I kept trying to write this recap on Tuesday, but every time I would get in a rhythm, Olivia kept coming in my room and asking if she could steal me for a second. Then I drove to a coffee shop to get some writing done, and Olivia popped up right next to my parking spot and asked if she could steal me for a second. Then I was trying to watch The People vs OJ Simpson, but Olivia kept appearing on my TV and asking if she could steal me for a second. Even later I was trying to read before going to sleep, and as soon as I opened my book, Olivia popped out of it and asked if she could steal me for a second. GO AWAY, OLIVIA. Is there some way the Sanderson Sisters from Hocus Pocus can come cast a spell on her to make her disappear?
There are boring episodes of The Bachelor, and then there are extremely boring episodes of The Bachelor where there’s no ending. Guess which one this week’s episode was?
This episode was so boring that the BBC just picked it up for a 10-episode mini series.
This episode was so terrible that it just endorsed Ted Cruz for President.
This episode was so annoying that it kept using “caucus” as a verb.
This episode was so boring that TNT just made it their new summertime drama.
This episode was so boring it made Sean Lowe’s season look “unrated”.
This episode was so terrible that Olivia swallowed it whole and then spit back it out.
This episode was so dull that your mom just set it up for a series recording.
This episode was so basic that Ben just asked it out for a one-on-one date.
Ok, is that enough? No? Alright, if you say so…
This episode was so boring that it only made page three in the local Warsaw, Indiana, newspaper. (Probably titled, “The Something Gazette”)
This episode was so slow that it was just named mayor of Arlington, Iowa.
This episode was so hopeless it made Tinley fall in love with it.
This episode was so dumb that Marcus and Lacey just friended it on Facebook – from their joint account, probably.
This episode was so routine that CSI just added it to their franchise.
This episode was so bad that I had to narrow this list down from its original version.
Anyway, I didn’t like it. If this episode were a contestant I wouldn’t have given it a rose. In fact, I would’ve accused it of having a lover back home – during the middle of an episode while everyone else watched from the balcony right above us. No episode in television history has been less worthy of a “to be continued.” Not even The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley needed “to be continued” – plus, they even respected our evening routines by solving any crime by dinnertime!
Rise and Shine
This week we took a trip to Mexico: Donald Trump’s version of Team Iceland in The Mighty Ducks. Then every girl lost their mind when they entered the hotel room as if they had never seen a room besides the one they grew up in. OMG it has a bed AND a couch! The flipped out like they were just released from a seven-year stint in a garden shed and their long-haired son had just escaped and seen the world for the first time and somehow managed to get the police to come find the garden shed. Shout out to Room.
The best part – objectively – was Ben sneaking into the girls’ room to wake them up at 4:30am. There was less drama and more retainers than you would’ve imagined in this scenario.
What Actually Happened When Ben Woke the Girls Up
Olivia was making a voodoo doll of every girl left in the house… and Lace.
Jubilee was sitting in the hallway reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Lauren H was standing in front of the fridge with the freezer door open after reading three pages of 50 Shades of Grey.
Amanda was sleeping perfectly without a hair misplaced.
Leah was jumping in front of the camera so that people would see that she was actually on this show.
Caila had just laugh-cried herself to sleep.
Jennifer was doing something normal and nice, because I want her to be doing something normal and nice.
Emily had been FaceTiming Haley in the bathroom, but she was actually just talking into the mirror.
JoJo was drinking wine out of a glass that said Betch Please in rhinestones.
Lauren B was probably “sleep-announcing” the safety instructions for a Southwest flight.
And Becca was hitting refresh over and over for the San Diego casting call for next season’s Bachelor.
I firmly believe that she would win this show if she didn’t have kids. That’s not an indictment on her, but more on Ben. She’s a young mother of two girls, which I imagine is very challenging. Meanwhile, the toughest part of Ben’s day is deciding how many buttons to leave unbuttoned on his flannel shirt. “I mean if I leave the top two undone then that’s kind of normal, right? But I busted my ass all year in the gym, and so I think I earned that third button.”
Their date consisted of Amanda pouring her heart out to Ben and telling him about the struggles from her past that are real life issues, and it went something like this (paraphrasing)…
Amanda: “I mean we never really loved each other, but we had a baby together so we needed to stand by each other. But then I realized that he had been running around on me and going out and partying every night, which forced me to raise this child alone. Then once I was pregnant with our second kid it just really forced the issue, and we had a really nasty breakup. Now I pretty much raised two girls on my own, you know? Have you had any struggles in your life?”
