December 10th, 2015:
Two of my best friends had their first child, Noah.
Serial season 2 dropped out of nowhere and introduced us to a real-life Homeland season 1 story, all through our old pal Sarah Koenig.
The Golden Globe’s announced their nominations, and they listed The Martian as a comedy (or even at all).All of those things are great.
I look forward to watching Noah Stewart grow up confused as to which city he is supposed to like more, Memphis or Nashville – and to see the embarrassed look on his face when his father decides to grow another mustache. Or when his mother calls AAA from the side of I-40 because she has run out of gas (again), looking at Noah and saying, “Don’t tell your father.”
I look forward to arguing with people I haven’t seen in person in years (or ever) about a podcast that slides into your notifications once a week like a gift from Internet Santa. I look forward to spacing out at an intersection in my car through multiple stoplights while getting lost in an episode of Serial, only because people are too nice in Tennessee to honk at you. However, I’d say I use my horn an average of 9 times per week.
December 10th, you can leave work early today. Your job is done.
*puts finger to his ear pretending to listen through an earpiece*
Wait, what’s that? I’m hearing from my producer that this day can actually be a little more, as the kids say, turnt.
THE BACHELOR BIOS FOR 2016 ARE HOT OFF THE PRESS!
Sorry Patrick and Gillian and Noah, sorry Sarah Koenig and her producer Dana… but everyone takes a backseat to the Bachelor’s bio release. It’s a shame that it comes 15 days before Christmas, because now everything else in December is just fighting for second place. So let’s not waste anymore time before the Earth melts and we all die (United Nations Climate Change Conference joke).
One quick rule to remind you of before we get started: no one is “too good” for The Bachelor. If they found their way onto this show, then something is a little off. Sure, it may not jump out at you on the surface, but I would bet after a little digging on social media or after a few episodes we’ll find the reason or tipping point as to why they are on the show.
The actual bios: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast
As always, I’ll list a photo of the contestant, their name, age, hometown, “occupation,” an actual part from their bio, and a prediction of what they’ll do. We’ll start with our Bachelor, Ben H.
Former Software Salesman, current Bachelor
Warsaw, Indiana / Denver, Colorado
“Bachelor Nation was heartbroken when fan-favorite Ben H, the charming software salesman, was sent home by Kaitlyn Bristowe on The Bachelorette.”
Only The Bachelor, Chris Harrison, or The Hallmark Channel would use the phrase “charming software salesman” to describe someone. I’m going to take a wait-and-see approach with Ben H, because he seemed fairly normal when he was a contestant this past summer, but your true colors come out when you are the focal point of the show… (cough) Juan Pablo (cough).
Racho Santa Margarita, CA
What I had written about Amanda before finding out a certain fact about her:
She’ll be the one that… Is the hottest on the show. Not just like normal hot, but the kind of attractiveness that has led multiple guys to rehab, death, or both. She has the look of someone who was created in the top secret Bachelor lab to steal Ben H’s heart away from women he would actually have a connection with.
Then I planned on making fun of her guiltiest pleasure being “Nutella & Peanut Butter.” But right before leaving her bio, I saw this:
What is your greatest achievement to date? “My two daughters. They’re the most amazing little humans. I am amazed by then every day.”
If you are 25 years old and single with two kids, then “Nutella & Peanut Butter” are NOT your guiltiest pleasure!
If you are 25 years old and single with two kids, then “Hiking 12 miles to a waterfall in a thunderstorm” is not an acceptable answer to, “What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?”
Having a kid or two back home will get you through about 4-5 weeks of the show, and then they send you home because, “If I’m not sure that you are the one then I don’t want to keep you away from your kids any longer. I’m doing this for you.” But it’s usually not the most attractive girl on the show that has little ones at home while mommy is on a reality show. Usually it’s someone who has a kid named Kale or was an NBA dancer and had a kid with a member from that same NBA team.
(I hope I didn’t write this much about Amanda for her to be sent home opening night)
You might remember Amber from last season, or from Bachelor in Paradise, or from listing A Bronx Tale as one of her top 3 all-time favorite movies.
Amber was forgetful in Farmer Chris’ season of the show, but then she came roaring onto the Bachelor in Paradise scene ready to mingle, and by mingle I mean make out with anyone willing to connect faces.
But here’s the deal, I was into Amber on BIP. She’s really attractive and has some personality, but why is she back? What was the time difference between BIP and this season of the show? I guess she has been able to get her shifts covered at the bar the past 6-8 months.
Attention Single Men of America, or SMoA: Amber wants a husband, and she wants him now.
Prediction: she either wins this season or she is now engaged to a crewmember from the show, so either way she isn’t leaving that show single.
She’ll be the one that… Should not have come back on the show.
