Claire, Andi, and Nikki
Oh Juan Pablo, my friend, what have you done? You had these girls on a string, but something has gone horribly wrong.
You were handed everything on a silver platter. 27 girls showed up at your front door wanting to fall in love with you, wanting to mother your current and future children, and dying for a wildly over-the-top wedding funded by ABC and officiated by Chris Harrison with a guest list full of reality television rejects.
Juan Pablo, all you had to do was smile, listen, and let the girls do all of the talking—all of it. You did so well for so long…
But you blew it. You just had to open your trap in the fantasy suite to the one girl who actually has the ability to listen and process information without her brain function being block by the thought of Neil Lane fitting her for a 4-carat diamond engagement ring.
Let’s get to this nonsense. Here’s what we learned last night… Read more
Juan Pablo with Renee and her mute son.
Juan Pablo’s frequent flyer miles outweighed the entertainment value of what was a dull episode of The Bachelor last night. Now I know why ABC is giving us two episodes this week—they’re apologizing for a snoozer of a hometown episode. Claire’s (Clay-er’s) family of middle-aged women and a mute mother were the only redeeming quality, but we’ll get more into that rag-tag group later.
Instead of a list of what we learned last night, I’m going to rank the families. Here are the rules…
Each family will start with 100 points. From there I will deduct points in a totally subjective way with no clear pattern. This is of course mirroring the perfectly broken system used in Olympic figure stating. The families are ranked from 1st to 4th.
Let’s begin… Read more
Welcome to Miami, bienvenidos a Miami!
“If the moon and the skies and everyone wants us to be together…”
-Juan Pablo, Philosopher
(There was no ending to that sentence in real life, by the way. I didn’t cut anything out – it just straight up had no ending)
What we learned from The Bachelor’s trip to Miami… Read more
I am in a fantasy league centered on The Bachelor. There, I said it.
When I moved to Nashville in early January, a few of my friends had a group of people that they watched The Bachelor with, and I was fortunate enough to be adopted into this inner circle of reality TV watchers. We then decided to make things interesting and created a fantasy league for this season. We had a draft after the first episode, giving all nine of us two contestants each. Every week I send out an email recap to our group, and this week I decided to share it with my friends on The Wise Guise.
(Disclaimer: I have watched The Bachelor for a long time. Too long, some may argue. I was hooked from the moment that Trista was told she had one, and then the guy pulled the old switch on her, which then landed her as the first Bachelorette. Ok, that’s enough of a history lesson.)
AND THEN THERE WERE SIX…
Down the stretch we go!
What we learned this week… Read more
Well guys, The Bachelor is back and this time it’s better/worse/more excruciating than ever! Our STEAMY bachelor, Juan Pablo, is known for being able to take off his shirt, juggle a soccer ball, and make women melt with his basic subject-predicate sentences in ENGLISH. I may have missed the premiere last week, which I admit is a shame because it’s the drunkest women will ever get in the whole world and all of time, but I’m still here and we’ve got some people to make fun of.
The first one on one date took place in some sort of fake snow situation that was like a fairytale duhhhh and also there were bikinis I think. Superhotgirl#330 kept saying that “Juan Pablo makes me feel like a kid again!!!” but that’s probably mostly because she has to speak in SIMPLE SENTENCES so he can understand her. Oh, and I know you were wondering if Superhotgirl#330 ever had trouble being vulnerable and opening up? SHE DID SHE HAS SHE DID ALERT THE AUTHORITIES!
It’s that time again. That’s right – there are two magical times a year in which a brand new batch of Americans get “marooned” in a remote location that is nearly always an island in a tropical locale. For those of you who haven’t been so lucky to see my blog posts in the past discussing “Why Survivor is Still Relevant”, Survivor Fantasy Teams, and game play analysis, welcome to my guiltiest of pleasures. Either you’re a skeptic and you’re done reading this post now, or there’s something inside of you that also realizes Survivor is one of the best things to ever air on television.
As for this post, I’m previewing the new season, which promises a completely different game from every version we’ve ever seen before. After seasons of tinkering with the structure of the game and experimenting with one twist at a time, this season not only provides a completely new casting concept, but also provides multiple game-changing twists that will ensure this season will be one of the most unique ever. Will it pan out? I’m hopeful. But then again, I’m a Survivor loyalist.
The Bachelorette finale happened last night, while you were probably somewhere not caring. AND, in case you missed it last week too, basically Des’s number-one-boo was NOT IN LOVE WITH HER and bolted home while she sat in piles of tears on a dock. So, she had two dudes left (whom she’s not in love with) and everyone (no one) was like Whaaaa?!
OH MAN. THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
Since this finale was a two-parter (thank God), this episode STARTED with a finale rose ceremony, where Des didn’t have to actually send anyone home because the love of her life had already left on his own accord. During the “ceremony,” Chris was looking normal-dude aggravated that she was clearly crying because she missed ANOTHER GUY. And Drew was all, I wonder if I can collect her tears and turn them into Des-lotion. Read more