Given the success of our first couple round table discussions here at The Wise Guise (The Emmys Nominations discussion & the debate about The Olympics), we thought it’d be fun to get the regular contributors together, along with some of our newest contributors to the blog, to preview the college football season.  At various stages in the e-mail thread, other friends of The Wise Guise were added. Chaos, hilarity, and occasional insight ensued. Enjoy!

Joseph: Thoughts on doing a Wise Guise roundtable for college football season?

Brett: Would definitely be down to do this.  We can talk about how adidas is now consulting Dmitri Mendeleev on uniform design.

Joseph: And with that comment, it does appear as if The 2012 College Football Wise Guise Round Table has begun.  We’re 8 days away from the Vanderbilt/South Carolina opening game of the season.

Brett – as our resident college football expert, you want to start the debate with some suggested talking points?

Colin: I just want Lane Kiffin to win it all. You’re welcome.

Clayton: That’s it. I’m setting another mattress on fire.

Brett: September 1st at Cowboy Stadium Alabama takes on Michigan.  Who you got in that one, the jorts or the hair gel? And will the winner be the best team that plays at Cowboys Stadium all year?

Joseph: I will admit, now that we’ve seen that we can have two SEC teams in the BCS Championship Game, I’m ready for it to be an SEC team against Lane Kiffin’s Evil Empire or those Nike machine ducks from the Northwest.

Joseph: 1) I wish I had Alabama’s D/ST for Fantasy Football this season.  2) You have to believe Alabama will win by at least 10 points. AT LEAST! If not, Nick Saban (or his daughter) will more than likely sacrifice 18 sorority girls to the BCS football gods. 3) Over/under on number of times they show Tony Romo or Jerry Jones on TV during that game? I’m going to set it at 17.

Clayton: I feel like this is under-discussed as well…

Warner: How would Dez Bryant deal with Saban’s daughter? I’d pay to see that in the octagon.

Clayton: Motion to include Chad Johnson in that discussion?

Warner: Is he back to that name? No more Ochco Cinco?  But seriously, Alabama will probably play USC in the National Title game and I really see Kiffin and The Trojans winning. However you can’t even argue that if all 12 Pac 12 teams played the 12 best SEC teams, that the SEC wouldn’t go 11-1 assuming USC beats Bama.

Brett: Honeypot, I mean the Honey Badger, is in rehab, otherwise I’d throw him into the octagon as well.  I’m curious to see how healthy Eddie Lacy really is going into the Michigan game.  Saban says the knee is day to day, but the rumors are  it’s a little worse than that.  If he can’t go, true freshman TJ Yeldon should get the nod.  Saban guards injury information closer than his social security number. And the least surprising thing I learned all year was that Nick Saban’s daughter has anger issues.

Colin: What about Urban Meyer and The Ohio State University? You know ESPN will be gobbling all over that salacious Big 10 dong. “48 hours until the biggest and longest rivalry in college football. A battle between two rising superstars in the college coaching world.” I have a new logo for that sports station WWESPN because that’s where it has gone to fellows (no offense Warner). I’ll pose this question, what is your worst case scenario for a national championship game/your own team of rooting choice?

Brett: I’d rather hand our country’s economic development over to the Greeks than see Oklahoma lift the crystal ball.

Colin: A Big East/Big 10 matchup would be worse than listening to Gilbert Gottfried read MacBeth on a low budget microphone.

Warner: Worst Cases – National Championship: Michigan St. vs Kansas St. Everything we know as college football normalcy falls to hell and two crappy BCS schools in the preseason top 25 sneak in the game after somehow running the table. Think Auburn and Oregon from a couple of years ago. Two good teams that weren’t initially heralded as the best in the land dominated throughout the year, other teams stumbled, and bam, those two go to the ‘Ship. So it would be like that. But with awfully boring teams that nobody gives a crap about.

Personal Team: I’m an Ole Miss fan. The worst case is usually the WORST case. 0-12. Best case, we finish somewhere better than 14th in the SEC.

Brett: I’ll be at Vaught Hemingway to watch Texas take on Ole Miss.  Barring a chernobyl like meltdown from David Ash, I’m hoping to get in, get out with the W, and enjoy the Grove.

Warner, apparently Matthew Mcconaughey dropped 200K to rent out City Grocery for Texas fans that weekend.

Colin: Worst case scenario for Tennessee: Losing to Vanderbilt and Kentucky in the same year, Dooley being fired and the Vols then hiring Slyvester Croome as the man in charge. Ever notice his hat was never on straight?

Warner: Brett, I was told by a restaurant owner in Oxford that John Currence (owner of City Grocery) made that rumor up himself just to a) see how far it would go and b) make sure people from Ole Miss called to make reservations.

Was also told by another Oxford source that Currence told McConaughey that he could rent it out, as long as McConaughey himself did not show up. Bottom line is that that rumor is just a rumor. I believe the first explanation more than the second. But reservations are still being taken by City Grocery.