San Diego, CA
You might remember Becca from last season when she made it to the final 3 with Kaitlyn and (inhale helium) Whitney (exhale helium). You might also remember her bio from last year where she listed her “Greatest achievement to date,” as, “Staying and Living along in California when by sister and brother-in-law went back home to Louisiana.” You might also remember her brother-in-law as being Jacob Hester, former LSU running back who ripped Florida’s heart out and felt no empathy.
Why is she back, too? Who is covering her shift at the chiropractic practice? It must be complete chaos without her there!
She’ll be the one that… Makes it far, but is hated by the girls in the house because, in their words – YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR CHANCE AT LOVE!
I don’t care enough about Becca to write about her bio, so let’s move on to ladies we don’t know yet.
She looks like the kind of person who would flirt by walking by and knocking something off your desk on purpose, and then turning and saying, “Oh… oops,” and then keep walking.
She’ll be the one that… Looks like Katy Perry’s unsuccessful sister.
“If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be?” She answered: “Carrot! Sweet and sassy – and bright, because I am outgoing, and because it matches my self-tanner!”
I may or may not have added something at the end.
Software Sales Rep
Finally, the Software Sales fairytale that we’ve all been waiting for!
“How did you guys meet?”
“Well, I was running at the gym and noticed the guy on the treadmill next to me drinking out of a Norton Antivirus water bottle. Then he saw my Adobe Flash Player phone case, so it was love at first site!”
“What is your cultural background?” She answered: “I am half Filipino, and half German/Irish/Swiss.”
Then, when asked, “How do you make a Gin & Tonic, and what was your favorite subject in school?” she answered: “1/2 tonic water, 1/2 half gin, 2/4 ice, 1/3 lime juice… and anything but Math!”
She’ll be the one that… Is so nice to the other girls in the house that they hate her for it.
Las Vegas, NV
Hold on, let me add a new all-time outrageous occupation to the Bachelor records. Twin!
Yep, you guessed it – her twin is also on the show! A page right out of Big Brother’s playbook. (I watch either too much reality TV or the perfect amount of reality TV)
“If you wanted to really impress a man, what would you do and why?” She answered: “Be mysterious and also just really dress to impress! It’s more important to dress well, and look classy and act classy.”
It’s like she realized how slutty her answer sounded and then tried to backpedal with the second sentence. “I would put on the sluttiest thing I own because men are dumb and would be blinded by my looks… but, you know, it’s important to act and look classy, too.”
“What are the top 3 things on your bucket list?” She answered: “To be in New York on New Year’s Eve to watch the ball drop and see all the people; Travel; Go to Six Flags and ride every single ride.”
That’s exactly how an alien would answer that question. Are we sure she’s from our planet? “I just want to be near a lot of Earthlings, er, I mean all the people… Then go to a place for children.” She’s either an alien or was in a bomb shelter for the last 21 years.
She’ll be the one that… Puts on a dress backwards for a rose ceremony.
Now, for her twin:
26 (22, just seeing if you’re paying attention)
Las Vegas, NV
They are both from Vegas and list their occupation as “twin,” so I’m thinking maybe they perform a Vegas show in a crappy theater where one walks out and waves, then the other walks out and waves. End of show.
“What are five things you can’t live without?” She answered: “Cell phone (as opposed to her landline?), spray tan, chap stick, my dogs, my family.”
1) I’m guessing it’s in that order, and 2) the casting director didn’t need to hear anymore – you’re hired!
I’ll be curious to see who lasts longer, Haley or bomb shelter Emily? Haley was almost a Cowboys cheerleader and worked in a nightclub – according to her profile – so I’ll say Emily makes it further.
She’ll be the one that… Shows up with pom-poms on opening night.
She looks like she is constantly saying, “Chyeah right.”
“What is your all-time favorite book and why?” She answered: “Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages of 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.”
Oh, Izzy, there are an infinite amount of better answers than that, and most of them are just lies. But no, you chose to tell the truth, the saddest truth possible. Your all-time favorite book is half of an erotic fiction novel, and then the movie?
She’ll be the one that… Claims to be just one of the guys.
San Francisco, CA
She was voted most likely to make me Google her occupation.
She also listed her all-time favorite movies as: Seven Pounds, Elf, and March of the Penguins.
“Elf to show my sense of humor, March of the Penguins to show my love for animals, and Seven Pounds is what I want to lose before Christmas!”
“If you wanted to really impress a man, what would you do and why?” She answered: “I would do something really thoughtful for him like create a piece of art or some sort of craft. I think spending time and effort on someone else goes a long way.”
You know what else goes a long way? Giving a guy a gift that was professionally made, not a finger-painting of Will Smith from Seven Pounds. (Side burn Seven Pounds).
She’ll be the one that… No one remembers this time next year.
St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
I need to see Jami and Amber in the same room to confirm that they aren’t the same person. I bet she walks into the mansion when Amber goes outside for an interview, and then they won’t let Amber back inside because they swear that she’s already in the house.
