I wasn’t going to write about The Bachelor this year, but then a girl showed up in a shark costume convinced it was a dolphin costume.
I wasn’t going to write about The Bachelor this year, but then a girl showed up who hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Did you guys hear about that? I wish she would mention it every time she is on camera. (More to come)
I wasn’t going to write about The Bachelor this year, but then Astrid, the daughter of Jan Levinson (formerly Jan Levinson-Gould) made her first national TV appearance since Michael Scott told her mom that he had herpes…
I wasn’t going to write about The Bachelor this year, but then a girl Lady-and-the-Tramp’d an uncooked hotdog with Nick the moment she first met him, which I didn’t have on my Bachelor Bingo sheet.
I wasn’t going to write about The Bachelor this year because I started to believe that I was ever so slightly above it, but then I found myself at Publix an hour before the season premiere buying champagne to celebrate the start of a new season with my Bachelor-watching crew.
Finally, I wasn’t going to write about The Bachelor this year, but then so many of you ever so kindly asked me, “Dude, WHERE ARE YOUR BACHELOR POSTS?!”
Should I be allowed back into your life after leaving you out to dry for the bios and the first episode? Let me answer my own question with another question that is also from me…
Is there anything more Bachelor-ish than someone (me) showing up during the middle of the season asking someone (you) for a second chance???
So in that spirit…
The Ladies Love Nick
The girls on the show sure do, and they come from a wide variety of backgrounds — diverse by Bachelor standards, which usually means white, eggshell white, bad experience with self-tanner orange, or OMG I’m going to be half naked on TV so I better get a Ross-level spray tan.
There’s Raven from Arkansas, who I’m positive owns an “American by birth, Southern by the grace of God” monogrammed tank top.
There’s Corinne, who is the type of girl that follows at least 10-15 different Instagram accounts that have the word “betches” in the title. If she’s reading this then she just spit coffee out of her mug that reads, “There’s Wine in Here.”
There’s Liz, who is the type of person that smiles like she just realized where she can bury your dead body without a trace.
There’s Jaimi, who is the ringleader of the nose ring resurgence on The Bachelor. By the way, I was ridiculed by my watching group for saying how attractive I find nose rings (or rather nose ring wearers), but I’ll stand by it until I hear a compelling reason not to.
(Please don’t act like an idiot next week, Jaimi – my Bachelor blog reputation is at stake here!)
There’s Kristina, a girl with a hometown listed as Lexington, Kentucky, but carries an accent that sounds like she hacked the 2016 Presidential Election.
(Yes, I did feel bad for writing that joke before learning that she was adopted, but I feel worse that I didn’t cut that joke out after knowing she was adopted and appears to be really nice.)
There’s Christen, who is basically Gretchen Wieners – the movie isn’t really about her but she’s just there to advance the plot by having main characters confide in her.
There’s Josephine, who is the girl from college that you had a large lecture class with but you still remember her vividly because she was such a mess. She’s the type of person who says, “Hashtag,” when telling a story in person and not on the internet. Example: Josephine has hashtag no chance, because she’s hashtag made for Bach in Paradise……… hashtag blessed.
There’s Lacey, who will make us all say, “Who?” when she shows up to Bachelor in Paradise this summer. She’s so forgettable that you are debating whether or not to look up her bio to see who I’m talking about.
Then there’s Danielle M, who is the sweet girl you went to high school with that your Mom bumps into at Target and then calls you to say, “Guess who I saw at Target today? Danielle. She’s in town for Christmas and she’s still singleeeeee…” and then she does that little excited-Hillary-Clinton-Mom-energy-shoulder-shimmy.
Almost every girl on this season admitted the same thing: they like Nick only because of his damage-control campaign on Bachelor in Paradise. It’s definitely a first in BIP to come out looking better than when you arrived. Nick went from a guy who was humiliated on national TV multiple times to now a guy that 25 girls who are young enough to still be on their parent’s health insurance want to marry. It was a remarkable turnaround.
Now I know what you’re going to say: but Jeremy, it doesn’t matter who The Bachelor picks each year, they could cast a beanbag chair as the next bachelor and the girls would still fall in love.
