In this week’s episode of “I’m not that girl you saw earlier, that’s not me, I’m not crazy,” Olivia is still a part of our lives, Amber whiffs on her 3rd chance of reality TV marriage bliss, and a certain girl that looks just like another girl gets dumped in her own living room, but first…
I want to invite each and every one of you to an exciting investment opportunity. Imagine being in the room as Mark Zuckerberg asked his first investors for their initial contribution, telling them that they could poke anyone on the planet, digitally. Imagine being in the room when whoever made Snapchat was trying to convince his friends that the idea isn’t that creepy. “Why does the picture have to disappear? That’s creepy, right?” “No, I mean, you can send a picture of anything you want to someone – a dog, a flower, the sunset, yourself naked in the reflection of your bathroom mirror – and it just disappears!” “See, I knew it. Gross.”
Now what if I told you that you could get in on the ground floor of a new app that will make Angry Birds look like a complete and total loser (Donald Trump voice)?
For just 12 easy payments of just $1,200 you can make Olivia suddenly appear and pop out of a cake anywhere in the United States at anytime! The app is called Dizastr, and it’s only compatible with Android and Zune – but only if the Zune has been in a drawer for 7+ years and you can’t find the charger. Don’t ask me how, but we got the Cake Boss to custom make a line of cakes that is just Olivia’s mouth faced towards the sky, so she will literally pop out of her own mouth.
Dizastr also offers a few upgrades:
-For an additional $300, Olivia will say her catchphrase, “Can I steal you for a minute?”
-For an additional $600, Olivia will go up to your worst enemy and point out their biggest insecurity.
-And finally, for an additional $1,200, Olivia will let you climb into her mouth and take up to a 45-minute nap.
To get in on the ground floor, all you have to do is tweet the hashtag #Dizastr or #TheBachelor and $20,000 will automatically be transferred from your savings account to our team here at Dizastr as your initial investment.
Now, don’t make me ask you twice… who’s in?
JoJo’s date started like every other date in Bachelor history: Chris Harrison walking into the room to every single girl sitting on the same piece of furniture and asking if they’re ready. “Oh, hey Chris. All 15 of us just happened to be sitting on this same sectional couch facing the same direction. But now that you’re here, what’s up?” Also, whenever someone reads the date card for a one-on-one date they always take an Obama-during-any-State-of-the-Union-address-like pause before reading the rest of it. Just one time I want a girl to say, “JoJo, (15 second pause)… also Amanda, Caila, Jubilee, Olivia, and whichever one of the Laurens touches her nose first,” to just trick someone into thinking it’s a one-on-one.
I can’t imagine that JoJo was too excited that her date itinerary read, “Fly on a helicopter for no more than 20 minutes, put on an evening gown so you can sit on a couch for up to an hour, and then go watch fireworks.” The date card said, “Let’s set your heart on fire,” or something like that – I literally just hit rewind on the DVR to see what it said but it was so cliché and dumb that I already forgot and have no interest in rewinding it again. Her date card should’ve said, “JoJo, are you cool with just hanging out for a bit? I know you packed a dress for this occasion, so you can wear it if you want, but let’s just sit on the couch and talk – I don’t want to take advantage of having an unlimited budget here in Vegas. Cool? Thx. Love, Ben… sorry, just to clarify, it’s Ben from The Bachelor. Ben H. Ok, see ya.”
During their let’s-dress-like-Casablanca-but-then-just-sit-on-the-couch time, Ben asked if JoJo had been cheated on, and she said, “It’s just, you know, I wasn’t the only person involved in their life. And while I was giving everything to one person, I wasn’t getting that in return.” Sooooo, that’s a yes? JoJo continued, “It just got harder every Christmas helping him buy gifts for his wife and their three beautiful children, but he would always find a way to sneak out and spend Christmas Eve with me and my family. Then once school would roll back around in January it was even more difficult because his youngest son, Chip, was in my class and his wife was my teacher’s assistant. Ugh, you know how it goes.”
(The second part is what I imagined being cut out by the editors)
You know a group date is going to be entertaining when a girl says, “Let’s hope it’s not nipple tassels,” when guessing what the activity is. What the date lacked in the nipple tassels department, it made up for in the talent show area.
But first, what would a group date be without someone pretending to be a huge fan of the special guest? “Jerry Fabor? OMG, I grew up on Jerry Fabor. I love Jerry!” “Uh yeah, my name’s Terry Fator.” “Oh wait, aren’t you Jeff Dunham?” “That’s it, we’re out of here.” “Who’s we?” “Me and Lil Terry! It took me two hours to tie this little tie around his neck this morning, and you know what? He was so excited to meet you girls! He is a longtime fan of the show, and I told him not to get his hopes up in case someone didn’t recognize us. So congrats, you just ruined a little, well-dressed puppet’s day!”
If the girls had to perform their real-life talents
Ben: “Thanks for coming tonight, everybody. I know you all paid money to see an actual show, so we thought we might just ruin your night real quick by putting on a talent show!”
“I’ll start us off with my talent which will require some audience participation. I’m going to hold everyone’s hand – boy or girl – and look deep into his or her eyes and tell you that I’m glad you’re here.”
Amber: “My talent is being on three different Bachelor shows in less that 13 months while at the same time not coming close to winning any of them.”
