I’d like to apologize for the delay of this Bachelor recap. Could I blame it on the National Championship game that aired at the same time as The Bachelor on Monday? Sure. Should I blame it on the fact that I had a busy day Tuesday at my actual job that makes me money? Maybe, but why tell you anything that’s not the cold hard truth.
The truth is that I was trapped inside Olivia’s mouth for the past 24 hours.
I can now see the horror and fragility that the Chilean miners felt when trapped beneath the Earth’s surface for days on end, not knowing if they will ever see their families again. I understand now why there were so many folk songs written about coal miners and the tragedies suffered by those brave men and women. I, too, saw things that I won’t soon forget while trapped in Olivia’s mouth.
Things I saw while trapped in Olivia’s mouth
-James Franco was there, and somehow he got his arm stuck between a canine and a premolar. He was there when I showed up, and when I left it had been about 26 hours of him screaming, “Help!” I guess he’ll have to saw his way out. Poor guy.
-I bumped into Nicholas Cage a few times, and he kept putting his lantern in my face and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?! WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE LIBERTY BELL!”
-There was a Walmart Supercenter that was right across the tongue from a Target. I wanted to shop at Target, but someone gave me a Walmart gift card for Christmas so I had to go over there a few times and use it.
-Bowe Bergdahl was wearing a disguise and trying to make a run for it from a front tooth to the wisdom teeth. I asked him why but he was adamant that this was between him and the entire US military.
-Believe it or not, there was a Blockbuster right next to a Radio Shack. Apparently they were so deep in Olivia’s mouth that they haven’t received any news about their companies. I didn’t have the heart to tell them, so I bought a Nokia car phone from Radio Shack and then took advantage of a 4 for $20 sale at Blockbuster, buying: Rain Man, Airplane!, The Italian Job, and Orange County – don’t judge, you know the fourth movie is always a total throw-in.
-Leo from The Revenant was in there sleeping for the night. In his defense, it was very cold outside of her mouth that night and there were no dead horses around for him to snuggle into.
-Ricky Gervais was standing at a podium making jokes about Mel Gibson to a room full of drunk celebrities, and when he finished Denzel Washington got on stage to accept a lifetime achievement award and gave a speech that sounded like he was caught off guard by the award. Oh wait, that was actually the Golden Globes. My bad. That event wasn’t held in Olivia’s mouth – they didn’t have a big enough guest list so the place would’ve looked empty on TV.
As you can see, it was an eventful 24 hours in Olivia’s mouth, so clearly there was no time to write a recap. But I made it out alive, so let’s get to it.
Shameless Plug Week
Welcome to Shameless Plug week of The Bachelor!
Shameless Plug week occurs once per season, and this year it only took ABC two episodes in to beat us over the head with a plug for a movie. Last season it was Cinderella, where Farmer Chris took Jade, America’s sweetheart, on a Cinderella-themed date. Hopefully Disney isn’t making a sequel of what happened next; Cinderella 2: Cinderella Sits Down with Prince Charming to Tell Him About Her Playboy Past. Then two years ago on Juan Pablo’s season we had M&M’s making appearances, and then I think Dove’s body wash as well – which we all needed after watching that season.
This year it was Kevin Hart and Ice Cube promoting their movie Ride Along 2. I didn’t see the first movie, but I hope this one is about those two guys working as up-and-coming cops in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin, where they become good friends with Colburn and Kratz*.
Anyway, this week we will be shouting out to some of our sponsors throughout the way. Hopefully it is so distracting that it takes away from your enjoyment of this recap!
In fact, this section of the post is brought to you by Toyota’s Rav 4: it’s more than the car that was found on the Avery’s salvage yard, it’s a Toyota. Toyota, Let’s Go Places.
*Colburn and Kratz would be a great summertime show on TNT where it’s just those two guys at an IHop complaining about their portrayal on Making a Murderer.
