Hey guys, it’s been a really tough week for me. I got some news that will alter my life forever. I actually just got a call from my doctor and he told me that I have… wait, hold on, Olivia would like to say something. Go ahead, Olivia…
“Yeah, sorry to interrupt, but I’m really self-conscious about my legs, so I know what it’s like to struggle. Now go ahead, you were saying you like want to be a doctor when you grow up or something.”
Ahhhh, man! She did it again! It happens to the best of us.
On last week’s recap of The Bachelor we focused on the size of Olivia’s mouth, which even now has it’s own Twitter account with over 14,000 followers: @BachelorOlivia. Memes were flying all around the internet of Olivia’s mouth (and probably in it, too), and five different people sent me a screenshot of it during that episode.
This week, however, we’ll focus less on the size of Olivia’s mouth and more about what was coming out of it. For instance, when Ben tearfully told the girls that two pillars of his community back home had tragically passed away, and Olivia’s response to that was to pull him to the side and discuss what she doesn’t like about her body. Does it get more tone deaf than that?
(Do you get the double meaning of tone deaf?)
To answer the question, yes, it gets more tone deaf later on when the girls torment Jubilee on MLK day, but more on that later.
After spending the last few days reading all 332,000 results you get when Googling “bachelor Olivia toes,” a question came to mind: how was this girl able to report actual news stories? She was a 23-year-old working for some local Fox affiliate before ruining her life on The Bachelor, so I know she wasn’t on 60 Minutes or anything like that. Plus, everyone lies about their jobs when they are fresh out of college. “Yeah, so I’m a Social Media and Marketing Assistant for Yelp. We did nearly $400 million in revenue in 2014.” Translation: I read through the Yelp reviews of my hometown and delete comments that say the F-word and/or anything derogatory about my generation.
But I wonder what it was like watching her talk about serious subjects on the news. Probably something like this…
Olivia Reporting News Events
The Riots in Ferguson
Tom: Riots break out in Ferguson, Missouri, as a man is shot and killed by a police officer. For more on the story we send you live to Ferguson with Olivia Fromthebachelor. Olivia?
Olivia: Thanks, Tom. I’m here live in Ferguson, Missouri, where a riot has broken out on the streets. But before I get to that, I’d just like to say that I’ve never really liked by calves.
Tom: Uh, what’s that now?
Olivia: My calves. I’ve never really liked my calves, Tom.
Tom: Olivia, people are literally dying on camera right behind you. Can we talk about this? What’s the scene like down there?
Olivia: I’d love to, Tom. But these riots just started like less than a week ago, and I’ve literally had these calves for the past 23 years. 23 years! I’ve tried everything – workouts, diets, surgery – and nothing will work but wearing loose-fitting pants. If any viewers out there have suggestions of how to fix my calves, then please use the hashtag #OliviasLowerHalf. Back to you, Tom.
The Pope Visits America
Tom: Pope Francis made his first visit to the United States this past week, and somehow our little Fox affiliate in Virginia was able to get an exclusive interview with the man deemed as the People’s Pope. We sent Channel 5 reporter Olivia Fromthebachelor to sit down with Pope Francis, and here’s a look at the interview…
Olivia: Mr. Pope, it’s an honor to be sitting with you right now. I want to talk about your meeting with President Obama and your thoughts on this historic visit, but first thing’s first… what do you think about my toes, and can you cast the demons out of them?
Pope: Um, that’s not really what I do…
Olivia: I just need you to stare directly at my toes and shout, “Demons be gone!”
Olivia: Listen, you don’t know what it’s like being born with the toes of an NFL linebacker! Just rid the demons from my toes and make them look normal so that we can get on with this interview.
Pope: It doesn’t really work like that.
Olivia: Wow, and here I thought you came to America to make a difference. Well you just lost the respect of a highly regarded 23-year-old journalist. We’re done here. Back to you, Tom.
Tom: Olivia, ask the Pope if…
Olivia: I SAID BACK TO YOU, TOM!
Supreme Court Legalizes Gay Marriage
Bob: Hey, folks. Bob Haircut here filling in for Tom Newsman tonight. The Supreme Court legalized gay marriage today, and for more on the story we send you live to our correspondent Olivia Fromthebachelor.
Olivia: Thanks, Bob. But real quick, what happened to Tom?
Bob: Tom quit and stormed out of the news station after the Pope exclusive.
Olivia: Ugh, don’t even remind me of that pointless conversation.
Olivia: Anyway, so the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage and stuff this morning. But I didn’t want to go down there and interview anyone because I know they would only want to talk about one thing: my cankles.
Bob: I quit.
It was a tough week for Jubilee in the house, but a much better week for all of us who learned her nickname: Jubes. Great nickname. Also, feel free to fact check this, but I think Jubilee is the first African American to ever go on a one-on-one date in the show’s 19-year history. It felt appropriate for this to happen during an episode that aired on Martin Luther King Jr Day. When Reverend King said, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of it’s creed…” I don’t think he had a one-on-one date card with Jubilee’s name on it in mind, but I was glad to finally see it happen, and I hope she goes very far.
However, Jubliee is carrying a much heavier burden into the house: she has introduced an entire house of girls to sarcasm. For those who aren’t familiar with sarcasm, much like the girls in the house, it’s when you say the opposite of what you mean for added emphasis. That would be really tough to explain to 20 people who had no idea what it was, and it plagued her the whole episode. Can you imagine having to explain yourself every time you were being sarcastic?
