Another season has come and gone, and one thing was clear from start to finish: America loves Ben. Admit it, you love Ben. It doesn’t matter if you are a single girl, a married woman, or a guy who says he just watches because his wife/girlfriend makes him and blah blah blah… You love Ben. Also, guy, you are about to watch a month’s worth of college basketball games not even involving your team, so the least you could do is watch America’s greatest reality show for 2 hours – sometimes 3 – every Monday – and sometimes on Sunday – from the first week in January until the middle of March. Well, some things sound worse when you put them on paper. Anyway…
America loves Ben
America loves Ben so much that he’s already polling higher than Kasich and Rubio.
America loves Ben so much that he can wear skin-tight capris 24/7 and people are ok with it — unlike early in Rafael Nadal’s career. In Ben’s defense, he does pick his wedgie way less than Rafa. #VamosRafa.
America loves Ben so much that it’s somehow more attractive to people when he uses bad grammar. “I has had a wild ride this season.” Aww, he’s so cute when he messes up has and have.
America loves Ben so much that he could like an Instagram picture that you posted 131 weeks ago without it seeming creepy.
America loves Ben so much that I wouldn’t be surprised if he and Lauren B were invited to the White House much like a championship team. “Mr. President, so next Tuesday we have the Women’s National Team that won the World Cup, Friday we have the Chicago Blackhawks, and then Monday night is the big one — we have Ben H and Lauren B from The Bachelor. Also, I should mention that 1-800-ROSE-TALK will be rerouted to the Oval Office from 8am-8pm on Monday.” “Do I have to Skype with sorority girls, too?” “Yes, but you literally just have to ask them how they’re doing and they will all scream in unison for 90 seconds straight.”
America loves Ben so much that he could use a flip phone and get away with it.
America loves Ben so much that he could not edge out in the left turn lane during a solid green light and you wouldn’t honk at him.
America loves Ben so much that he could turn on the setting on his iPhone that says when he has read a text, then not respond for 6-8 hours, and you would still be ok with it.
America loves Ben so much that he could visit Jared from Subway in prison and people would find it endearing.
America loves Ben so much that Sean Lowe just tweeted a naked picture of himself to try to feel alive again.
But, most importantly…
America loves Ben so much that he could tell two girls that he loves them, AND THEN JUST HOURS LATER HE COULD BREAK UP WITH ONE OF THE GIRLS AND PROPOSE TO THE OTHER ONE WITHOUT ANYONE TURNING ON HIM!
What We Learned Last Night
We learned that Ben loves form-fitting clothes. It’s like they asked him to describe his ideal wardrobe and he said, “I would like the clothes to have J-Crew’s style but with the clinginess of Under Armour compression gear.” Ben’s pants were so tight that there’s no way he could answer the phone on the first try. If you call Ben you just have to wait for it to go to voicemail, and then give it a few minutes until he calls you back. “Hey man, sorry I missed your call. I had to contact the Warsaw Fire Department to come help me squeeze my phone out of my pocket. We got it out, but they weren’t able to save the pants. Anyway, what’s up?”
We learned that Ben is indecisive. It’s like he was just waiting for one of the girls to tell him that he should pick her. I swear JoJo would’ve won if she just looked him in the eye on the last date and said, “Hey, you should propose to me tomorrow. Ok? Ok.” Then Ben would’ve rambled on in an interview saying, “I mean I guess I’m picking JoJo, because she really wants me to pick her, and I clearly don’t like to make decisions on my own. Just ask my parents; they picked out my school outfits every morning from kindergarten through high school.” Can you imagine Ben trying to make other decisions in life?
Ben at a Chick-Fil-A drive thru…
“Hi, welcome to Chick-Fil-A, this is Jeff and I go to the local high school and I’m in way too good of a mood to be taking orders at a fast food restaurant!!! What can I get you started with today?!”
“Yeah, so I’d love a number 1… but I’d also love a number 5 12-count with a Diet Coke.”
“Alright, so I have a number 1 and a number 5?”
“No. Well, that’s what I don’t know. I mean I’ve loved the number 5 12-count since day one, but the number 1 came storming into my life over the past few weeks and now I’m confused.”
“Sir, regardless of what you choose, it’s going to be MY PLEASURE to place this order for you. Sounds like you want a number 5, right?”
