Coming up on this week’s Bachelor recap: I give Olivia’s eulogy at her funeral, we say goodbye to the girls who were sent home, and we figure out who the remaining six girls are if they were one of your friends on Instagram!
But first, I must apologize that this post is coming on a Thursday instead of earlier in the week. I know that The Bachelor is on TV on Mondays and you have already forgotten about it by Thursday, but I was busy. No, not busy with work, but I was tasked with giving the eulogy for Olivia as we said goodbye to her life on The Bachelor.
It was a beautiful service. I know that most of you couldn’t make it, so I’d like to share the eulogy that I gave at the funeral.
Friends, we gather here today not to mourn the death of a woman, but rather to celebrate the life of a living legend: Olivia Fromthebachelor.
She was born on February 29th (probably), in whatever year makes her 23 years old. We knew she would be special even before she was born, because Olivia was originally supposed to be a twin. However, six months into the pregnancy, and during an ultrasound, baby Olivia yawned and swallowed the other twin whole. We believe this is what gave Olivia twice the arrogance of a normal human. Also, by “twin” I mean two offspring produced during the same pregnancy – not to be confused with the other definition of “twin” meaning an occupation that two sisters have only if they are born and raised in Vegas.
Olivia wasn’t always the easiest child to raise. When she was 9 years old she attended a classmate’s birthday party where a group of 10 girls gathered around a piñata, each taking turns giving it a whack. Even though it wasn’t her birthday, Olivia took the first turn. Then after just one other girl went, Olivia asked if she could steal the piñata for a moment, angering the other participants. Once she returned with the piñata, the birthday girl asked if she could have a turn, but Olivia told her, “This is my piñata, now. And when I’m with him it’s like bam…. Shabam!” When asked why she felt like that, Olivia explained that she had a secret language with the piñata that the other girls wouldn’t understand. It was later that year she had to move to a different school.
Olivia Fromthebachelor was always there for her friends in a time of need. When she was in high school one of her friends had a family member unexpectedly pass away. She was only asked to read one Bible verse during the service, but instead she tried to teach a lesson about perspective. “Before I read this verse, I’d just like to say that I somewhat envy the deceased.” The audience groaned, but Olivia continued, “I would rather be lying dead in a casket than to spend another 30-40 years with these cankles.” It was later that day that she had to pack up and start a new life a different town.
We’ll always remember Olivia as someone who was wise beyond her years. She was 23 years old, but she wasn’t as young as Emily FromtheBachelor, who was also, uh, 23 years old. She loved to dance, but only after she popped out of a cake. She loved to cook, but only if it was with a guy on a reality dating show that she could steal from the other women. She loved to laugh, but only in that evil, Cruella de Vil way that shook you to your core. She loved to show us all of her teeth, all 94 teeth. She loved to be zen, but only with people whose name rhymed with zen – such as Ben.
But most of all, Olivia’s greatest gift was reuniting an entire country. Olivia took a country like ours where Donald Trump is the Republican frontrunner, where The Martian is somehow up for Best Picture, where people actually like Chip from Fixer Upper, and she made us all rally together every Monday night to stand arm-in-arm and root so hard against her that you would get texts from your parents about her.
Olivia made Americans set aside their differences for 2 hours each week (or 3 if you watched Bachelor Live) and stand together as one. For that, we thank you, Olivia Fromthebachelor. We’ll miss you, but I have no doubt that we’ll see you again soon on The Women Tell All, Bachelor in Paradise, or True Life: I Accidentally Swallowed the Empire State Building.
Gone Baby Gone
This week we said goodbye to Olivia (see above), Leah (not without a fight), Jennifer (wait, was she on the whole time?), and Lauren H (she seemed nice, I guess?).
What we’ll miss from each girl…
Jennifer: It’s tough to see someone go when you NEVER LEARNED WHAT THEIR SMALL BUSINESS WAS! I’m guessing she travels the country teaching a workshop called “Undercover PR: How to be somewhere for 6-7 weeks without really being noticed.” We’ll miss saying, “Who?” each time Ben gave her a rose.
Leah: She wasn’t going to leave the show without showing us that she has a true dark side, and I’m not just talking about her eyebrows. Leah is this year’s Kim Davis award winner, recognized for her ability to go from a complete unknown to a household name overnight by doing something so ignorant and tone deaf.
Why would Leah badmouth Lauren B? That’s like leaving The Revenant and saying that the movie just didn’t take enough chances. That’s like the Tennessee Titans saying that they want a piece of the Broncos. (Wait, I almost forgot who my audience is. Let me try one more…) That’s like watching The Notebook and hoping that the old guy stops visiting his wife at the nursing home. It’s illogical! Plus, if you’re going to knock The Notebook, it’s that Rachel McAdams DIDN’T RETURN ONE OF HIS LETTERS WHEN HE WAS AT WAR! (Might need someone to fact-check that for me)
I’d be willing to bet 1,000 of Ben’s zip-up hoodies that Leah shows up in Paradise, so it’s more of a “see you later” than a true goodbye.
Lauren H: We’ll miss knowing exactly what she’s thinking at every second because she has no poker face.
Lauren H is going to return to her teaching job where she gets overly emotional when she sees a dad stop by to bring pizza to his kid. “Why can’t I find a man like that?” she’ll tearfully and accidentally say out loud, causing the man to transfer his kid to a different homeroom. She’ll be the one that shows up in all of the other contestant’s Instagram pictures because she’ll be best friends with anyone who is willing.
Olivia: I’ll personally miss her giving me so much material for each blog post. In fact, she’d give so much material that I had to cut out certain parts because I’d write 2,500 words, and 2,000 were about Olivia.
To answer your question: Yes, Olivia is still out on that island. The first few days were tough, but now she has fallen in love with a coconut that she drew a face on with a rock. She named him Hen Biggins, and they’re getting married at 8pm on ABC this coming Sunday!
