(Written by @JeremyWilson412. For more on this season’s The Bachelor, go here… and by here, I mean the link that is embedded in the word “here” used prior to that use of here. If you click on any of the here’s that aren’t in a different color, then you’ll be disappointed. If you click on the here that IS in a different color, then you’ll see more posts about The Bachelor, but you also might be disappointed. Who’s to say?)
This week’s recap of The Bachelor is the “I’m bored on a plane” edition. I’m writing this on a flight from Nashville to San Francisco, so if you are reading this and thinking that I have really drifted off a few times, you’d be correct! This week’s post is (unofficially) sponsored by almonds from the airport Starbucks, half of a can of Diet Coke courtesy of Southwest, and also brought to you by the reclined seat in front of me. How is this still a thing? “Ahh, I’m way more comfortable with my seat reclined an extra 4 degrees. Now this is luxury!” said the guy sitting in front of me, probably.
Before we get too far along in this week’s recap I need to tell you, the reader, how I feel. So please take a second to turn off your Spotify playlist, and put all of your devices on airplane mode, because this is serious.
I love you.
I know the rules of writing 2,000-word recaps about a reality show say that you can tell me that you love the blog, and that I’m not supposed to say it back to you. But screw it! Why hide the way I feel? I love you, the current reader of this. Sure, we may not know each other – you probably found this via @BachelorOlivia Twitter page, but I don’t care. I love you.
However, I need to say something else. I love the person sitting next to you as well. I know that may even seem sillier, but it’s the truth. I’m in love with you who are reading this and I’m in love with the person sitting nearest to you. Sure, you might be at home and the nearest person is your spouse, or you might be on a train and the nearest person to you is currently unaware that they are crowding your personal space – or maybe they know they are too close and they are reading this, too.
The nearest person to you might be the guy at work who says “hashtag” out loud before giving an opinion on something. “Hey, how was your weekend?” “It was hashtag lame at first, and then it was hashtag great when Leo won an Oscar! Hashtag finally, am I right?”
You know what? Forget it, I don’t love that guy. But I do love everyone else and I don’t care if WordPress get’s mad at me. I love you, so let’s move on.
Is it too late now to say sorry?
Yeah, I know-oh-oh that I let you down. Is it too late to say sorry now?
I missed a week of writing a recap, and I’m sorry about that. But think about it this way: one of your friend’s will forget to text you on your birthday this year. Yes, Facebook will send them a reminder, they will even see other people wishing you a happy birthday, and they will plan to send you a text later on, but they’ll forget. So this isn’t as bad as that, right?
Also, you don’t need excuses for why I didn’t write a recap. You don’t want to know that I spent too much time trying to figure out what “BM” means in Yo Gotti’s new single Down in the DM. You don’t want to know that after I looked that up I spent an unnecessary amount of time on a rap-twitter deep dive seeing how many followers certain rappers have. You’d be shocked by the results, however, but we don’t need to go there. Seriously, some of those guys have so many followers on Twitter.
If I did write a recap I would’ve talked about how JoJo’s brothers are more Dallas than a mechanical bull with a drinking problem. I would’ve talked about how those guys are the broiest bros on the planet. If I wrote a recap I would’ve made up a fake Bachelor bio for those guys that looked like this.
Age: Either like 24 or 44.
Occupation: Wearing jeans with heavy stitching.
Favorite TV Show: Entourage.
Favorite Movie: Also, Entourage.
Hobbies: Asking strangers that bump into me if they want to fight; installing lift kits on trucks to artificially boost some d-bag’s confidence; walking with my chest out; getting chicks, obviously.
Is Your Mom a Real Person: No, she has been dead for a few months, but we didn’t want to tell JoJo so instead we just Weekend at Bernies’d her for the hometown date. The drinking out of the bottle trick took us weeks to master.
Favorite Catchphrase: Hug it out, bitch.
But, I didn’t write a recap of last week, so let’s turn the page and talk about the Fantasy Suite dates!
Sandals is For Lovers
How would you like to join me on an all-inclusive trip to Sandals, Jamaica? It’s impossible not to think of Michael Scott when the camera panned over the Sandals resort. Hopefully they have a plaque up in the resort of Michael giving the thumbs up while Jan is tanning in the background. “Tan almost everywhere, Jan almost everywhere.”
This episode started the same as every other episode: Ben messing up basic grammar during his voice-over.
“I’m excited to spend some time with the ladies this week here in Jamaica. I has had a great time already, so we have came to Jamaica to keep the good times rolling.”
Ben’s grammar is so poor that he should just be followed around by the green squiggly line from Microsoft Word. Do I make grammatical errors while writing these recaps? Yes, and if you have issue with it please send a tweet to @ClaytonAMartin with your complaints. But poor grammar is way worse when you say it over and over on national television. He’s probably the kind of guy who turns auto-correct off on his phone and claims that it “slows him down.”
Anyway, the Fantasy Suite episode is always a crowd favorite. It’s that special week of the year where you get to argue with your friends whether or not some people on TV are definitely sleeping with each other or if they are just “enjoying some off-camera time.” It was fun to watch the room I was in go from “No, he’s not going to sleep with them” to “Wow, I thought Ben was better than that.” (Then the next 15 minutes are spent scrolling through Sean Lowe’s Twitter to remind them that there once was a guy who turned down the fantasy suite).
ABC did everything short of showing the physical act to prove that Ben indeed spent some “quality time” with the ladies. The shot of Lauren B’s dress on the floor sealed the deal for the group I was watching it with.