When Jubes was leaving for her date she jokingly said, “Does anyone else want to go on this date?” and every hand went up in the group of girls. Then one of the girls said, in all seriousness, “I can’t believe she would say that! I would literally die to be on that helicopter.” Sadly, I think she really means that. Next week I want Jubes to abuse her power of sarcasm…
JoJo: How was your time with Ben?
Jubes: It was great. He proposed to me and then told me that he’s sending everyone home tonight.
JoJo: OMG, this is why I will never trust a man! This is why I have to put these walls up to protect myself!
Twins (in unison): What’s going on?
Jubes: Ben said he can’t tell you guys apart so he’s flipping a coin to figure out who to keep and who to send back to the Glitter Factory.
Twins: Wait, which one is Ben again?
Jubes: He’s the… ugh, never mind.
Olivia: What time is Ben picking me up for my one-on-one?
Jubes: Ben canceled the date because you didn’t bring any close-toed shoes.
Olivia: Ahhhh (swallows Jubilee whole)
I would love to see Jubes become the next Bachelorette, but I don’t think there’s a chance the network would do it unless they’re tricked into thinking it’s a new Shonda Rhimes show. If Shonda Rhimes wrote a season of The Bachelorette it would start with the proposal, and then spend the rest of the season showing flashbacks to fill in the backstory of how we got there. Plus, she’d have Jubilee busy solving the case of who pushed Chris Harrison off the balcony to his death. Hint: it was probably the man she trusted the most. Or maybe it was Fitz! Or Huck! Or Wes Gibbons! Where’s Olivia Pope and/or Professor Keating when you need them?
What Else We Learned
We learned that Caila thinks that she’s the only one in the house that has to deal with the guy she likes dating 15 other women at the same time. Pssst, hey Caila, every other girl in the house is on the same reality show that you are. That’s like someone with cancer telling someone else who has cancer how much it sucks to have cancer. “You just wouldn’t understand what I’m going through.” Hey Caila, you don’t see me going around to other 25-year-olds who are balding and telling them that every time I get a haircut I feel like Evil Kenevil before a big jump – this could be the last one.
We learned that girls love nothing more than to encrypt the secret meaning of date cards with greater intensity and focus than Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game. If novelist Chris Harrison walked in and put a date card through a shredder, the girls would have that thing pieced back together quicker than those kids did in Argo. A date card will read, “Love isn’t always what you think it is,” and immediately a girl will yell out, “OMG, we are taking the SAT and Ben is going to cut whoever gets the lowest score and then take the highest score out on a one-on-one date. Everyone, make sure you have two forms of ID and a number 2 pencil!” Or it will say, “Let’s not let our love be covered up,” and you’ll hear, “Ben is either taking us shopping for new down comforters, or he is taking us up to Manitowoc County and we are going to go plant a vile of Steven Avery’s blood in Officer Colburn’s medicine cabinet. Quick, someone give me a pack of cigarettes and a Nascar jacket so I can blend in with the townsfolk!”
We learned that every season of The Bachelor must feature a sports competition where half the people go home if their team loses. This week we got to watch what I’m assuming we’ll still call soccer, where the girls were divided up into two teams in a “loser goes back to the mansion with an icepack and mascara running down their face” format. It set soccer in America back 100 years. This scrimmage was the biggest setback to soccer in America since the men’s national team hired Jurgen Klinsmann. And it’s such a shame after all the work the women’s national team did this past summer by winning the World Cup. The only thing that could save us now is a remake of The Big Green.
One of my two takeaways from the match was when the girl who showed up on opening night with a football and claimed to be a big sports fan referred to scoring in soccer as a point: it’s a tie game, so the next point wins. It’s a bigger no-no to say you’re into sports and then not know the difference between a home run and a strikeout than it is to just say you don’t really keep up with it that much. But the other takeaway was how underutilized Olivia was on her team – just put her in goal and tell her to open her mouth. Nothing will get past her!
We learned this week that Lauren B is the person that your mom told you is “too good for the show.” Ben took her on a plane ride because it has been a few weeks now that she hadn’t been able to go over the safety instructions on a flight. I kept waiting for her to show Ben how to operate a seatbelt and then tell him that she needs a verbal yes that he’s willing and able to assist in the state of an emergency. That poor pilot that was with them had to listen to them makeout on the headset for like half an hour. It would truly be the most dramatic season ever if he couldn’t take it anymore and flew the plane into The Bachelor mansion. Technically it would be called a water landing due to the amount of alcohol in the house.
Finally, we learned that the only thing sadder than Stepmom, The Leftovers, Sufjan Stevens’ last album, or the fact that my first ringtone was Ludacris’ “Georgia” featuring Jamie Foxx and Field Mob was Jami’s emotional sign-off after getting cut on week three of a reality dating show. She threw around phrases like, “That’s why I’m always single,” and other favorites like, “That’s why I don’t ever expect anything from humans,” and, “I guess I’ll just start adopting cats.”
I watched both seasons (20 hours) of The Leftovers last week, which is a show about people dealing with a sudden departure where 2% of the world’s population disappears and mainstream religion is almost entirely replaced by cults, but Jami’s emotional breakdown was still the saddest thing I watched last week. Jami’s breakdown was so gruesome that Brendan Dassey claimed that he was involved in it. I sort of, kind of, maybe understand losing your mind if you get cut really late into a season, but not when you’ve only been there two weeks. On a sadness scale of 1-10, I would say her breakdown was worth 7 cats.
Based on the previews, The Bachelor takes the show on the road to Las Vegas. Let’s hope that A) the twins get recognized from whatever line of work they do in Vegas (we all have the same guess), B) someone gets accidentally married, and C) that the phrase “I’m going all-in for love” only gets used 150 times.