1. “I appreciate you.”
Sean said this to WhiteLesley in an intimate moment on a bench (duh, like, all the intimate moments in this show happen on benches), and it made everyone across the world cringe. This is something that, say, your boss says to you. Or your mom. Or your first-born child (God forbid). Not your bachelor lover. I know SweatySean totally digs WhiteLesley’s completely overwhelming level of NORMALITY, but being “appreciated” has never been code for: let’s get married and have lots of post-marital sex and babies.
1. “Is that a helicopter?”
Said LiabilityLindsay, as she walked towards a helicopter. Sure is, SweatySean responded. Suffice it to say, this girl has little to offer except that she is certifiably crazy and spends most of her Sean-time with her tongue down his throat. She also said the phrase, “When I was an adolescent,” which nobody has ever said, ever. Maybe she doesn’t know what a teen-a-ger is.
The previews for next week’s double feature of The Bachelor were, as usual, far more interesting than the show itself. They featured a hypothermic ambulance ride, tears (naturally), and girls going nuts. Just a great way to start off a week. This week was BLEH as usual, but with so many idiotic people being filmed at the same time, there’s still a few shining moments.
First, Sean’s one-on-one, where he jet-set to Joshua Tree with Selma, a terrifyingly small Iraqi chick whose boobs were precariously close to bouncing out of her shirt the whole time. We couldn’t look away!
Busty Muslim. (From her ABC Bio page)
Oh boy! The Bachelor this week featured all kinds of goodies for our eyes and our ears. Per usual, the show remained inane and void of any tolerable content, but due to its predictability and redundancy, there’s plenty to write about!
Sean obviously took WhiteLesley on his first one-on-one this week, taking her to the Guinness World Records Store? Museum? Restaurant? Dungeon? To break the record for the “World’s Longest On Screen Kiss.” It sort of seems like a roundabout way of eschewing sexual assault, but apparently the record is something like, three and a half minutes, which inspired hope in all high schoolers who spend the majority of Friday nights making out in their basements.
Longest Kiss looks like CHILD’S PLAY (from Hollywood Life)
On last night’s episode of The Bachelor, America got a taste for Sean Lowe: the new American hero. He looks like a firefighter and a virginal princess got together and conceived him while donating all their money to charity. Still– Let me preface by saying that I don’t love Sean, only because I find it difficult to have an overwhelming and debilitating crush on him. He’s just not my style. Too many muscles or something. But, when Chris Harrison dubbed him as the “most sincere” bachelor he’s had on the show yet, that has to count for something, right? Chris is divorced now! Sean Lowe is all he has!
While most of you idiots were watching the boring National Championship yesterday, I was guh-lued to my seat for this season’s premiere of The Bachelor. For everyone who is reading this simply so that I don’t disown you as a friend or future spouse, I’ll quickly fill you in (really, don’t watch the show, it’s terrible).