Disclaimer: I watched the show immediately after my favorite hockey team suffered a brutal loss. All comments and analogies will most likely reflect how upset I was at the time. I’m still upset, for what it’s worth. But hey, you know the old saying – it’s better to let a sporting event ruin your day/week/month than to put it in perspective with the grand scheme of life! On top of that, halfway through writing this recap I knocked over a 24oz tumbler of coffee off of my desk and directly into my workbag. So just keep that in mind when you feel like I may have crossed the line.
(Am I the only person in America who TiVo’d the Bachelorette to watch after the Stanley Cup Final?)
(Am I the only person on earth still saying TiVo when referring to any television recording? I don’t know why I do that – I never even owned an actual TiVo.)
Let’s get to it…
Last night I watched the Blackhawks lose at home to the Lightning in a gut-wrenching way, and the Bachelorette was still the worst thing I watched on TV last night (last hockey reference, I hope).
Then I had trouble falling asleep so I watched a little bit of Blackfish – a documentary about animal cruelty – and the Bachelorette was still the worst thing I watched last night.
What’s the deal with this season?
In a few years we are all going to be saying, “Hey, remember when they used to have rose ceremonies at the end of episodes?” Or maybe, “Hey, remember when they used to have rose ceremonies just in general?” and our friend will say, “Dude, I stopped watching the Bachelor when Jennifer and I broke up.” Then we’ll say, “Oh man, I’m sorry to bring that up. How have you been since then? Do you still keep in touch with her at all?” And he’ll say, “It was hard early on, but I think we are both in a better place now because we are learning how to be more independent, which has made each of us better people and more suited for if/when that next person comes along.” But then you’ll have to tell him that Jennifer has been dating one of your best friends for about 8 months and they’re getting engaged in a few weeks, and the look on his face will remind you of Tilikum, the orca from Blackfish.
Anyway (clears throat), this season hasn’t been very enjoyable. Before we talk about last night’s episode and the return of Nick, we need to answer an important question…
How’d we get here?
We started with two Bachelorettes on their journey to find love, and some producer (who deserves a raise) decided to have the limo pull up to both Britt and Kaitlyn who were standing ten yards apart, forcing the guys to choose one person to talk to first.
One guy went with the Switzerland move and went for a church-camp group hug to not show any favorites, while another guy walked up to Kaitlyn and told her that he wants it to be her – both are decent moves, especially when having to think quickly. What I would’ve done is walk up to Kaitlyn first and whisper, “I want it to be you,” and then walk up to Britt and whisper again, “I want it to be you.” You’re set either way.
The 2016 Presidential Election is heating up and every Republican hopeful can’t give a straight answer about if they still would’ve invaded Iraq knowing what we know now – looking at you, Jeb and Marco – but our country’s biggest issue on May 18th was who was pro-Britt and who was pro-Kaitlyn.
On night one we met Tony the Healer who said, “The further I drift away in my mind, the closer I get to where I want to be.” That place he wants to be is definitely not in a sumo wrestling ring, but more on that later. We also met an exotic dancer turned law school student turned law school graduate turned exotic dancer. But the gentleman who stole the show on night one was Drunk Guy, who I will capitalize as a proper noun in lieu of just easily looking his name up on ABC.com.
Drunk Guy got, well, really drunk – but that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the way that the rest of the guys acted like they had never seen a drunk guy in general, and then several of the guys tried to have like real, man-to-man conversations with him about his drunken behavior. Listen, I’ve been drunk guy before, I mean we all have, right? (I’m hoping you just nodded yes). The dumbest thing you can do is try to rationalize with a drunk guy. If I was drunk guy at a bar and some guy came up to me and said, “Hey, can we talk for a second?” I would probably just mockingly say, “I don’t know, can we?” and then take his hat right off of his head and put it on a stranger’s head. You don’t ever try to have a real conversation with drunk guy about his drunk guy behaviors until you’re at Waffle House the next morning/afternoon… most likely late afternoon.
I know that probably seems like I’m spending too much time on something that everyone already forgot about from night one, and now that I think of it, you’re right.
Anyway, at the beginning of night two world-renowned author, Chris Harrison, pulled both Britt and Kaitlyn aside to break the news to them in the most little league awards banquet way ever. Remember the way your youth soccer coach would present the postseason awards? “Now this person was a hard worker, always had a great attitude at practice, and even though he/she may not have scored the most goals they were still a big part of our success this year…” Dude, just say who it is. You and this creepy assistant coach who isn’t related to anyone on the team are the only ones enjoying the suspense.
Chris Harrison used a similar rendition of that old trick: “Kaitlyn, the men have decided who the Bachelorette will be for this season, and unfortunately… they chose you! Oh, the look on your face. I got you so good!” I bet Chris was also that a-hole guy in his friend group who wouldn’t stop the car all the way when he was picking someone up. Free tip: there is nothing less funny on this planet than when someone does that. I think that is one of the biggest issues in America that no one has the guts to talk about – that, or everyone else just thinks it’s sooooo funny watching someone struggle to get into a moving car. Don’t be that guy.
