Welcome back, movie nerds! Last year I started a new tradition of hosting my own annual movie awards that I deemed “The Grouchos”. This name is obviously meant to be an homage to Groucho Marx (and our logo), and is doubly fitting because I tend to get snarky when it comes to discussing movies. Also, the more I learn about the Oscars voting process, the more grouchy I get with that as well.
In terms of the scoring, remember that I’m using some weird, unofficial formula in my head that merges what I consider to be artistic merit with what gave me the most enjoyment in general. Whatever that means.
(Written by @JeremyWilson412. For more coverage of this season’s The Bachelor, click here)
I’m just not feeling it this week.
I know that’s not the best way to grab attention at the beginning of a blog. If you want people to click on a story about The Bachelor you should title it something like, “What Really Happened to Emily’s Thumb will Shock You!” Or, “How to survive being trapped in Wrigley Field for 9 hours with a guy who doesn’t understand sarcasm,” or maybe, “How many crew members of The Bachelor did Olivia actually swallow whole? The REAL number might surprise you!” Man, we miss you, Olivia. Also, the real number was 12.
But why lie to you? I’m just not feeling it this week. So I think the best thing to do is just… wait, what’s that noise? OMG it’s Ben on his pontoon boat!
(Written by: @JeremyWilson412. For recaps of earlier episodes of The Bachelor go here)
Coming up on this week’s Bachelor recap: I give Olivia’s eulogy at her funeral, we say goodbye to the girls who were sent home, and we figure out who the remaining six girls are if they were one of your friends on Instagram!
But first, I must apologize that this post is coming on a Thursday instead of earlier in the week. I know that The Bachelor is on TV on Mondays and you have already forgotten about it by Thursday, but I was busy. No, not busy with work, but I was tasked with giving the eulogy for Olivia as we said goodbye to her life on The Bachelor.
It was a beautiful service. I know that most of you couldn’t make it, so I’d like to share the eulogy that I gave at the funeral.
(Written by @JeremyWilson412. For more coverage of this season’s The Bachelor, go here)
I kept trying to write this recap on Tuesday, but every time I would get in a rhythm, Olivia kept coming in my room and asking if she could steal me for a second. Then I drove to a coffee shop to get some writing done, and Olivia popped up right next to my parking spot and asked if she could steal me for a second. Then I was trying to watch The People vs OJ Simpson, but Olivia kept appearing on my TV and asking if she could steal me for a second. Even later I was trying to read before going to sleep, and as soon as I opened my book, Olivia popped out of it and asked if she could steal me for a second. GO AWAY, OLIVIA. Is there some way the Sanderson Sisters from Hocus Pocus can come cast a spell on her to make her disappear?
In this week’s episode of “I’m not that girl you saw earlier, that’s not me, I’m not crazy,” Olivia is still a part of our lives, Amber whiffs on her 3rd chance of reality TV marriage bliss, and a certain girl that looks just like another girl gets dumped in her own living room, but first…
Hey guys, it’s been a really tough week for me. I got some news that will alter my life forever. I actually just got a call from my doctor and he told me that I have… wait, hold on, Olivia would like to say something. Go ahead, Olivia…
“Yeah, sorry to interrupt, but I’m really self-conscious about my legs, so I know what it’s like to struggle. Now go ahead, you were saying you like want to be a doctor when you grow up or something.”
Ahhhh, man! She did it again! It happens to the best of us.