Brett: Makes sense.

Worse tattoo, Tyler Bray or AJ McCarron?

Warner: McCarron, and it’s not even that close.

1) It hurt worse.

2) It cost more.

3) It took longer.

At least Bray’s still has that, “Maybe he was hammered when he got it and thought it would be funny.” look. Which for beer bottle throwing Bray isn’t too much of a stretch.

Colin: Is Lee Corso still alive?

Clayton: Listen fellas, long time listener, first time caller, just wanted to say you’re doing one hell of a job landscaping the college football scene today!

Brett: I’m fairly certain Lee Corso died three years ago and they just overdub his voice on live TV with recordings from the old NCAA video games.

Clayton: Guys I’m adding Jeremy “Jameer” Wilson to the mix here. Jeremy we’re discussing anything across the college football landscape today. Mostly just absurd things thus far.

Jameer: How many SEC teams would win the ACC this year?

I say Bama, LSU, Arkansas (even with John L Smith), Georgia, and South Carolina. Anyone else?

Colin: The Commodores have a shot if Wake Forest was able to strike fear into the hearts of opposing ACC fans. Sidenote, I hate UNC football fans.

Brett: Okay, let’s hear your Heisman trophy winner, National Championship winner, and what you project for your team.

Heisman Trophy Winner: Montee Ball, RB, Wisconsin.  I don’t want another USC quarterback to win.  Assuming he can avoid getting beat up again by the roving gangs of Madison, he has a legit chance to throw up 2000 yards and 30 TD’s.  Ron Dayne was the last Wisconsin player to win the award.  I like Ball’s NFL prospects even more than Dayne’s.  He has elite speed, quick cuts in the open field, and he doesn’t seem share Dayne’s affinity for zebra cakes.  The Dayne Train definitely had a buffet car.

National Championship Winner: LSU.  The Mathieu loss hurts, but he was overrated as a cover corner and Tharold Simon should be able to slide right in.  Safety Eric Reid is elite.  Sam Mongomery and Barkevious Mingo are premium passrushers.  Assuming Zach Mettenberger has learned to lay off the sauce, he should be an immediate upgrade over Jordan Jefferson.  The only thing that even makes me hesitate is Les Miles.  I’ll never forget the 2009 Ole Miss/LSU MENSA Bowl between him and Houston Nutt.

What I’m projecting for Texas: 10-2.  Screw all of you guys, it’s happening.

Colin: Tyler Bray- Heisman winner…He will have 2 of the top 10 wide recievers in the country in Rodgers and Hunter. (read in Swamp People narrator voice) With his gunslinger mentality and the weapons at wide reciever, the possibilities are limitless for Mr.Bray.

National Champion is USC. Too much fire power, lots of speed on defense, and the sageness of The laneTrain brings back the crystal to the WESTSIDE because you and I know its the best side.

Brett: (in response to Colin’s Tyler Bray Heisman prediction)

Joseph: I wanted to bring in Jayzor and the Ol Bobcat to this discussion if they choose to contribute.

1) First things first, two great reads from the ESPN The Magazine (can they really change the name of that? it doesn’t flow in conversation AT ALL!) College Football Preview issue.

– I hate Ohio State and even though I respect him as a coach, I’ve never liked Urban Meyer either. HOWEVER, for perspective on the all-encompassing nature of college football and a fascinating profile (though lengthy) on Meyer’s struggles with pride, perfectionism, and being a good family man.

– A discussion of the relationship between football and the South.

2) I’m with the skeptical hippo.

3) Dez Bryant. Nick Saban’s daughter. Chad Johnson. Triple Threat Ladder match.  The undercard would be Erin Andrews vs. Jenn Sterger with Brett Favre as special guest referee.

4) Worst case scenario in the National Championship game would be another game like last year. Yeesh. I’d take Gilbert Gottfried reading the most salacious parts of 50 Shades of Grey over that any day. Oh wait? That already exists? Really? Sigh.

5) Worse case scenario for Vanderbilt would be losing James Franklin after this season to another team.

6) Vanderbilt would win the ACC. James Franklin knows that conference inside and out. And he knows none of the coaches there have hot wives.

7) Odds that Lee Corso would run out and interrupt the Erin Andrews vs. Jenn Sterger match, bashing Erin Andrews over the head with a chair and spray painting nWo on her body: 100%.

8) Tyler Bray’s tattoo is the worst. By far. At least looking at McCarron’s can confuse people and cause people to roll their eyes. Bray’s is so stupidly simple with the cartoon stars… it just further shows he’s not only extremely arrogant with the most inflated ego, but he’s also not complex in his idiocy in the slightest.  I hear he loves biting chicks as a trademark as well. Absurd.

