Written by: @jeremywilson412
In the words of Chris Harrison, “Coming up on this week’s episode (recap) of The Bachelor…”
The ladies receive their first real test, we pause to remember those we lost this week, I present a theory about Corinne that is bulletproof, and we discuss the contenders and pretenders.
But first, can we start having rose ceremonies at the end of an episode again? It’s throwing my whole week out of balance.
We are only about a year away from you asking your friends, “Didn’t they used to do rose ceremonies at the ends of episodes?” and your friend responding with, “Nah, pretty sure they’ve always been at the beginning.”
A Test as Old as Time
Bachelor rule number 401: when someone drops an information bomb on the ladies, act like you don’t care and you will automatically advance.
I know, the irony of showing a GIF of someone not caring but the someone in the GIF is the one who has cared the most about anything in Bachelor history. “I just want Jared to be happy*.”
* = with me for eternity or I’ll murder everyone in Paradise so don’t try me!
This week’s test came when Nick told the ladies — who are too young to have watched live episodes of Friends but old enough to have been really into Hannah Montana — about his past actions with Liz when they met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Which, I guess I should mention, did you know that they met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding? If I hear that one more time then my head will explode right off of my neck.
It’s such a simple task – just act like you don’t care. Regardless of what happens in the first few episodes, you have to irrationally defend the Bachelor.
If Nick walks in the room and says, “Hey guys, I just hit and killed a pedestrian in my car on the way here,” then you just have to say, “Well, she should’ve used the crosswalk.”
And when he says, “She was using the crosswalk,” you answer, “Well, I bet the hand was red and not white.”
And when he adds, “She had the right-of-way and I blew through a stoplight,” then you say, “Well, sometimes red and green are easily confused.”
If you don’t defend the Bachelor at all costs early in the season then you’ll be sent packing and removed from our memory unless you come back later in the year because you feel like the Bachelor didn’t get a chance to know the real you, aka you couldn’t get your old job because you told your boss that you were headed off to get married. So in that light…
Let us pause for a moment to remember those who we lost this week.
Lacey, who will always be remembered as the girl who comforted Corinne in her time of need, making us all wonder, “Why?” and, “Who is that again?”
Hailey, who had such a strong feeling that she was a goner that she wore pretty much just a bra to the rose ceremony, daring Nick to send her home. With a Bachelor as slutty as Nick, I was genuinely surprised that it didn’t work.
Elizabeth W, who is so forgettable that I watched her get cut and then immediately looked up the cast bio page and still wasn’t sure which one she was. I wrote her name down in my notes as, “Elizabeth W, or maybe Lauren? Idk.” Elizabeth W, we look forward to you being the one who was hardly on the season but talks way too much during The Women Tell All.
And Liz, who was technically sent home last Monday, but it still counts for this week. I look forward to her telling us in Paradise that she met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Uh oh…
Theory: Corinne is a 6-year-old Child
(Disclaimer: I wrote this theory while watching Monday night’s episode and then typed it all out on Tuesday. Before posting this today I was tagged in a facebook post with an article that had a similar theory. I almost scrapped it and started over, but you know what? I think my theory is better, I think it dives deeper, and I think that the crossover should be pretty low (fingers crossed). Plus, I worked too hard on this to not share it with you.)
I need you guys to hear me out for a second. I have a well thought out theory that Corinne is a child. Now don’t misunderstand what I’m saying; I don’t think Corinne is childish. I think Corinne is literally a child. She is a 6-year-old with a scientifically-advanced body that made it onto the show with a string of Slumdog Millionaire-like luck. Here’s my case…
Let’s start by looking at her bio (link):
What’s 2 plus 4? Exactly.
But how could the producers not realize this during the interview process? Easy. They asked Corinne how old she was and she said, “This many,” while holding up 2 fingers on one hand and 4 on the other, to which the interviewer might think is a cute way for a 24-year-old to say her age.
Occupation: Business Owner
Go find a 6-year-old and ask them what their parents do for work and see if they answer anything other than, “I don’t know… Business?” “So Corinne, tell us, what do you do for work?” “Business,” she said while combing an American Girl doll’s long blonde hair because she only plays with blonde dolls.
Tattoos: Yes, but hidden and are being lasered off, so they are already hidden.