“How would you describe yourself as a lover?” She answered: “Inexperienced.”
The only answer that could be sadder would be no answer at all, but just sitting there in silence until they asked another question.
She’ll be the one that… Ben H calls Amber.
Small Business Owner
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Let’s play the game show that’s sweeping the nation, “How Many Questions Does it Take to Sound Your Sluttiest?”
“If you could be any animal, which one and why?” She answered: “Dolphin! They are beautiful, intelligent and are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure!”
Ding-dingd-ding! What do we have for her, Johnny? A new car!
Now onto the bonus round… Can she do it again?
“If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law and why?” She answered: “Tan nude at the beach!”
Wow! A new world record!
*confetti falls from the ceiling*
She’ll be the one that… Breathes into Ben H’s ear when she steps out of the limo on opening night.
Boca Raton, FL
She’ll be the one that… Has a deeper voice than Ben H.
She’ll also be the one that… Has the most boring bio. Chalk up another win for accountants!
Real Estate Developer
If I was calling the shots, I would cut her by saying, “Get out (leave), right now, it’s the end of you and me. It’s too late (now), and I can’t wait, for you to be gone.”
I wish that I had to google the lyrics for that, but I pulled those from the old memory bank!
“Lunch with three people, alive or dead, and what would you order?” She answered: “My grandfather who passed, Ellen DeGeneres, and Jesus. PIZZA! And wine.”
I think Ellen turns down that invite.
She’ll be the one that… Ben H cuts before she meets his parents because he doesn’t want to introduce a “JoJo” to his family.
Fort Lauderdale, FL
I’m not sure War Veteran is an occupation when you are 24 years old, but thank you for your service, Jubilee.
“Are you a little bit country or more of a city person?” She answered: “Aaannnd there it is… lol. I am both! I loved in Montana for 5 years and loved it, but I also love the smells, places, and people that belong to a city.”
She answered that as if she gets asked that all the time. She answered as if she is a Kardashian and someone is asking about Caitlyn Jenner.
She’ll be the one that… 100% makes it past the first night, but gets sent home in 3-5 weeks and never gets a one-on-one..
Real Estate Agent
“What is your most embarrassing moment?” She answered: “When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it.”
That’s why you walk down the hall of your apartment complex, take the elevator to the ground floor, walk into the gym and make sure no one is there, and then use the gym’s bathroom… or something like that with less specifics.
She’ll be the one that… Was conceived, born, named, and raised in the back of a strip club.
I bet she tells everyone to not say that she looks like Emma Stone before anyone even says anything about it.
“Girls, let me just put this out there because I know it’s going to come up. Yes, I look just like Emma Stone, and yes, I get that all the time.”
“But you don’t look like-“
“Let’s just not get into how much I look like Emma Stone, ok?”
“Yeah, I was just saying that you actually don’t look—“
“Girls, please. Let’s just change the subject. I’m not actually her, I’m a different person. Now can we please go on with our lives?”
“What are 5 things you can’t live without?” She answered: “Family, friends, key lime pie, sunscreen and Pinot Noir.”
That sounds like something you’d see on the back of a tank top at a trashy beach bar in Destin.
She’ll be the one that… Doesn’t get enough one-on-one time with Ben H on opening night and gets sent home. (or at least that’s her story)
I like a good nickname involving initials. I’m into LB, and I’m having a hard time finding ways to make fun of her.
Favorite movie: Love & Basketball. Solid.
If you could break any law?: “Speeding; I’m always late.” Yep, me too.
Cold or Hot Weather?: “Hot! I’m always cold.” I’m typing this while wearing a sweatshirt indoors where it’s 70 degrees.
LB, you are this season’s unburnable! See you at the premier!
She’ll be the one that… Is the next Bachelorette.
Marina Del Ray, CA
I can’t wait until they show a video of her on opening night saying, “Attention all passengers, we are now making our descent into a life of love and happiness.”
She will come out of the limo and put a yellow life jacket around her neck.
Either way, when Ben H cuts her he should say, “And the exits are (pointing at doors) here, here and here.”
She’ll be the one that… Gets extremely clingy with Ben H, and is always stealing him away for a second.
Ann Arbor, MI
She looks like she enjoys a good cry, and then laughs her way out of it at the end.
“If you could go anywhere in the U.S., where would you go and why?” She answered: “California, because that’s where The Bachelor mansion is.”
You know you’re from a small town when you say California and not a specific city in California. That’s like someone saying they are going to New York and then asking them, “New York City?” “Nah, heading up to Syracuse for a long weekend.” I’m guessing that she’ll spend $400-$500 in the Hudson News when she lands at LAX the first time.
She’ll be the one that… Silently cries in the background when Chris comes in to give them a date card.