9) My predictions:  Heisman Trophy Winner – Matt Barkley.  My roommate in Phoenix during my legal fellowship this summer saw Barkley against Notre Dame last year and said he’s just the real freakin’ deal… one of the best QBs he’s ever seen live. And he’s a Bears fan who has seen the legend that is Jay Cutler! AND FREAKIN’ REX GROSSMAN! I just think USC and Barkley will live up to the hype this year… but I don’t think they’ll win the BCS National Title. But Barkley will win the Heisman because he’ll get in the title game.

BCS Championship: As much as I don’t want to see Saban’s Tide roll to another title, if I was putting money on it, I’d bet on Bama over USC to win the title again.

My Commodores: 8-5 with a win in a bowl game. Count it! We’re gonna shock the world. Slow and steady climb to becoming an SEC powerhouse. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but James Franklin builds fast.

10) Matthew McConaughey is just the worst. What he would do with Ole Miss sorority girls around… I can’t even fathom.

Funke: I don’t have much to add to this conversation except, of course, for Tyler Bray’s cellphone number, which is (559) xxx-5xx4. Let it be a light when all others go out.

Brett:

Vanderbilt also picked up Mack Weaver last night, a TE/DE prospect out of Memphis.  Offers from Ole Miss, Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas, and Arizona State among others.  Private school kid, so competition level is a bit of a concern, but Franklin loved him.  Rumor is he was the top defensive end left on their board.  Probably a high three star player with four star upside.  Great frame and super athletic.

Warner: Anyone else excited to see what Fuente can do at Memphis this year? Anyone?

(Crickets)

Hey! At least Memphis fans, all 2500 of them, can buy beer at the stadium.

Aside from Mathieu obviously being the earliest Heisman candidate to fall out of contention, who else do you see struggling that everyone else expects to be incredible? I see Denard Robinson having a rough year after having to deal with the Alabama defense early on in the season. Also, I don’t think Knile Davis is going to run all over the SEC. I just see Arkansas having an interesting season now that Bobby “Rough Rider” Petrino is gone.

Jameer: Clayton, did you invite me to a Vandy message board?

Brett: I’d argue Tyler Wilson could very well be the best player in America.  If you switch him with Matt Barkley, he’s just as successful.  Much better player than Mallet was before him.  Wilson is a tough son of a bitch too.

Warner: Colin, wanna take back that prediction of Bray getting the Heisman?

Da’Rick done gone and got suspended indefinitely. Idiot.

Colin: MOTHER $%&@$%! Fire Dooley!

 

Warner: Being a Rebel fan forces you to find teams to cheer against, you know so you can actually cheer between September and December. I whole heartedly cheer against Tennessee. Their constant suspensions, committing of crimes, and general douchebaggery makes it very easy for me. I feel kind of bad for Dooley.

Colin: I blame James Franklin for Rodgers suspension.

Joseph: A little pop quiz…

True or False: I’ve been humming the Memphis Tigers fight song all morning since reading Warner’s e-mail.

True or False: Derek Dooley has never had control of his team.

True or False: I hope James Franklin is the one to blame for the Da’Rick suspension.

Brett: The Fulmer Cup is staying in Knoxville

Jameer: True, False, True.

Vandy fans are experiencing the “Pearl Experience.” Sooner or later you’ll all realize that your coach is a D Bag and just a hype man for the program. I predict that by 2015, James Franklin will be introducing Three 6 Mafia at music fest. His catchphrase? “Where all the white girls at?!”

Brett: Did you guys all get the invitation to Coach Pearl’s BBQ on Saturday?  Hope to see you all there!

Warner: No, I guess mine got lost in the mail.

I did however get the invite to Josh Pastner’s Labor Day Bash at Chuck E. Cheese. Sucks that we can only have non-caffeinated drinks and can’t play any games designed for kids 10 and up this year. Guess that’s the price you pay to be a Tiger.

According to Dooley, Rogers is out for the year.

Take comfort Vols. The Rebs lost Razzle Dazzle Brassell and Tobias Singleton this off-season. In fact, less than half of the recruits that could be eligible to play for us this year have actually made it this far. I think 48% of the players are still active Rebels.

The others? Who knows. I guess Houston Nutt’s People Heppin’ Bidness wasn’t as great as we all wanted to believe. At least Masoli got his Park Ranger degree.

Serious question, if Dooley has a bad season this year (6-6 or worse), is he gone?

Colin: V-O-L-S

Brett: Sorry for the delay. I was at the Rick Barnes luncheon. The food and entertainment showed a lot of promise at the start, but it fizzeled out at the end.

Maybe Da’Rick can go join his old buddy Nash Nance playing D3 ball.

Clayton:

Brett Good: Is this a wrap for our first round?  I’d be down for making this a weekly or bi weekly thing.

Warner: It could be fun doing it every week.

Clayton: I agree. A weekly one we post on Fridays would be fun to do of things we’re looking forward to.

It was at this point we assumed we were done with our discussion previewing the 2012 college football season and its opening weekend. We assumed wrong. The fireworks were just about to begin…