Despite what they said on the show, I don’t think the vote was close. At best I bet it was 20-5 Kaitlyn, and thank goodness it was her and not Britt. We got a taste of what the show would be like with Britt during that first night, and I think her season would feature A) a lot of tears, and B) a lot of her falling in love with every guy who was nice to her. She probably falls in love with the cashier at the In-N-Out drive thru: “Alright ma’am, have a nice day.” “Omg, sir… you have no idea how much that means to me. It’s not everyday that I meet a guy who is kind and just gets me like you do.”
Britt also told Chris that she didn’t see that coming at all. Really, Britt? You didn’t think that it was a possibility that they didn’t pick you in what was a 50/50 chance? She probably hates football because she gets totally blindsided by the opening coin flip.
Alright, enough about her. The guys picked Kaitlyn, and then Kaitlyn picked some guys. Coming out of the first night my greatest hope for this season was that the winner was someone who picked Britt, so we’ll have to stay tuned for that one.
Week two brought us a group date that should be mandatory for every season to follow: boxing. The first five minutes of the boxing group date was better than the entire Mayweather v Pacquiao fight. We had macho man Ben Z just destroying everyone in his path. Ben Z hit Jared so hard that he finally decided to shave off his creepy-assistant-youth-soccer-coach-who-isn’t-related-to-anyone-on-the-team facial hair… so that was a win for Jared.
Then we had underwater photography with Clint, who would’ve been better off from a PR perspective if he just stayed in that pool the rest of the season – more to come on him. On top of Clint we had JJ (I guess I could just end the sentence here…) who revealed himself as the grandest d-bag of them all. JJ seems like a guy who would search himself on Twitter, find a tweet about him that wasn’t a direct @mention, and then respond to it with a five-tweet rant.
But on top of all of that, we had the Kupah situation. What’s important to remember about Kupah is that he listed his three favorite artists as DMX, Eminem, and David Guetta. Now take a second and let that sink it…
Ok, so Kupah brought to light a great move for when someone is trying to breakup with you – you not only say no to it (which is a strong move on it’s own), but you say, “But imagine how cool our love story would be after this!” That’s about as likely to happen as Ant Man is to get above 20% on Rotten Tomatoes.
The show dragged on and on with this Kupah storyline for reasons that I can’t explain. No one cared (or still cares) about Kupah, especially when there are still 20 guys around. Sure, if he flips out like that when it’s down to the final four then go ahead and show it, but don’t spend 20 minutes on it, and definitely don’t turn it into a “To Be Continued.” That episode wasn’t a good look for Kupah, so he’ll have some explaining to do at the weekly Tuesday morning breakfast for entrepreneurs who only have one thing on their calendar all week: that breakfast.
Can I get an Amen?
The feature players from week three: sumo wrestling, Tony, sex education, a date that is a metaphor for love, and Clint and JJ.
As far as Tony is concerned, I felt like he would’ve left no matter what the group date was. His Bachelorette clock had expired, and I don’t blame him – I wouldn’t want to be stuck in the house with those dudes for more than a weekend.
Had the date been fly-fishing…
Tony: “I don’t see why we must stand in the middle of this stream, restricting the natural flow of the water that this earth needs to maintain it’s balance, all while piercing and innocent fish through the lip, when we know that, as humans, our lips are the great mediator between us and the rest of civilization. I’m out!”
Had the date been sky diving…
Tony: “Jumping out of an airplane just reflects the way that us humans treat the world – we think it’s ours and we can do with it what we please, when really this spinning globe is more than that – it’s a common ground, a shared experience we have with the rest of civilization. I’m out!”
Or, had the date been just dinner…
Tony: “Must we just repeat this dull cycle of eating and digesting, eating and digesting, eating and digesting? We should be out eating and digesting the figurative fruits that this planet has agreed to offer to us, no different than a peace offering… not until then will we have a truer understanding of ourselves and the ones we are meant to be united with. I’ll have the New York Strip in a to-go box please, because I’m out!”
After that, the next group date finally answered the question of, “How can I feel more like a piece of sh*t while watching this show?” Answer: the fellas teaching sex education to 5th graders! Thank goodness they were child actors? I don’t know. I don’t know why they all acted so strange about it – they would’ve had a much more difficult time teaching math.
Then later (or before, the timeline doesn’t really matter), Chris Harrison set up a group date for Ben Z and Kaitlyn to either a haunted house, or just the house living room of the creepy youth soccer coach who isn’t related to anyone on the team. But of course a haunted house isn’t just a spooky building, it’s a metaphor for love and relationships – or whatever Chris used to set it up.
Chris Harrison describing a fly-fishing date…
“Fellas, Kaitlyn, welcome to Bachelorette falls. Today we will be fly-fishing, but it’s about more than that. In the same way that each cast hopes to end with reeling in a fish, each time you cast your heart you hope to reel in the love of your life. So don’t forget who you are truly trying to catch today.”