She seems like someone who smiles too much. Don’t you hate that? I actually prefer chronic bitch-face – I find it attractive.
“Lunch with three people, dead or alive, and what would you order?” She answered: “Jesus, Michelangelo (just saw many of his paintings in Rome… what a talented weirdo), and Justin Timberlake. I’d order pizza.”
If that lunch took place anywhere between Nashville and Memphis the waiter would walk up to that table and be like, “Omg, it’s Justin Timberlake!”
She’ll be the one that… Smiles so big when Ben H let’s her go on a one-on-one, and even when she realizes what is happening she won’t be able to change expressions.
“What are the top 3 things on your bucket list?” She answered: “Go to Greece, meet the man of my dreams, and fly on a helicopter and/or skydive!”
Looks like Leah signed up for the right show! Side note – I bet at least one of her social media accounts is @LooksLikeLeah.
“Tattoos?” She answered: “2 doves on the back of my calves that I’m having laser removal on.”
Who else had 2 doves on her limbs in the past? Kaitlyn. Foreshadowing?? We’ll see!
She’ll be the one that… Constantly reminds Ben H that they live in the same city.
Maegan is now 30 years old, but she was 45 when she started getting work done. Also, her bio reads like someone who got lost looking for a Duck Dynasty book signing.
“If you wanted to approach a man, how would you go about it?” She answered: “Shoot, I do this all the time! It’s called you walk and ask the guy a question. It’s not rocket science. PS – Ass grabbing always works great!”
Women like Maegan are why I’m going to start carrying pepper spray.
She’ll be the one that… Gets drunk on the first night, ends up in the pool, and then goes home with one less cowboy boot than she came with.
Mandi was voted most realistic-looking wax figure at Madame Tussauds. I hope they don’t have the fire place on during the first cocktail party.
“What would an ex say are your three worst attributes?” She answered: “Have a tendency to drink too much, independent – do what I want, opinionated.”
That story again: Mandi is a mean drunk. Why would you tell the truth with that answer? The easiest out is saying, “That I’m too loyal, that I think about others’ needs too much, and I’m just too perfect.”
She’ll be the one that… Cowgirl Maegan gets to take shots with her on the first night, but she won’t get into the pool because a wax manikin would just sink to the bottom.
Breaking news! This just in: Olivia has a boring bio. Back to you, Tom. I’m looking forward to her fake-interviewing Ben H when she gets out of the limo.
“I’m here live with the cutest guy in the world. What’s your name sir?”
“If you could be a fictional character, who would you be?” She answered: “Katniss Everdeen.”
Why would you knowingly choose to be someone that ends up with Peeta’s sorry ass? Katniss would’ve been way better off without him, but noooo, she had to drag him around for 2 good movies and then put up with his BS for 2 boring movies. Also, in what world would Jennifer Lawrence choose Peeta over that Hemsworth guy? Who did the casting, and are they fired?
Anyway, she’ll be the one that… Shows up back at the news station in 2 months to find out that her job has been taken.
Little Rock, AR
Rachel may be the only girl who listed unemployed on her application, but she’ll be in good company with the other girls. Hopefully she can score some great LinkedIn connections.
“What is the longest relationship you have been in and why didn’t it work out?” She answered: “Year and a half… The guys was more interested in his friends and being popular than he was me.”
Sounds like Rachel needs to stop dating guys in high school.
She’ll be the one that… Has the most student debt.
New Smyrna Beach, FL
Samantha will have the deepest voice on the show, and she’ll refer to everyone by saying, “Hey, gang.”
“What’s your biggest date fear?” She answered: “Being on a date with someone whom you do not feel a connection with and there is awkward silence.”
Isn’t that every date? My biggest date fear is that the waiter thinks that my gluten-free order is just a lifestyle choice and not due to me having Celiac. A little awkward silence won’t ruin your whole weekend!
She’ll be the one that… Claims she’s not interested in Ben H as he is letting her go home mid-episode.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Ugh, just another Mathematician strolling into the house. I thought Mathematicians didn’t exist anymore. Have we not solved all of the math problems yet? Her limo entrance will involved a Math problem where 2 become 1.
I hope she has a nickname. Possible frontrunners: Shu, Shan, Shushi, Nerd.
She’ll be the one that… Goes really, really far.
What would a Bachelor season be without a Tiara… and what the hell is a Chicken Enthusiast? Just say unemployed, or just say you murdered everyone at the Costco you worked at, so they are shutting the store down. Both are better than Chicken Enthusiast.
“What is your guiltiest pleasure of any kind?” She answered: “Chickens. If I see chickens anywhere, I want to stop and hold them.”
I’m pretty sure the feeling is not mutual, Tiara. It sounds more like a one-way street. I look forward to flipping channels in 2018 and finding Tiara on The People’s Court.
She’ll be the one that… Does the chicken dance at some point during the show.