“Hold on, let me call my parents and put them on speaker phone real quick.”
We learned that when the going gets tough, the tough go have a serious conversation on a bathroom floor. That being said…
We also learned that microphones work just as well in the bathroom as they do on the couch in the living room. DID JOJO LEARN NOTHING FROM ROBERT DURST?! Nothing good comes from leaving your mic on in the bathroom. Two things can happen in that scenario: 1) The man you’re in love with will tell you that he’s also in love with the other woman he is dating, and 2) You will accidentally confess to murdering THREE people. So if you find yourself in a situation where you have a live microphone on and you have to use the restroom, either turn your mic off or hold it so long that you get a urinary tract infection.
We learned that if you are a parent and you are meeting your son’s two girlfriends, make sure you don’t like one better than the other because it will be really awkward when your son picks the one that you didn’t like as much. Looking at you, Ben’s mom! It was clear where things went sound for Lauren B during her chat with his mom. (see picture below)
Who exactly went for the handhold first? That’s not how people sit. That’s not even how people hold hands when they like each other. The only time you sit like that is when your friend is either really sad or really intoxicated, and you are either trying to comfort them or keep them from falling out of their seat.
We learned that asking someone about your worst quality can put them in a terrible spot. Ben asked JoJo what his worst quality was, and JoJo essentially said that she didn’t know, that Ben didn’t have a bad quality, or something like that. One time when I was home recently my mom asked me for something that I found annoying that she does, and I should’ve gone the JoJo route: nothing. Instead, I politely mentioned that I felt like she brought up my gluten-free diet to too many people. So now every time someone asks about anything gluten-free around my mother, she’ll say, “Well I’m certainly not allowed to talk about it,” while shooting me a look. It’s best to just not answer, or answer in a way that highlights a good quality about the other person. “I think your worst quality is that you care too much, and that you have so much love to give that it’s just a cuteness overload!” Also, I have Celiac, so being gluten-free is not a lifestyle choice – it’s more like a life sentencing.
We learned that it’s impossible to hold the upper hand in the relationship when you are a contestant on The Bachelor. Yes, you can hold the literal upper hand if you are Lauren and Ben’s mom is sitting across from you – see picture above – but you can’t hold the metaphorical upper hand in your relationship with the guy. This came into play during Ben and Lauren’s final date where they just awkwardly sat on the couch for a while and had a contest to see who could ask the most vague question. Lauren couldn’t get mad at Ben for not giving her answers because if she comes off as upset or somewhat rude than Ben can just go pick someone else. It’s a terrible predicament for the girls. Could you image if your real life was like that? “Hey, so I know I said we would go to the flea market this weekend, but I’m going to go play golf with my friends instead. By the way, if you’re not cool with that then I’ll just go choose another girl to propose to tomorrow. Cool? Ok, great.”
I wish that one girl one time on this show would just turn the tables on a guy, because you know what? The guy will probably find that more attractive. Don’t forget the golden rule of life: guys are dumber than you think. Sure, we may play it cool once or twice, but we’re dumb. And any guy who says that they are smarter than a girl when it comes to the relationship is so dumb that he is overcompensating for his dumbness. Guys like when things aren’t so cut and dry – it drives us crazy, but it works. A little mystery to a girl is a good thing, and so is conflict.
That’s why Ben couldn’t fully decide on Lauren until the last minute – there wasn’t enough conflict. Things just worked out too well from the beginning, and it freaked him out. There are two types of people on the planet: someone who will tell you when you have food in your teeth and someone who won’t. JoJo is the kind of person who would say, “Dude, I can’t talk to you until you get that piece of lettuce off of your front teeth.” Lauren didn’t seem like the kind of person who would do that. But in her defense they never really touch the food on their plate at the dinner table on The Bachelor, so maybe she never had the opportunity. But still, as uncomfortable as it may feel, just tell your date that they have food in the their teeth – we need more of you on the planet. (I started to type that one is not better than the other, but let’s be real – it’s obvious that I like it way better when someone calls me on my BS)
Anyway, the last thing that we learned was that if you are in love with two girls you should just type “jewelry store” into Yelp and go to the nearest location. Then look at the rings, because you will obviously know who the right person is just by glancing at a diamond. Ben spent the previous week torn apart between two women, and then it all magically disappeared when he saw the rings. That, or Ben got high off of the fumes from Neil Lane’s hair dye and just picked one.