We’ll always remember her for inspiring the @BachelorOlivia account, which I hope lives on in remembrance of a mouth that was large enough to see from space – before the Hubble Space Telescope accidentally got sucked into it’s orbit.
And Then There Were Six
I really wish there were eight girls left so that I could title this section the Hateful Eight, but then I would be tempted to write a fan-fiction of the Hateful Eight starring only the remaining cast members. I know, I know – I could do it if I just added Ben and Chris Harrison, but no one wants to hear about that. No one wants me to compare each character to someone in The Hateful Eight – I mean obviously Emily would be Walter Goggins’ character who slowly grows on you the whole movie; Becca would be Kurt Russell’s character, of course, because she’s been there before; Chris Harrison would be Samuel L. Jackson, the wily verteran; JoJo would be Daisy Domergue…
See? You’re already bored, and I just spent 25 minutes on a Hateful Eight deep dive on the internet that ended with me buying a few songs off of the soundtrack.
Anyway, we are down to Amanda, Lauren B, JoJo, Becca, Caila, and Emily – listed there from my favorite to least favorite. I always thought that you could tell a lot about someone’s personality by just going to their Instagram page. I have never spent a single second on any of the remaining six girls’ Instagrams, but I’d like to take a guess at what each page looks like. So instead of talking about what happened last week, here’s who each girl is on Instagram:
She’s your friend on Instagram who… every picture looks perfect: perfect lighting, everyone is dressed well, etc. Probably a lot pictures of outdoor meals in a field where everyone has a flower in their hair – not in a hippie way, but more in an Anthropologie way. Basically all of her pictures smell like the Volcano candle from Anthropologie.
She can’t eat a single meal without posting a lot of aerial shots of the food both while it’s being prepared and after it’s made. How does she have every ingredient each in a perfectly white bowl? Where did she get all of these bowls? How long is it going to take to clean this up? Is every surface in her kitchen a rustic wood grain? The only way she is eating before 7pm is if she started this process at 11am.
She’s your friend on Instagram who… stops to take a picture next to every “welcome to” sign when entering a new state. 1) We get it, you travel. 2) No one cares that you are entering the state of Georgia. 3) Please don’t hashtag #PeachState… oh, too late. Will someone please tell her to buy a plane ticket? I really hate this version of Lauren that I made up.
She’s your friend on Instagram who… posts pictures both Friday and Saturday nights always out on the town, i.e. at some trashy club. Even when she goes home for Christmas she still puts up pictures out at a bar, but this time with her high school friends. She’s always hashtagging whatever night of the week it is that she’s out: #ThristyThursday, #WastedWednesday, etc.
She also always runs into like D-list celebrities and posts pictures with them. “OMG! Can’t believe I just ran into Blah Blaherson who got fourth on season two of Top Chef! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! #SundayFunday.” Spend one night at home, JoJo. You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends! You can’t bring the guy who just bought you a flaming fireball shot home to meet your family.
She’s your friend on Instagram who… has a private account. Her most recent post was over 7 weeks ago, but she has at least 700 followers. It always feels like a big day when she posts, and if she posts 10 pictures in a year you’ll unknowingly like all 10 of them and probably comment on 6 of them.
I think I just fell in love with this version of Becca. There’s something more attractive about someone that has a private account. They’re not just vomiting their whole life on there, and when you ask them how they’re doing it’s a genuine question and not just conversation filler.
She’s your friend on Instagram who… comments, “Not just like, but LOVE.” Or something like, “I wish Instagram had a LOVE button!” She can’t just ‘like’ a photo like the rest of us, she always has to comment.
She’s also the friend that you grab lunch with and she tells you that she’s going through a tough time and that she doesn’t really like where she lives and blah blah blah, and then an hour after your lunch she posts a picture of the skyline wherever she lives and captions it, “So in love (hear emoji) with this city! (Sunshine emoji!).” But didn’t she just say how much she hated it here? Ugh.
She’s your friend on Instagram who… uses only emojis to describe what she’s doing. Every post of hers is like a game show where you are trying to encrypt what exactly she’s doing. “Ok, so put a picture up from the beach, and the caption is a surfer, an arrow pointing up, and the Brazilian flag. Hmm… Oh, I know! Surfs up and she’s in Brazil!” Ding, ding ding! Winner!
“So she posted a picture from a terminal at LAX, and the caption is an airplane, the moon at night, and a movie clapperboard. Hmm… did she see someone famous at night at the airport? No… Oh, I got it! She’s flying back east on the redeye and watching a movie!” Winner, winner!
She also uses the hashtag #TheyH8UsCuzTheyAintUs in all of her pictures and probably her bio. Her average posts per year is conservatively 750-800 total.
Last Week on The Wise Guise
During last week’s recap of The Bachelor I asked you guys to tell me TV show Olivia reminds you of. This was prompted when she said that Amanda reminds her of an episode of Teen Mom. You guys did not disappoint! Here’s your contributions…
Olivia looks like she would be on that show parental control not as one of the dates they would pick..obviously but us the girlfriend they are trying to get rid of
TV Shows Olivia Reminds Me Of:
Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood
I’ve never watched either show, but every time I see an image or a picture or a commercial, I roll my eyes and worry about the future of the republic.
Olivia reminds me of Glenn Close’s character in the older movie ‘Fatal Attraction’. Whomever Ben chooses should watch their backs and their pet rabbits… Olivia might just pop up and steal Ben away in a few years! She’s never going to give up!
Olivia reminds me of Lola Bunny controlling and snappy.
Olivia should have been on Bridalplasty (1 season on E!) where she would compete for her dream wedding with Ben and a cankle reduction.
Olivia’s True Life Show–