Ben: “I like basketball, and other sports sometimes, too. Also, flannels with an occasional button down t-shirt.
Sometimes I don’t like the taste of protein shakes… So, should we make out or nah?”
Ben later finished their date by saying that you’d have to be crazy to let a girl like Amanda go – which is exactly what Ben will do sometime over the next three weeks.
What We Learned on the Group Date
We learned that it’s annoying 100% of the time when someone isn’t fluent in Spanish but tries to speak in Spanish. Oh, you took a one-hour credit of Intro to Spanish your freshman year of college? Oh wow, you know the phrase, “Where is the library?” in Spanish? Oh, you keep saying “gracias” to people when it’s not necessary? You are so cultured! Ugh. You should have to present a card to earn the right to speak another language, and people who aren’t bilingual but try to stumble their way through another language would receive a citation if caught doing so in public. I wish I could speak other languages, but I know better than to order my tacos in Spanglish at Baja Burrito in Nashville.
We learned that Olivia is totally the person who sits in the front of the class and reminds the teacher that homework was due. “But teacher, you said you were going to quiz us over the material from last night’s reading!” She is also the girl that has to do all of the homework and study hard to get good grades. If you don’t understand why that is insulting then you were probably one of those people, too.
She would so be the person in high school who…
JoJo: is constantly texting under her desk and bobbing her head side-to-side as she sends a sassy response.
Jubilee: sits in the back corner of the class and draws Japanese Anime characters.
Caila: has never missed a day of school in her life, and she gets some attendance award at the senior banquet.
Becca: dates a senior when she is only a freshman and/or dates a guy in college while she’s still in high school.
Emily: gets really excited to get a C on a paper.
Leah: is STILL JUMPING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA TRYING TO BE NOTICED.
Jennifer: goes off to college before you realize that you missed your chance.
Amanda: is out of your league and only easy to talk to because your last names are close in the alphabet.
Lauren B: is so pretty, nice, and normal that you talk yourself out of liking her because it makes too much sense.
Lauren H: is slightly on the outside of her friend group but tries so hard to have a real connection with every girl inside of the friend group.
We also learned that Jubilee doesn’t fully understand what “pulling back” means. Ben told her he feels like she was pulling back, and she said something like, “I’m not pulling back, it’s just that I am not being vulnerable and not really trying to talk to you when I get the chance, and I’d rather just lay low in the background and talk myself out of liking you.” I know there’s a good phrase for that… oh, I know: pulling back. RIP to Jubilee. We’ll never forget that time that all the girls made her feel like a total outcast on MLK Jr Day. Shame on The Bachelor for not having more people like Jubliee, and less people like Olivia – although people like Olivia make it easier to write recaps.
It’s not every week that you get to see someone take their first trip out of the country, unless you work at customs and hate life. I bet this was Lauren H’s first trip outside of Michigan.
Pop quiz: What’s worse than attending a boring fashion show in Mexico City?
Answer: Watching someone else attend a boring fashion show in Mexico City!
Lauren H’s only role on the show the rest of the season is to see if she can make enough weird facial expressions to pass Olivia on the “number of internet memes” scale. The amount of times she opens her mouth in amazement would be absurd if we weren’t used to seeing Olivia constantly showing us all 84 of her teeth. Lauren H is going to be the girl in a few years that marries a guy from five or six season ago, and we all are going to have a hard time remembering her. “You know, the one from Michigan with the strong accent. The schoolteacher, remember? The one who made all of those crazy expressions.” “Olivia?” “NO, NOT OLIVIA! The other one!”
We ended this week’s episode with Olivia looking at Amanda, the 25-year-old mother of two, and saying that she reminds her of an episode of Teen Mom. Insulting? You bet! I’d now like to open up the floor for suggestions from you who are reading this:
What TV show does Olivia remind you of?
Or, what would Olivia’s “True Life” show be titled?
Please leave your answer in the comments section at the bottom, and I’ll put the best ones in next week’s recap – unless no one leaves a comment and then I’ll retroactively remove this part and pretend it never happened.
My suggestions for which shows Olivia reminds me of:
Making a Murderer
Next (the old MTV show)
The later seasons of Glee
Season 4 of The OC
True Detective (second season)
Every Republican Debate this Year
Fingers crossed that the next episode is either A) entertaining, or B) has an ending to it. I’m not going to ask for both, but just one of those.