Every single 6-year-old in America will find himself or herself with a lick-and-stick tattoo on their body at least once a month. So how would a 6-year-old describe a tattoo that only lasts for a few days? “Yes, I have tattoos, but most of them are hidden now.”
Plus, if you were a 6-year-old trying to sound older and cool then of course you would say that you have tattoos. Then when pressed about it the easiest out is to say that they’re hidden. Likely story, 6-year-old Corinne!
Are you with me yet? Let’s dive a little deeper…
What’s your most embarrassing moment? Too many to count!
Vague deflection after not knowing what “embarrassing” means. It’s like middle school boys asking each other how many girls they have kissed. “Psh, like a lot of them.”
What U.S. city is the most romantic to you and why? Chicago, it has a lot of fun activities that you would want to share with someone special.
But wait, how would a 6-year-old know about Chicago? Home Alone. Boom. And the special person to share it with? Old Man Marley.
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? Snow White – I want to find my Prince Charming.
I mean, guys, this is getting a little too obvious now.
So if her bio was her Slumdog Millionaire moment, then what evidence do we have of her actions on the show?
She loves sweets.
Did you see the amount of whipped cream she ate last night? 6-year-olds would put whipped cream on everything if their parents let them! But she’s away from home, so no one could tell her, “No sweets close to bedtime, princess,” which leads me to my next point…
She went to bed early before the rose ceremony.
This would be incredibly rude for a 24-year-old to do on the show. But a 6-year-old? She can’t stay up all night watching grown ups talk in uncomfortable clothes on furniture that is a little too leaned back to be able to sit up straight in – especially when she comes down from the sugar high!
She has a nanny.
Nanny’s are for children, and if you’re over the age of 12 and she’s still around then you call her a housekeeper. Also, what’s the Nanny’s specialty dish? Cheese pasta. Is there a meal more kid friendly than Easy Mac? The Nanny’s other favorite dishes to prepare are probably sliced apples and crust-less toast.
Are you convinced yet? Yes? Well it get’s better…
She wore a trench coat.
Is there an outfit more obvious for a child to wear that is trying to look like a grownup? Example:
She has poor pronunciation and is hard to understand.
Corinne talks like her tongue is stuck on the roof of her mouth. Try to say these phrases with your tongue stuck on the roof of your mouth:
“Put whipped cream on it.”
“I have a Nanny who makes me cheese pasta with the perfect amount of lemon and olive oil.”
“I’m here for the right reasons, betch.”
See what I mean?
She can’t dance.
Little kids have no rhythm.
She says intercourse instead of sex.
If a kid Googled “stuff adults do” then I’d guess that intercourse would be fairly high up on whatever Buzzfeed-ish list pops up first.
She can’t swim.
This is a whole new theory that I’ll keep an eye on, but here are the facts:
Nick announced that the cocktail party would be a pool party, so what did Corinne do? She got a bouncy house to A) avoid the pool, and B) because it’s a go-to for any kid’s party.
Also, during the photo shoot last week she was nervous about having to be in the pool, so she needed Nick to, um, grab (?) onto her for stability and to keep her above the water.
The evidence is clear: Corinne is a 6-year-old with a scientifically advanced body.
Prediction for next week’s evidence that she is 6-years-old: she’ll refer to Chris Harrison as Mr. Chris, she’ll have her Nanny bring her a snack during the middle of the day, or she’ll be asked to drive a car but find a sneaky way of avoiding it by saying she’s too short or something.
“Who’s that?” Power Rankings
We have reached the point in the season where we, like Nick, are starting to get to know some of the girls better, but there are still a few girls that we’ll see in a wide shot of the whole group that make us all say, “Wait, who’s that?” Then when your friends ask whom you are talking about you have to wait another 15-20 minutes for her to appear back on the screen for a split-second, causing you to shout, “Her!” but it’s too fast and your friends don’t look in time.
I’d like to spotlight these women in a new segment called “Who’s that?”
First up, Whitney. Who’s that? (pictured above)
Whitney is the girl in the group setting that looks 6’8” compared to the other girls but is probably only 5’11”. I don’t have anything else to say about her because I don’t remember anything that she has done, which is hard to due because I take notes during the episodes to write these recaps. Her anonymity makes her a great #1 overall in the “Who’s that?” Power Rankings.
