I’m just not feeling it this week.
I know that’s not the best way to grab attention at the beginning of a blog. If you want people to click on a story about The Bachelor you should title it something like, “What Really Happened to Emily’s Thumb will Shock You!” Or, “How to survive being trapped in Wrigley Field for 9 hours with a guy who doesn’t understand sarcasm,” or maybe, “How many crew members of The Bachelor did Olivia actually swallow whole? The REAL number might surprise you!” Man, we miss you, Olivia. Also, the real number was 12.
But why lie to you? I’m just not feeling it this week. So I think the best thing to do is just… wait, what’s that noise? OMG it’s Ben on his pontoon boat!
Fine, I guess we’ll discuss this week’s episode. Here we go.
Coming up on this week’s Bachelor recap: Warsaw, Caila trying to answer simple questions, and who would each girl be if they were on the McDonald’s menu — probably sponsored by McDonald’s.
Welcome to Warsaw, Indiana, where the primary mode of transportation is a pontoon boat and/or a Ford from the 1960’s. Who would’ve thought that a pontoon boat was the preferred method of getting around in a city in north central Indiana? Warsaw looks like a great town. I mean they have, uh, weather, and I think I saw a few trees, and their Wikipedia page says, and I quote, “Warsaw is mentioned in the 4th season of the HBO Show Boardwalk Empire.” Oh, of course, that’s why we all remember hearing about it in the past.
Warsaw seems like the kind of town that would be overly proud of having someone finish top 10 on The Voice. “Did y’all see that Nancy’s kid finished 9th this year on that show with them spinning chairs?” “Is that the one with the guy that wears that tall, funny hat?” “Yep! It also has the lead singer from No Doubt.” You and me, used to be together, everyday together, always…
Don’t speak, I know just what you’re saying, so please stop explaining, don’t tell me cause it hurts. Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t need your reasons, DON’T TELL ME CAUSE IT HURTS.
Anyway, what we do know about Warsaw is this: it’s a place where you can see yourself falling in love with Ben, and it has at least one restaurant where Ben can sit down and have a nice chat about his six girlfriends. It went something like this…
Ben describing the ladies honestly to his parents…
Mom and Dad (in unison, probably): Hey! It’s so good to see you!
Ben: Hello, I am Ben, your son. I smile when I see you because I am expressing happiness.
Mom: (under her breath) Gah, he’s still so literal about everything.
Mom: Huh? *sips coffee*
Dad: Anyway *clears throat*… Are the girls here?
Ben: Yes, well technically no. They’re supposed to land at 1:15pm, and it’s only 1:13pm, so no, the girls are not here.
(Dad walks out)
Mom: So tell me about them.
Ben: Ok, so remember the girl from last season that your whole book club really liked? She’s here.
Mom: Becca’s here?! Hold on, I have to text Nancy and the ladies about this.
(Mom types on her phone only using one index finger)
(10 minutes go by)
Ok, go on.
Ben: Then there’s JoJo: hot. Amanda: hot, but has kids. Lauren B: the one that it’s obvious I like the most. Caila: so confusing that I can’t cut her because I never know what she’s talking about – also, hot. And then there’s Emily who is here because, well, I actually don’t know why she’s still here. But there used to be this other girl who looked so much like her – it was weird, I always said they could be sisters!
Mom: Well, it’s nice to see you. I have to go meet up with Nancy because Chico’s is having a 50% off storewide sale.
(Ben leaves on pontoon boat)
Ben and Lauren B are that annoying couple that you’re forced to sit next to at a trendy restaurant where they slam a ton people around one long table like it’s the Last Supper. You know that kind of restaurant where you can only go with someone you know well enough that you can sit in silence together while you eat? It’s impossible to not overhear the conversation next to you. You’ll hear something like, “So I finally finished season one of Serial and I have a really good theory on what might’ve happened.” Or, “So literally the worst thing happened today. Jason liked a picture I posted on Instagram less than a minute after I posted it. Like, get a life much?” Maybe Jason just happened to open Instagram at the same time that you posted that picture, then he hit like before seeing that it was only posted 22 seconds ago! Also, no one cares about your picture of a park swing with the caption “that time we pretended we were kids again. #parkswing #sunshine #isthisreallife?”
For Ben and Lauren B, they’re the ones who compliment each other on everything they order like they invented the food. “I’ll have the sweet potatoe fries.” “Wow, that sounds great, babe. Nice order!” “Thanks, babe.” Then when the food comes they’re like, “Babe, that looks amazing,” and the other person takes credit like they made the food. Meanwhile, you look at your friend and say, “Let’s get a to-go box. I’m going to go ahead and ask for our check before they start feeding fries to each other. Uh oh, too late – they just crossed their arms while drinking wine. Just leave $40 on the table. Quick, let’s go!”
Literal Ben spent most of the date matching Lauren B’s outfit, and Lauren B spent most of the date pretending to know who the Indiana Pacers were. “I grew up playing basketball, so I was really excited to meet Aaron Rodgers and the Indiana Packers.”
The two best parts of the date:
1) Ronnie the Halfcourt King! They should dedicate 15 minutes of each episode the rest of the season to show Ronnie just draining shot after shot from halfcourt – as long as it doesn’t mean that Ben has to kiss Lauren each time.
2) The child actor that was hired to sit on the sidelines and cry before Ben comforted him back to strength. “Hi, I’m Eric! And I’m here to read for the part of ‘boy crying against the wall at the youth sports event!’”
“Alright, take one for kid crying in the corner at youth event, and action!”
“Hey buddy, I can tell that you are sad because I am very perceptive. What’s wrong?”