Caila: “My talent is to smile and laugh so incredibly much that it tricks all of you into thinking that I don’t spend most of my waking hours sobbing my eyes out! Did I fool you? Thanks, I’ve been working on this for 10 years!”
Leah: “My talent is making everyone at home turn to the person they are watching the show with and saying, ‘Wait, who’s that? What’s her name? Has she been on the whole time?’”
Lauren H: “Oh, hey guys. My tee-ahh-lent is spending one-on-one time with Ben and kissing the puppet instead of him in hopes that he would say, ‘You missed,’ and then he would pliant (plant in Michigan accent) one on me, but it didn’t happen. If things don’t work out with Ben then I guess I’ll see if the puppet, Lil Terry, is available. He seems nice.”
Rachel: “My talent is getting the least amount of camera time so that you didn’t even realize that I got cut last week. But I’ll show up for Bachelor in Paradise so you have to Google me to see which season I’m from.”
Jennifer: “My talent is to look really attractive and then show you that I play tennis so that the guy writing this recap falls in love with me.” Mission accomplished, Jenn!
Twins: In unison, “Our talent is to do this long division problem: 80 divided by 5. So you put the one up top and then put a 5 under the 8, and then the 0 carries down. But then you have to do 8 minus 5, so…”
*90 minutes later*
“…then you unlock the screen on your iPhone and type in your password: 1-2-3-4, just like my pin number. Now open up the calculator app and type 80 divided by 5 and the answer is 16! Thank you!”
Lauren B: “My talent is to tell a guy on the first date that I want to meet his parents. Then on our second date I will tell him that our previous date could be my last first date ever. Now when I say ‘commit’ and you say ‘ment’: Commit-Ment, Commit-Ment!”
Amanda: “My talent is to be the topic of conversation next week when Olivia calls me a teen mom.”
Jubliee: “My talent is actually real: I’m going to play a real music instrument. Is that ok, or is every girl in the house going to look down on me for it?”
Olivia: “For Olivia’s talent, Olivia is going to refer to Olivia in the third person the rest of the time that Olivia is on the show. But that’s not all… I’m also going to fit this mid-sized sedan in my mouth. Special thanks to our sponsor, Ford, for donating this 2016 Ford Fusion.”
The Next Bachelor
I know they usually don’t announce the next Bachelor this early in advance, but I have some exciting news for everyone. After his performance this week, we’d like to introduce you to America’s next Bachelor: Lil’ Terry! Watch Lil’ Terry as he sits on Chris Harrison’s arm for an entire season of The Bachelor, next fall on ABC. Just because he’s only two feet tall and made of fabric doesn’t meant that it won’t be the most dramatic season yet. Would the ratings drop at all if the next Bachelor was literally a puppet?
“Lil’ Terry, I know we’ve just met and that you’re really just two feet of cotton being operated by Chris Harrison, but I’m really starting to fall for you. It’s usually tough for me to put my guard down because I’ve had bad experiences with puppets in the past, but you really just put me at ease. I can’t wait for you to meet my parents!”
Tagline: “Love has never been softer.”
What single girl doesn’t love putting on a good wedding dress and hitting the town, am I right? I take all of my dates (hardly plural) down to David’s Bridal – or the nearest equivalent – and ask for their cheapest hourly rental! Don’t worry, Becca, you were the 270th person in Vegas that week to wear a wedding dress and not get married. Plus, those cheesy Vegas weddings they performed will still be more successful than any marriage from The Bachelor! The show will probably try to claim those to up their percentage.
Ben officiated those weddings with the same laser-like intensity that the dumb guy at your office has when given a menial task by his superior. “Make sure the shredder is still shredding stuff? You got it, boss! You’ll never see papers get more shredded than this. No sir you won’t!”
Even though they didn’t get married, Ben and Becca still exchanged vows at the end of their date. Ben promised to like look her in the eye or something stupid like that, and then Becca said, “I vow to always tell you that you’re great, I’ll let you know that I want to be here, and next season on The Bachelor I promise to correct the mistakes I made in my past two tries to finally breakthrough and win this b*tch.” I don’t exactly remember her third vow, but I’m sure it was close to that.”
What’s the only thing worse than being sent home during a rose ceremony on national TV? Being broken up with in your own living room in front of your family while the guy chooses your identical-looking sister over you… on national TV! The only thing that would’ve made it worse is if Ben told the girls that he had to go get something out of the car, and then all they hear are tire screeches and never see him again. “Yeah, Ben said he was going out for a carton of milk and that’s the last time either of us saw him,” said the twins, in unison.
Just when Haley thought it couldn’t get any worse, she had to watch her mom on TV this week tell the guy she liked, “Yeah, listen here. Emily is clearly the breadwinner of the two. I would definitely pick her. Haley is nice, too. But she’s always tagging along with Emily and I when we go to lunch, or when we go shopping, or when I checked Emily out of school and moved to Las Vegas without telling Haley. Then next thing you know you’re getting a call from her principle saying, ‘Haley has been waiting for you outside of school for two weeks for you to come pick her up. Can you come get her? We can’t keep telling her that your Apple maps app isn’t working.’ It’s such a drag.”
Things will get better for Emily now that she’s the only one on the show. For instance, Ben will let her take the bandage off of her thumb that he was using to tell the two apart. I was hoping that Ben was still going to send Emily home during the rose ceremony, but he ruined my dreams. But hey, now we get to see one of them doing an interview alone instead of sitting on each other’s laps.