Chris Harrison describing a sky-diving date…
“Sure it may seem like we are just jumping out of planes, but it’s about a lot more than that. Today is about trust. Just like you trust that sweaty man that is attached to your back during the jump who is totally in charge of whether you live or die, you also trust your partner when you jump out of the airplane of insecurity and into the free air of love. Don’t forget where you are truly trying to land today.”
Chris Harrison describing a dinner date…
“Tonight, dinner is served, but it’s about a lot more than that. In the same way that this physical food (that no one ever takes a bit of on the show) nourishes your body, so does the conversation you’ll have with the one you love. Savor it, explore it, let it replenish you. Don’t forget what the real main course is here tonight: Kaitlyn’s heart.
And now for the part that everyone is just going to scroll down to anyway…
Last Night’s Episode
Not only did we not have a rose ceremony at the beginning or the end, but we also added a guy? They started doing this “To be Continued” garbage during Farmer Chris’ season, but that was for good reason because there was a lot going on.
Last night we took a trip to NYC, or as Ben Z referred to it as, “A place I could see myself falling in love.” Barf. They had a week in NYC with what I’m guessing is an unlimited budget, so they went to some terrible nightclub for a rap battle and then hung out on a boat that was probably owned by some casino bigwig from Jersey. I mean they didn’t even leave Times Square! And I know, Jared and Kaitlyn went to The Met, which is on the Upper East, but still…
I love how every year they bring out some artist like Big & Rich or Doug E. Fresh, and every guy pretends that they were like the BIGGEST fans of them. Next season I want them to totally make someone up:
“On this group date each one of you are going to have to write me a love song, but I brought you a little help. Please welcome one of the greatest songwriters this world has ever seen, George Glass!”
“Oh man, I grew up on George Glass’ music. All through middle school and high school all I listened to were George Glass albums. This is a dream come true, to actually be writing a song alongside my hero!”
The rap battle last night was worse than I thought it was going to be. It was the biggest disservice to rap since Iggy Azalea’s last album (side burn on I-G-G-Y). But sitting in the back of the room was last night’s biggest storyline: the return of Nick. Also featured in the back of the room: Sharleen the opera singer, and Ashley I from last season. I’m guessing that Ashley I just finished scraping off her makeup from the After the Final Rose show last winter to make it to the rap battle in time.
Even if you didn’t see the season previews where we knew that Nick was coming back, you still knew that she was for sure going to let him come on the show. She was on cloud nine. Apparently their only communication was through Twitter, which I can only assume was the main goal for the founders of Twitter: “If only there was a way that Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants who were on different seasons could communicate. Something that would be like a text message but more public where everyone could see it so that it can still feed their ego… hmm.”
For someone who later in the episode “starred on Broadway” aka walked out on stage and smiled for a second, she sure did a poor job of acting like she was torn about the Nick situation. She was practically levitating while telling him, “I don’t know how I feel about this.”
So class, who do you go to when you need some good, down-to-earth advice?
People and things who I would rather get advice from: Juan Pablo, the blow dryer that Ashley S was holding, Siri, Doug E. Fresh, Masa Verde, Neil Lane, a Niel Lane diamond, any contestant whose job title started with the word former, the mayor of Arlington, IA, Jade, the pantsapreneur, JJ, Clint… and the list goes on.
But no, Kaitlyn went straight to Ashley S for advice, and it did not disappoint. To summarize what exactly she said: you shouldn’t let him back on because he had his chance but you should definitely let him back on so that you can explore your feelings for him.
Of course all of the guys were not happy with this news, especially Mr. if-you’re-a bird-I’m-a-bird Shawn, who couldn’t be trying harder to look like Ryan Gosling. It’s like he watched Crazy Stupid Love over and over and just fast-forwarded to the part with the Gosling’s fashion tips.
Do the guys have a right to be angry? Sure, but not too much. Let’s remember this: there are 14 guys left, and that’s not including Nick. 14! Does it really matter if they add one more? They all act like they are dating their girlfriend of three years and she decided to bring another guy along. The girl they “could see themselves falling for” is already dating 13 guys.
“Now listen, Kaitlyn, I was cool with you running around NYC with 13 other guys – it was only fair that you do that. But 14 is where I draw the line. That’s just too many guys at once.”
Also, she only really likes three or four of them as it is, so the core group there should be the only ones upset. I guess the problem is that they all think they are part of the inner circle.
Where do we go from here?
I hope Nick makes it really far. The longer he is around the better the show will be, or at least that’s my hope. I haven’t written anything about this season so far because I haven’t really cared about it. Oh wait, unless that means that I really care about the other seasons that I have written about. Uh, well, I promise I have other interests in life.
This season, especially last night, has felt like I’m watching the show in real time. They used to squeeze three dates and a rose ceremony into an hour of television. Imagine that! Now we have two hours of Kaitlyn wondering around wondering if she should let a guy come back on the show or if she should just make out with him and then tell him no, and no rose ceremony.
I have hope for the rest of the season. It may not be grounded in anything, but it’s hope nonetheless. Judging off the previews, things are about to heat up in a major way.