“Oh em gee, I used to have a beanbag chair in my college dorm that I loved, so I’m super excited to get to know this one better and see where this adventure takes us.”
“When we pulled up in the limo he looked a little pudgy, which I’m super into; I bet he’s a great cuddler.”
“I can’t wait to get to know the beanbag chair better and see what’s inside. No really, like what’s inside? Is it actual beans? I hope it’s black beans.” Then Raven yells, “I bet them beans are Bush’s Baked Beans!”
Ok, so the beanbag thing is dumb (but not dumb enough to edit out), you get the point – the girls on the show love Nick.
Do the girls on the couch next to you love Nick?
I took a poll question before the premiere with the people I was watching with, and we all unanimously raised our hands in favor of him. But I feel like he’s losing votes after just two episodes, and if more and more people across the country start to turn on him then he may even be in danger of losing the Electoral College.
His main problem is his inability to tell the girls no. He let Corinne walk all over him on that group date – and by walk all over him I mean take her top off and make Nick “Janet Jackson” her for the photo shoot. But that brings up the age-old question: should you Janet-Jackson a girl in front of 10 other girls you are also dating?
Anyway, Nick can make one of two choices that would alter the trajectory of his season:
1) He can continue to not tell any girl “no” and be a man-whore and have a highly-entertaining season BUT lose a bunch of fans watching at home,
2) He can put his foot down and try to seriously find a girl that he has a genuine connection with that he can propose to in three months and breakup with in nine, while having America on his side.
The former makes for better television, and the latter makes for a better reputation. I would vote for option A, although it’s hard to balance between being a party-boy on the show (Firestone guy; Juan Pablo) which leads to falling out of favor with the powers that be (Chris Harrison) or being a party-boy who gets it together in the end and still gets invited to Bachelor events (Ben F).
And no, stop pretending like you watch this show for any other reason than for absurd drama. You don’t care that Nick finds someone to marry and be happy with. That’s like saying you watched Laguna Beach just to see what Southern California was like. We wanted drama: the LC-Kristin-Stephen dynamic, Lo (the best character on the show), girls constantly leaving Dieter, and so on.
Anyway, I think Nick will lose a lot of fans UNLESS he is saved by choosing a girl that America falls in love with and claims that she’s, “Too good for The Bachelor,” WHICH DOESN’T EXIST. Yes, even including Danielle M.
In the words of Andi, Kaitlyn, and Amanda: enough with Nick, let’s move on
The group date started like any old group date: the girls pretend they are excited to be on a group date and not on the one-on-one. They all put on clothes that say it’s a casual event with makeup that says otherwise, and then they all pile into Michael Scott’s Dunder Mifflin company car – a below-average convertible. Can you tell that I’ve been rewatching The Office (again)?
Then they dressed them all up in different bridal gowns, but a few girls were bridesmaids which probably undid three months of therapy they just completed after getting their 10thbridesmaid box in the mail that says, “I have my Mister, but I can’t do it without my Sister. Will you be my Maid of Honor?”
FYI, guys just send a text. And not like a nice, thoughtful message. They’ll be bitching back and forth about a golf tournament and then add at the end, “Oh by the way, you cool to be in my wedding?” To which you then reply, “Yeah, that’s fine. But dude, did you see Spieth just hit it in the water on 12?!”
Corinne-ya believe that she…
Corrine pulled out all of the stops that a villain can possibly do on a group date. Usually it takes a couple of group dates, but she thought, “Eh, why make people wait to realize how unstable I am. I’ll just take my top off real quick.”
Corinne’s rap sheet in just one group date:
-Get naked without being asked to just because another girl was naked.
-Make out with Nick right in front of the other girls without being asked.
-When that’s not enough, grab his hands and place them in a Bachelor black-box-edited zone.
-Win the group date contest, OBVIOUSLY.
-Interrupt every single girl’s time with Nick after she already spent time with him.
-Get drunk and slur a few less words each time you interrupt a girl’s time with Nick:
“Hey, sorry to interrupt, but do you mind if I steal him for a second?”