Bachelor High Group Date
We started the second episode of the season like we do almost every year: a girl who went crazy on the first night trying to explain to the camera that she’s “not that kind of girl.” This year’s participant of that role was Lace, America’s sweetheart. You know what is a sure-fire sign that someone is crazy? IT’S WHEN THEY CONSTANTLY HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT THEY’RE NOT CRAZY. No nice, normal person has to wake up everyday and make a list of people in their head of who (whom?) they need to convince of their sanity. 75% of Lace’s airtime so far has been her trying to tell everyone that she’s not the girl that we all saw on opening night. 100% of her air time proves that she is.
The Bachelor High group date is a heavy favorite for worst group date of all time. Of all the extravagant things the show has done over the years, making the girls compete in a school-themed game is a huge downer. Last year’s equivalent was making the girls run a tough-mudder in wedding dresses. Rule #1 of all reality shows: make a single girl (or 10) wear a wedding dress to see the level of emotional fragility we are working with. However, Bachelor High did teach us a few things.
We learned that Chris Harrison is totally the guy at your high school that did the morning announcements. It’s not because he is asked to do the announcements, but rather because he begged the front office every day for three years, and those are the people at the school he feels the closest with. “Todays lunch is liver and onions… Juuuuuust kidding. It’s actual cardboard pizza with rubber pepperonis and chocolate milk.” This joke about the guy who did the announcements at your high school was brought to you by Pleated Dockers: they’re not just any khaki pants… they’re pleated!
The first two subjects they covered in the competition were Science and “Lunch Class.” You don’t remember Lunch Class? It was the punch line to the lame joke about which subject was your favorite, and was usually told by the guy who does your morning announcements. In the science experiment, each team had to put together the proper ingredients for love: trust, friendship, appreciation, communication, and love. They should’ve had ingredients for Bachelor love: national TV audience, tears, alcohol, insecurity, evening gowns, and drama.
The best part of the school competition came when the girls had to A) pick out which state was Indiana, and then B) place it correctly on the map. To their credit they all picked out the correct state out of a pile of cut-out states, but no one knew exactly where it went on the map or which side should face up. I could’ve watched another three hours of this. I would pay $100 to watch Becca and JoJo try to place states in the right spot – not even all the states, but just some of the obvious ones. They would probably slot Florida into one of the great lakes like a puzzle piece, California would be the new Mexico, and Maine would be north of Santa’s workshop.
We also learned that it would only take Lace one and a half episode to say the uncensored version of, “freak these girls.” I thought it might take a whole two episodes, but I was wrong. She dropped that line to the cameras and then alienated herself on a group date to the rest of the girls. Lace looks like she was five sessions into a ten-session therapy plan, and then she left for the show before she was ready. Her therapist finally started to break some ground with her, and then she got the casting call for the show and was like, “Yeah, I think I’m healed. See ya!”
Caila was the recipient of the first one-on-one date of the year, but it was hard to notice with how much we were smothered with shameless plugs from Ride Along 2. They kept slipping in the phrase “ride along” so much, but the worst part is that they thought they were being discrete about it. “Yeah, Caila is a great girl to take for a ride along.” “Ben, here’s Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. They’re going to take you for a ride along (WINK, WINK!!!!).” But before we get ahead of ourselves I must say that this mention of Ride Along 2 was brought to you by 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi, which opens this weekend. Too bad they didn’t bring in those actors to hang on The Bachelor. “Ben, for your first one-on-one date we thought it would be romantic for you and Caila to sit in a room for 13 hours (wink, wink) and listen to a full breakdown of the political impact of Benghazi. Enjoy!”
“Caila seems like a nice girl,” said mothers everywhere Monday night. She’s very pretty, bubbly, and nice, but she does the most dangerous thing anyone in a new relationship can do: blindly vouch for anything the other does. “Sure, Ben pushed someone into oncoming traffic during our date, but he looked so cute doing it.” “Yeah, so Ben held a girl captive in his garden shed for like 7 years, but I’m proud of him because it takes dedication to pull off something like that.” That joke was sponsored by Room, quite possibly my favorite movie of the year. Looking for a good cry followed by an even harder cry? Go check out Room today! It really is fantastic.
