Welcome to Miami, bienvenidos a Miami!
“If the moon and the skies and everyone wants us to be together…”
-Juan Pablo, Philosopher
(There was no ending to that sentence in real life, by the way. I didn’t cut anything out – it just straight up had no ending)
What we learned from The Bachelor’s trip to Miami… Read more
I am in a fantasy league centered on The Bachelor. There, I said it.
When I moved to Nashville in early January, a few of my friends had a group of people that they watched The Bachelor with, and I was fortunate enough to be adopted into this inner circle of reality TV watchers. We then decided to make things interesting and created a fantasy league for this season. We had a draft after the first episode, giving all nine of us two contestants each. Every week I send out an email recap to our group, and this week I decided to share it with my friends on The Wise Guise.
(Disclaimer: I have watched The Bachelor for a long time. Too long, some may argue. I was hooked from the moment that Trista was told she had one, and then the guy pulled the old switch on her, which then landed her as the first Bachelorette. Ok, that’s enough of a history lesson.)
AND THEN THERE WERE SIX…
Down the stretch we go!
What we learned this week… Read more
Well guys, The Bachelor is back and this time it’s better/worse/more excruciating than ever! Our STEAMY bachelor, Juan Pablo, is known for being able to take off his shirt, juggle a soccer ball, and make women melt with his basic subject-predicate sentences in ENGLISH. I may have missed the premiere last week, which I admit is a shame because it’s the drunkest women will ever get in the whole world and all of time, but I’m still here and we’ve got some people to make fun of.
The first one on one date took place in some sort of fake snow situation that was like a fairytale duhhhh and also there were bikinis I think. Superhotgirl#330 kept saying that “Juan Pablo makes me feel like a kid again!!!” but that’s probably mostly because she has to speak in SIMPLE SENTENCES so he can understand her. Oh, and I know you were wondering if Superhotgirl#330 ever had trouble being vulnerable and opening up? SHE DID SHE HAS SHE DID ALERT THE AUTHORITIES!
It’s that time again. That’s right – there are two magical times a year in which a brand new batch of Americans get “marooned” in a remote location that is nearly always an island in a tropical locale. For those of you who haven’t been so lucky to see my blog posts in the past discussing “Why Survivor is Still Relevant”, Survivor Fantasy Teams, and game play analysis, welcome to my guiltiest of pleasures. Either you’re a skeptic and you’re done reading this post now, or there’s something inside of you that also realizes Survivor is one of the best things to ever air on television.
As for this post, I’m previewing the new season, which promises a completely different game from every version we’ve ever seen before. After seasons of tinkering with the structure of the game and experimenting with one twist at a time, this season not only provides a completely new casting concept, but also provides multiple game-changing twists that will ensure this season will be one of the most unique ever. Will it pan out? I’m hopeful. But then again, I’m a Survivor loyalist.
The Bachelorette finale happened last night, while you were probably somewhere not caring. AND, in case you missed it last week too, basically Des’s number-one-boo was NOT IN LOVE WITH HER and bolted home while she sat in piles of tears on a dock. So, she had two dudes left (whom she’s not in love with) and everyone (no one) was like Whaaaa?!
OH MAN. THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
Since this finale was a two-parter (thank God), this episode STARTED with a finale rose ceremony, where Des didn’t have to actually send anyone home because the love of her life had already left on his own accord. During the “ceremony,” Chris was looking normal-dude aggravated that she was clearly crying because she missed ANOTHER GUY. And Drew was all, I wonder if I can collect her tears and turn them into Des-lotion. Read more
Holy bonkers, y’all. The Bachelorette got OFF THE CHAIN last night. We’re talking, like, this should have been the only episode in this entire season, bonkers. We’re not going to do a traditional five point recap because the only recap is the fact that BROOKS DOESN’T LOVE DES AND WHAT THE HELL IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW????
Okay, so let me break it down for you:
Des went on two FANTASY SUITE dates with Drew and then Chris, and nothing at all interesting happened, except probably some behind-the-scenes heavy petting, and both dudes wildly professing their love for her while she secretly pretended she was dry humping Brooks.