It’s about this time every season where I wish there we had a Bachelor specific search engine. Imagine a search engine where you could ask any question about The Bachelor and it would give you the right answer. It would be called something like BachQuest or WineGo, or AskChrisHarrison.com where Chris would be dressed just like Jeeves. You could type in searches like “Are bachelor’s allowed to say I love you?” or, “Juan Pablo dead?”, or even, “Marcus and Lacey combined IQ,” and AskChrisHarrison.com would just send you an answer: 15, even though Lacey forgot to put her name on the form. We needed that this week more than ever.
The I Love You Problem
Love is an interesting word. It can be the most important word you say to someone, it can be the beginning of a lifelong relationship or the end of one when someone doesn’t feel the same way, and it can be flippantly thrown around about a topic as insignificant as your favorite french fries. I once told someone that I don’t like to use the word love unless I really mean it, and then ten seconds later that person heard me say that I love Chick-Fil-A’s Polynesian sauce.
I have always held that card very close to the vest. It used to bother me even back in high school when people would just say it to anyone. I would be at my locker in between classes and the girl whose locker was right next to mine would say, “Ok, bye. Love you,” just after some simple chitchat. I could never reciprocate it, even thought I knew it was an empty gesture. I would be like, “Um, ok, uh, I also enjoy that the only reason we talk is because our last name’s are similar and therefore our lockers share a close proximity. Ok, bye!” It’s such a strange word. It can have so much gravity to it but solely depending on the user’s deployment of it.
It also just gets misused due to poor vocabulary. People say they love people or stuff sometimes because they don’t want to truly describe how they feel about something.
“How was the movie?” “I loved it.”
“Do you want my pickle?” “Yes, I love pickles.”
“Yes, I want to build a wall. And the Hispanic people love me!” –Trump
I used to fall in “love” every single day, and my sister would call me Ted Moseby because of it. I would see a girl in her car at a red light and fall in love just because of the stickers on her car. “LSU sticker – not my team, but at least she’s into football. A local juice shop sticker, so she’s not tight with her money, that’s good.” Then she would get the turn arrow and I’d never see her again, and Usher’s “There Goes My Baby” would suddenly start playing on shuffle. You do the same thing, right? I’m sure some of you are in line at Whole Foods and you see the guy that is dressed casually but very well at the same time and you start to think about what you’d say to him – then his girlfriend walks up wearing an old tshirt from your rival sorority (which I’m assuming is a thing), thus ending your fake relationship with this guy.
Also, the first time I told a girl that I loved her it was via AOL Instant Messenger. AIM! So the first time that a girl saw me say “I love you” was prefaced by the screen name DCSports412. So I’m no expert at this by any means.
There are many different meanings to the word love, but let’s talk about the position that Ben got himself into.
Ben loves two girls. That is what I believe. I think he means it when he tells Lauren B, and I think he means it when he tells JoJo. Either way, he’s in deep sh*t.
No Bachelor has ever told a contestant that he loves her before the proposal. Therefore, both JoJo and Lauren B think that they absolutely have it in the bag, without a doubt. There’s no way that one of them thinks that he said it to another girl. When he told JoJo she even said, “Are you allowed to say that?” and Ben replied with, “I is allowed to say what I wants,” probably.
Imagine if your company announced that they were laying people off, and that you are a potential candidate. Then your boss pulls you into his office a week before the layoffs and tells you how much he appreciates your work and that you totally safe. But then, just a week later your boss gets all dressed up and takes you and another person to a tropical island and walks you out to a dock on the water full of the prettiest flowers you have ever seen and then he holds your hands, looks you in the eye, and says, “Thank you for all of your hard work. We are letting you go.”
That got a little mixed up with The Bachelor, but you get the point. What we watched this week was Ben ruining a girl’s life. If I had to guess, I would say that Lauren B wins and JoJo is the next Bachelorette – which is probably our most entertaining option because we’ll get more of the Dallas Bash Brothers. So JoJo, or whomever Ben cuts, will be absolutely heartbroken, but they’ll also be the next Bachelorette.
Oh, Caila. She never saw it coming.
It’s always hard to watch someone get their heartbroken on television, but it’s even a tougher watch when they smile and laugh their way through it. She woke up that day with a great idea to go surprise Ben and hopefully seal up a spot in the final two, but what she didn’t know was that Ben was waiting for her in the Adirondack chairs — which have been heavily featured all season. Judging from what we have seen, Ben spends about 70% of his sitting hours in Adirondacks, which is pretty fitting because he and Caila look like the younger versions of every actor in every Viagra commercials. You always have the older white male with the racial diverse female, but unfortunately for Caila her relationship didn’t advance to the “bathtubs in open meadow” phase.
Things would’ve gone a lot smoother for Caila if she could hear the music that we hear while watching on TV. She had no idea things were about to go south when she pulled up in the car to surprise Ben, but we knew because the music changed. Imagine if she could hear it.
She pulls up, gets out of the car, and then suddenly hears the music go from light and cheerful to dark and ominous. Then she would definitely know it was going to end well. “Wait, is he about to break up with me?” I’d love to have that in my real life. I show up to a restaurant and there’s just a light guitar strumming in the background, but then the tone shifts because there’s someone that I’m trying to avoid already inside at the bar — I would know to then just turn around. Or you’re talking to your friend and you make a joke or say a word that’s a little over the line for your friendship level, but you would know to apologize and backpedal immediately once you heard the music shift. Usually I have to send someone a text a day or two later to apologize, because it’s tough to straddle the line of speaking your mind or being an asshole. It’s a very fine line, too. I guess the best solution is to just be a nicer person. Eh, sounds lame.
We’ll have some fun next week with the Women Tell All. I’m not sure of the format yet, but it’s going to be fun because…
OLIVIA WILL BE THERE!