’s page I couldn’t find any bios except for Britt, Kaitlyn, and author of The Perfect Letter, Chris Harrison.
Ain’t no party like a Bachelor party, cuz a Bachelor party is FIVE HOURS THIS WEEK.
Guys (girls), I can’t believe Farmer Chris and Jade sat there and watched her strip… I mean, how did it come to that? Ugh, but we’ll get to that later, anyway…