I’ve received a lot of e-mails, Facebook posts, and comments from friends eagerly anticipating Wise Guise thoughts on this season of “Survivor.” It seems writing about my love of Survivor in the face of friends’ jokes about it being around for hundreds of seasons has finally paid off. Fear not, fellow Survivor fans. I’ve been keeping up with this season every week and, even though we didn’t post about it like past seasons, we are playing a Wise Guise Survivor Fantasy Game this season as well. We modified the rules slightly, we added more teams, and things are as exciting as ever before! Read more
Like most of America, I fast forwarded through much of The Bachelor finale, only to be disappointed with the fact that Sean picked Catherine, someone I barely even knew was on the show.
Poor Lindsay: She walked through a bunch of woods and rocks only to get dumped on national television despite the fact that she was sure she was about to get engaged. I’ve been dumped in a lot of different ways, but that, folks, is simply awful.
But, because she apparently is a ROCK STAR, she barely cried, she walked away, and she didn’t say anything stupid or too pathetic until she was in the car. That almost never happens.
Then Sean picked Catherine and we all yawned.
Catherine and Sean get weird. (From WetPaint)
This week’s episode of The Bachelor was spectacularly awful. To be honest, I could barely stand to watch the majority of it, as nobody says or does anything interesting, and I don’t find Sean to be ridiculously attractive (as it seems the rest of the country does). Furthermore, the gratuitous shots of him in tank tops staring into the sun are starting to get a bit redundant.
Highlights of this episode? THE PREVIEWS. Things we can learn from this episode?
Last night’s Bachelor was full of all kinds of ups and downs, and left me with more questions than answers. The hometown week took Sean and his ladies to four different destinations, where things were awkward and boring and blahblahblabhlablhab. All you need to know is that:
1. Ash Lee speaks almost entirely in metaphors, and we’re all pretty sure we could write her young adult novel of her life, describing her fear of abandonment in excruciating detail and also mentioning, again, that she was married when she was seventeen.
2. Catherine’s view of marriage is sort of like going to a new restaurant. When her sisters ask her if she wants to marry Sean, she tells them: “If he proposed, I’d be like, yeah, let’s try this!” And also, like, does the chicken come with mashed potatoes? And do you guys have any gluten free beer? Side note and quick piece of advice to CatCat: if Sean was that close to sending you home (and is pretty sure he made a horrible mistake by not sending you home) do you really want to “try out” marrying him???
3.SEAN SENT DESIREE HOME BECAUSE OF HER DOUCHEBAG BROTHER AND RUINED HOPE FOR NORMAL GIRLS EVERYWHERE. Read more
TERRIFYINGTIERRA is GONE! Her parents told her not to let anyone take her sparkle, and she went ahead and took it herself! SweatySean sent her packing, even though he was crazy about her—because that makes perfect sense! This week we’ll do the top 5 Tierra moments from this week after reminding you about the other forgettable things that happened.
(No Sparkle, Plenty of Cleavage-From Gossip Cop!)
WhiteLesley got sent home, after it became painfully obvious that she and Sean were involved in some sort of bro-ship, even though she said she was falling in love with him.
Catherine cried when WhiteLesley got sent home, which was weird, because we thought she liked Sean.
Sean still loves LiabilityLindsay, which nobody in the whole world understands. Read more
1. “I appreciate you.”
Sean said this to WhiteLesley in an intimate moment on a bench (duh, like, all the intimate moments in this show happen on benches), and it made everyone across the world cringe. This is something that, say, your boss says to you. Or your mom. Or your first-born child (God forbid). Not your bachelor lover. I know SweatySean totally digs WhiteLesley’s completely overwhelming level of NORMALITY, but being “appreciated” has never been code for: let’s get married and have lots of post-marital sex and babies.
1. “Is that a helicopter?”
Said LiabilityLindsay, as she walked towards a helicopter. Sure is, SweatySean responded. Suffice it to say, this girl has little to offer except that she is certifiably crazy and spends most of her Sean-time with her tongue down his throat. She also said the phrase, “When I was an adolescent,” which nobody has ever said, ever. Maybe she doesn’t know what a teen-a-ger is.
The previews for next week’s double feature of The Bachelor were, as usual, far more interesting than the show itself. They featured a hypothermic ambulance ride, tears (naturally), and girls going nuts. Just a great way to start off a week. This week was BLEH as usual, but with so many idiotic people being filmed at the same time, there’s still a few shining moments.
First, Sean’s one-on-one, where he jet-set to Joshua Tree with Selma, a terrifyingly small Iraqi chick whose boobs were precariously close to bouncing out of her shirt the whole time. We couldn’t look away!
Busty Muslim. (From her ABC Bio page)
Oh boy! The Bachelor this week featured all kinds of goodies for our eyes and our ears. Per usual, the show remained inane and void of any tolerable content, but due to its predictability and redundancy, there’s plenty to write about!
Sean obviously took WhiteLesley on his first one-on-one this week, taking her to the Guinness World Records Store? Museum? Restaurant? Dungeon? To break the record for the “World’s Longest On Screen Kiss.” It sort of seems like a roundabout way of eschewing sexual assault, but apparently the record is something like, three and a half minutes, which inspired hope in all high schoolers who spend the majority of Friday nights making out in their basements.
Longest Kiss looks like CHILD’S PLAY (from Hollywood Life)
On last night’s episode of The Bachelor, America got a taste for Sean Lowe: the new American hero. He looks like a firefighter and a virginal princess got together and conceived him while donating all their money to charity. Still– Let me preface by saying that I don’t love Sean, only because I find it difficult to have an overwhelming and debilitating crush on him. He’s just not my style. Too many muscles or something. But, when Chris Harrison dubbed him as the “most sincere” bachelor he’s had on the show yet, that has to count for something, right? Chris is divorced now! Sean Lowe is all he has!