(glass of white wine)
“Hey, can I steal you for another second?”
(glass of red wine)
“Steal you for a sec?”
(glass of red wine mixed with white wine)
-Win the group date rose. Then tell everyone how and why you won the group date rose while still on the group date.
That’s like Dabo walking into Alabama’s locker room immediately after the National Title game saying, “Hey guys, we beat you because we scored more points than you when the time on the clock ran out. Just thought you should know.”
We’ve Been Here Before
We already know how this Corrine thing ends. Nick is going to fall under her wicked spell for another three or four weeks, just enough to piss off everyone watching at home but not enough to piss off the girls on the show. Right when he gets to the breaking point he’ll send Corrine home in the middle of an episode and then go tell the other girls what he did as they all sit crammed onto one awkward piece of hotel furniture, and then expect a hero’s welcome.
Did You Know that Liz Met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s Wedding?
Somewhere between the 95th and 105th time that Liz mentioned she met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding they managed to squeeze in one more group date. Nick took the girls out for a date to The Museum of Broken Relationships where they watched fake couples scream at each other like only fake couples know how to do.
A Museum of Broken Relationships – or as we like to call it, Bachelor in Paradise.
But before the date, Liz decided to tell Gretchen Wieners (Christen) all about her sexscapade, while Gretchen promised to not tell the other girls. It was like watching a serial killer tell her victim’s family how she did it. Gretchen just had to play along as if she was not dying on the inside listening to every painful detail.
With Liz not being able to keep her mouth shut we knew that her days were numbered, but I didn’t think she’d get bounced on the second episode. Her “secret” ended up being a quick trapdoor instead of leverage that she could drop on the ladies at a later date. This had the potential to go so many different directions, but it ended up being like the series finale of How I Met Your Mother. This was a really entertaining story, then I got tired of it, but I’m still curious to see how it ends and oh wow it’s really dumb.
I need a few questions answered by Liz, or in more dramatic relationship terms…
Liz, I Need Closure
1) Why you gotta go ruin my theory that cool girls wear nose rings?
2) If you really wanted to date someone then why would you wait until HE IS DATING 24 OTHER WOMEN? That’s like someone offering you backstage passes to a Beyonce concert and dinner with her and HOV afterwards and you saying, “Nah, I’ll just listen to her on Spotify.”
Look, I’m all about dramatic confessions of love. It’s a dream of mine to chase a girl down in an airport to tell her to not get on that plane because WHAT WE HAVE IS REAL! But I don’t think Liz really likes Nick, and I don’t think I would buy a plane ticket if the girl in the airport already went through security. If she did actually like Nick then she would’ve given it a shot 9 months ago when, and I’m not sure if you’ve heard this, THEY MET AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING.
The only reason she showed up this season is the same reason why people have gender-reveal parties: to get more likes on Instagram.
3) When you don’t give a guy your number after he blatantly asks for it, what do you expect him to do? He can’t then go and get it from a friend of yours, because then you’d think he is creepy and desperate.
A guy would rather just get your number from a friend anyway, that way he can leave you a voicemail acting like you don’t know why he’s calling:
“Hey person I’ve never called before, I was, uh, just calling to see what you’re up to, uh, so I guess just call me back when you’re free so that, uh, you can tell me what you are up to here on a Thursday in the middle of the workday — oh yeah, you’re probably working. Well anyway, just give me a call when you’re free, or after you call your friend asking why she gave me your number because now it puts you in an awkward spot. K, bye.”
There is no line finer for a guy to walk than the one between being creepy and being persistent. A guy can go as far as asking you out or asking for your phone number or making some sort of gesture, but if you say no then he’s going to move on unless you do something about it.
And don’t come at Nick with the whole, “I want you to fight for me,” riff-raff. You disqualified him before the fight even began! There’s a term for when a girl gives in to a guy that is “fighting” for her: settling. It’s the South’s greatest pastime.
Liz is gone, and rightfully so, but just for now. I have 100% certainty that Liz will end up marrying a former Bachelor/Bachelorette cast member. I’ve never been more confident of anything in my entire life.