“I just wanted to come play basketball after school but then these producers showed up and made us all gather around and pretend to know who you are and that you worked here more than that one time that you were serving community service.”
“Eric, I know you’re sad and all, but would it help you feel better if I kissed that pretty blonde girl over there?”
“Ugh. Can I just use your phone to call my mom to come pick me up?”
“Sorry, kiddo. I’m not allowed to have my phone. It will only distract me from finding a wife out of a group of 25 amazing women in 2 weeks!”
I’m so tired of hay bales and rustic barns: a sentence that I never thought The Bachelor would make me say. Please, I beg you to pick someone from anywhere but the Midwest for the next season. They’re so gun-shy because the one time they branched out they ended up with Juan Pablo. But don’t worry, The Bachelor… Eets ok!
Caila is the most confusing person on television – and yes, I’m aware that Ben Carson is also frequently on television. She simply refuses to give a straight answer. We all know a guy like Literal Ben can’t follow a long-winded answer, which is the only reason that Caila is still around. Literal Ben will ask her a yes-or-no question, and then 10 minutes later when she is wrapping up her response, Literal Ben forgot what the question was about, so he just looks at her and thinks she’s hot, which then earns her a rose. It’s a formula that has been repeated the past three or four episodes.
Can you imagine listening to Caila answer simple questions? I can…
Caila in line at Chipotle
“What kind of meat would you like?”
“Hmm… well, I usually do chicken, but maybe that’s been my problem all along. What if I’ve been choosing chicken over and over and over, but meanwhile there’s steak just sitting there looking for someone to love? I mean, sure, I could go with steak and be happy, but what if chicken makes me feel safe because it IS safe, you know? I know my parents wouldn’t want me to bring home carnitas, and I know that sofritas and I just have different morals altogether, so when it comes to choosing a meat I would just have to say yes – I know I want a meat, but I should just take time to realize which one is right for me.”
“How about a veggie bowl?”
“Sure, sounds good.”
Caila at Walgreens
“Do you have a rewards card?”
“It’s funny you ask, because I already felt rewarded when I walked in the door and you said, “Welcome to Walgreens.” Even though you didn’t make eye contact with me, I could tell that I was in the right place. Then when I was looking for a box of Truvia for my coffee – because that’s now the most healthy of the things that is slowly killing me – I bumped into another Walgreens employee who told me the perfect aisle for finding Truvia. It reminds me of love: your first love is welcomes you into the “convenience store” of love, per say, and then once you’re there it’s up to you to navigate your way through it. I’m just looking for the man who is going to point me towards the Truvia in my own life.”
“So that’s a no?”
Caila at a restaurant with a platonic friend from work
“Are the checks going to be together or separate?”
“You know how to force us to have a tough conversation, don’t you? You know, all this time I knew we would end up having to answer this, so here goes. James and I have been working at the same office for the past two and a half years, but during that time at least one of us has been in a relationship. However, no one gets my James like me – it’s like we have our own secret language. But now, James and I are both single, and yes, technically he asked me to go to dinner, but we usually do dinner once every two weeks anyway, so I guess the question if this is a date or not hasn’t been answered. I know I just got out of a long-term relationship and so did James, but if he asked me if I was into him I think I would be – I just don’t know how he would answer, which scares me. But what is love if we’re not a little scared? I’ve been trapped with the safe kind of love my whole life, so maybe it is time to take that leap of faith, James.”
“James already paid for the bill and left before you got to the secret language part.”
“Oh, ok. So what’s your deal? You want to take that leap with me?”
I feel like a fool. I thought we were done with shameless plug week after Kevin Hart and Ice Cube “rode along” for part of the second episode, but I was wrong. Shameless plug week is one of my favorite recaps to write – besides the bio breakdown and early episodes where I can make rash generalizations about people I don’t know, which is one of my favorite pastimes. But then came the trip to McDonald’s.
It was bad enough that they went there in the first place, but then Literal Ben had to ask to go behind the counter to take orders. Part of the McDonald’s plug contract probably involved having to use a certain amount of puns.
Ben working in a few McDonald’s puns:
“Yes, I do feel like Amanda has some similarities with McDonald’s all-day breakfast menu. She’s super sweet to be around in the mornings, and she’s just as good at lunch, dinner, or even a late night snack (wink).”
“Caila is a lot like McDonald’s french fries: sure it makes sense on paper to be with her all the time, I mean who doesn’t love McDonald’s fries? But I just don’t feel right after being with her, in the same way that I get massive heartburn from the fries.”
“Becca reminds me a lot of the McRib: just when you thought she was gone for good after Farmer Chris’ season, boom, she’s back – and you can’t figure out why she actually did come back.”
“Emily is like the toy that comes with a Happy Meal: sure, she’s fun when you’re a certain age, but then as the years go by you feel like you’ve grown and matured, and meanwhile she’s still just a coloring book from Frozen.”
“JoJo is just like McDonald’s coffee: she’s hot.”
“Lauren B is just like the Oreo McFlurry: she’s been my favorite thing on the menu the entire season, and it’s super obvious to everyone because I basically order the Oreo McFlurry once a week in front of all of the other girls.”
Next week’s Hometowns episode looks like it has all of the perfect ingredients: an angry brother and/or sister who is cynical about the process of the show, the tough dad who is just trying to protect his daughter, the family who likes Ben too much that it weirds him out, and the front-runner’s family acting so crazy that it makes you wonder if it would actually work between them. It will also be the one year anniversary of when Jade showed Farmer Chris a video of her Playboy shoot. Ah, good times.