Second on the list is Sarah. Wait, there’s a Sarah on this season?
That’s right! When asked in her bio, “What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done?” Sarah answered, “Maybe this, or moving to NYC with 3 bucks, 2 bags, and 1 me.” I’m not sure which would be more outrageous: her moving to NYC with only 3 dollars or her moving to NYC with 3 large animals.
Next up is Christen. How do I know her?
The only reason I recognize her is because I only refer to her as Gretchen Wieners.
Last on the “Who’s that?” Power Rankings is Jordan. Do you remember Jordan?
She’s the girl that didn’t get a date last week but had a great conversation with Nick at the cocktail party. She’s also the girl who I just made up to keep you on your toes. There isn’t a girl named Jordan on this season, but Fake Jordan has had almost as much camera time as Whitney.
Although it’s still early in the season, we have a power four emerging from the pack. When this occurs, it is tempting to think that these girls are too good for The Bachelor, but I have a hard and fast rule that if you find yourself on the show then you’re not above it. I’ll rank the contenders 1-4 of who I think is doing the best currently…
America loves Vanessa. In fact, America loves Vanessa so much that they too might kiss her on the mouth after she threw up 10 times on a zero gravity flight, which is probably the coolest date in Bachelor history. Every girl on a one-on-one date will always ooh and ah about the date, regardless what the date entails.
“Oh wow, I’ve always wanted to wear a wedding dress and take wedding photos with a guy I just met 24-hours ago…” But the Zero Gravity flight looked incredible!
Next week’s trailer showed Vanessa asking Nick the same question that we are all wondering, “Are you here to meet your wife or are you here to just (screw) around?” Based on Nick’s actions so far, I’d say the ladder, but if he finds a wife along the way then we’ll call it a happy accident.
Vanessa seems like a legitimate person that means business, so I’m afraid she’ll be too serious for Nick, who appears to be more attracted to the whipped-cream, bouncy house type.
2) Danielle L
At what point does the Backstreet Boys singing, “Backstreets back, alright” start to sound like bad news? “Oh, they’re back? (Sigh), alright.” It’s 2017, so either write some new songs or just live on in our memories as a great time from our childhood.
Anyway, Danielle L was smelling what the Backstreet Boys were cooking as she moved her way into a serenading solo dance with Nick that no one else could possible enjoy, not even the audience.
I see Danielle L going really far, and I have her as my #1 prospect to be the next Bachelorette.
Rachel has been on two group dates so far and hasn’t made a total ass of herself, which puts her in the top 4. The criteria to be a contender is really not that in the first few episodes: drink, but don’t get drunk, have a good time, but not too good of a time, and just be cool with everything happening in your surroundings. Basically just take Michael Scott’s advice…
4) Danielle M
Danielle M had as much airtime as Fake Jordan this week, too. However, that’s the sign of a long stay on this show: get an early one-on-one date and then hang in the shadows while the Corinne’s of the world pick fights with everyone and then burn the house down on her way out. That’s when you slide back in if you’re Danielle M, because you look even extra-normal when compared to the Corinne’s out there.
I look forward to Danielle M taking Nick to a hospital on her hometown date and doing a sonogram on him, or something that is her trying way too hard to show that she is a nurse.
These women are in now way, (too symmetrical) shape, or form going to win the show, but they will hang (see below) around for a while…
Astrid, who takes after her mother, Jan Levinson, in more ways than one:
Kristina, the Russian girl who was walking around wearing a shirt that said, “Y’all,” which if she’s a spy trying to destroy The Bachelor then it’s either A) too obvious, or B) so obvious that it will throw us off her scent. It raised a red flag for me in the same way that seeing a guy wearing a “Female Body Inspector” shirt inside of a Victoria Secret would.
Brittany, who went from being dressed as Eve last week (naked), to occasionally being spotted in the background while Astrid amazingly won the athletic competition.
And finally, Alexis, who wore a shark costume in night one but has since caused people I watch it with to say, “You know, Alexis is growing on me. She’d be fun to hang out with.” In no way do I think she wins, but again, just have a good time and you get a free 3-week vacation out of the deal!
Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you next week!