How bad did you feel when you saw JoJo’s feet hit the ground as the first girl out of the helicopter? The room I was in literally groaned. They need to mix it up sometime soon and have the first person be the winner. I know that makes no sense to propose to someone and twirl them in the air for like 10 minutes before having to break up with someone and consequently ruin their year, but it would be great for the viewers at home if we didn’t know what was about to happen. Watching JoJo approach Ben was like watching an unimportant character in a scary movie enter a room and yell back to the indispensable characters that the coast is clear. Don’t go in there, man! Don’t open that door! The coast in not remotely clear! Don’t you get it? You’re not on the inside of this friend group – you’re totally going to die!
Why do they make the people who go first – JoJo – pour their heart out before getting broken up with? That’s not ok in any setting. It’s like if you spent months building up the courage to ask someone out for a drink and they answered, “I knew from the moment that I first met you that I wanted to get a drink with you. And not just one drink on one night, but I could see myself getting drinks with you every night for the rest of my life. I can picture us getting a babysitter in 5 years to watch after our child – or even children – while you and I go out for a drink, and maybe even some ice cream after. I can see us having a great time going out and getting a drink – a time so fun that we probably lose track of the time and throw caution to the wind. We both have an early morning at work the next day, but who cares when you are grabbing a drink with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. HOWEVER, that being said, I actually want to get a drink with someone else. K byeeeeee.”
It was brutal to watch JoJo go through that, but it was even worse when Ben told her that she did nothing wrong and that the feelings were still there. Huh? It would’ve been better if Ben told JoJo that he literally flipped a coin. “Sorry JoJo, but you were heads and Lauren was tails, and it was tied 1-to-1 in a best out of three. I even started the coin on the heads side before the last flip because it seems like it’s more likely to land on the side that you start it on, and also because I actually wanted to pick you, but then I flipped it and the damn thing landed on tails. Therefore, I guess I’m picking Lauren. And for what it’s worth, I still love you. Can I walk you out?”
But… you know the best way to get over a relationship?
Become the next Bachelorette and date 25 new guys while your ex has to watch it on national television! It’s the circle of reality-dating-show life, and this time JoJo holds the upper hand. Thank goodness it’s not Caila – we don’t want to watch someone giggle for 2-hours straight each Monday night starting May 23rd. Yes, I agree, that does seem soon for her season to start.
After the Final Rose
Two quick thoughts…
1) It’s always fun to see who looks the most different from the end of the show to the live filming of After the Final Rose. This year’s winner was JoJo, who was clearly answering questions like she was either about to declare her campaign for president or about to be the next Bachelorette. Luckily it was the latter, but she would still be the best candidate from Texas. Side burn on Ted Cruz.
2) I’m glad that Ben and Lauren didn’t get married last night for one reason and one reason only – and no, not because I felt bad that they flew Ben’s pastor from Warsaw to LA so that he could casually flip through scripture for 3 hours. But rather because if you are going to win The Bachelor and have your love life televised for everyone to see then you better get a badass, ABC-funded wedding out of it. Plus, it’s always fun to see who shows up to those weddings. Trista and Ryan, Sean and Catherine, and, wait, is that Bob Guiney? What the hell is he doing there?
I want to take a moment to thank you for following along with me on The Wise Guise all season. It’s not always easy to ask each of you to read 2500+ words about The Bachelor written by a single 25-year-old guy who pretends to have all of the answers to why people are the way they are. You either click on this link because A) you know me, B) you forgot how we knew each other but we are somehow still Facebook friends and you watch the show so you might as well see what I have to say, C) someone sent you the link and you never read the whole thing because the scroll bar on the right is so small that the article must be way too long to read, or D) you found it via @BachelorOlivia Twitter page.
It doesn’t matter to me how you ended up here, I’m just glad that we could laugh about this show together. Because after all, I don’t know these people that I’m writing about so it’s easy to make wild accusations about their life, and don’t get mad if people write things about you on the internet when willfully sign up for a reality television show that 8ish million people watch per week.