The one-on-one date pulled out all of the classic Bachelor stops: a shameless plug by ABC for a movie, a hot tub, a dinner where neither person touches their food, and then a private concert. Girls, be honest with me – would you want someone to arrange a private concert for you and a guy on your first date? Imagine telling your friends about it. “He took me to dinner and we talked about how we both felt unlovable, then I told him how I met a guy on a plane and then dated him for a year just because it sounded like the plot of a chick flick from the early 2000’s. Oh, and then just the two of us danced alone with while a musician that we both sort of like played in the background.” “Wait, you did what?” would hopefully be there response.
Love and Science Group Date
Ah, Love and Science… the crappy sequel to Love and Basketball. This date was as good as the other group date was bad. They should have this date every season purely so that we could watch a group of girls watch the bachelor and another girl through thermal images.
That lab looked extremely shady. There’s no way that place is still open, right? The lab was run by a cheese ball fake doctor named Dr. Love, and his staff was a group of mute extras. If Olivia wins this show I hope she and Ben want to go visit the lab to see the place where it all started, and it’s now like a staffing company. “Hey, what happened to the love lab?” “Oh, that place? They were shut down the DEA discovered it was the largest cocaine distributer in southern California.” “Yikes, well what happened to Dr. Love?” “Who, Jerry? Yeah, he was the largest kingpin drug trafficker on the west coast, and the police took him back to prison after they found him in a Motel 6 being interviewed by Sean Penn.” “Well what happened to all of the equipment?” “Olivia swallowed it whole on her way out.”
The rest of the group date was a bit of a blur because I was distracted by Ben wearing a blazer over a hoodie. I thought it was a bit strange, but then on Bachelor Live (which I only watched about 3 minutes of) Farmer Chris was wearing the same thing! What’s the idea here? I need an outfit that says I’m a professional guy who is serious about his business, but one that also shows that I respect cold weather. Oh, I know, a hooded sweatshirt under a blazer! He wore that only so he could look chivalrous while giving a girl his blazer, which was a real bummer because I was hoping it was all one piece.
The cocktail party was round one of Lace vs Olivia. These two women have the largest personalities in the house, and they are both going to be the reason the other goes home. Lace is all bark and Olivia is all bite… That joke about the size of Olivia’s mouth was brought to you by Subway. How many years will it take for us to distance ourselves from Jared? Subway, eat fresh!
The best part of the cocktail party was Ben trying to suck up to all the girls that he didn’t take on a date this week. Going into the night we had 21 total girls, and all but four of them went on a date this week, so that’s damage control to a high degree. “Hey boo, I just want to let you know that I’m really glad you’re here, but I didn’t take you on a date because I didn’t think that you were top 17 this week. You were close, maybe 18 or 19, but not top 17.”
How did Ben try to smooth things over? He went the personal gift route. He gave the flight attendant a picture of the two of them from opening night, and then he told her that he didn’t take her on a date because his head was in the clouds and that he loved how grounded she was. Ok, he didn’t use those puns, but that’s his bad. After watching him give her that picture and Amanda the hair clips for her daughter, it hit me that Ben is probably our first millennial bachelor, right? Farmer Chris lives in a town that is stuck in the 1940’s so he doesn’t count, Juan Pablo doesn’t know that he was actually the Bachelor for a season, and Sean is too boring for me to care about. I hope our first millennial Bachelor keeps with this theme. “Thanks for your time this week. Here is a watch made from the broken glass of a mason jar bound by artisanal leather.” “The person with the most retweets in the next hour will earn the next one-on-one date with Ben.” “Lauren B, will you accept this rose that was handpicked in the southern region of Argentina and then was breathed on for 4 hours by an extinct animal?”
The first few weeks of The Bachelor are always my favorite because you (I) get to make rash generalizations about girls that we only know from what the producers show us on television. Over the following weeks we will get to know the girls better, which makes me feel worse for joking about them. So enjoy it while it lasts! Also, this last paragraph was brought to you by IMAK Arthritis Gloves, for all of the scrolling down you had to do while reading this post on your computer, phone, or tablet.