The Bachelorette 2015: Bio Breakdown

bachelorette2

This past Monday I felt an emptiness in my life. I knew it had nothing to do with my work or my personal life or not pursuing my dreams or anything like that, so I googled “the bachelorette 2015 start date,” and to my delight I found that it starts this coming Monday, May 18th!

The natural next step was to look for the bios. I had a cold sweat when I thought that I missed the bio release, but then when looking on ABC’s page I couldn’t find any bios except for Britt, Kaitlyn, and author of The Perfect Letter, Chris Harrison.

They were nowhere to be found. I then tweeted at the before-mentioned author — which my sister classified as a new low for me — asking when the bios would release. He then tweeted that they were coming out today (Monday).

Suddenly I felt that emptiness slowly creeping away. It’s almost like The Bachelor(ette) coming back on TV and giving me something to deflect my own personal complaints so I can make fun of reality show contestants really started to make me feel better. Funny how that works, huh?

As I’m sure most of you know, there is a new twist this year. We will have two Bachelorettes, Kaitlyn and Britt, and on night one the men will choose who they want. Then the leading vote getter will be the Bachelorette, and the other will leave sobbing in a limo. I’m sure this will go over super well — I can’t see a scenario where this possibly goes poorly. While I am against spoilers, I know which one they pick so I don’t want to talk more about that.

So without further adieu (or ado — I don’t feel like figuring out which one is correct) let’s get on to the bios. I list each man’s name, age, vocation, and hometown. I then pulled a question from each of their bio’s (represented in bold below).

Happy trashy summer television season to all!

See you next week for a recap of the premier.

 

Ben H

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben H
26
Software Salesman
Denver, CO

I get the vibe that he’ll wear a lot of hipster neon snapback flatbills backwards this season. This guy’s facebook profile picture is surely himself as a silhouette on a cliff at sunset. I’d be willing to bet 500 of Chris Harrison’s books.

When asked… What does being married mean to you?
“It is a total sacrifice. Marriage is about commitment to another person and total sacrifice to fulfill that commitment.

Uhhhhh, this dude has been cheated on. A lot. I bet his answer was edited down from this original – “It is a total sacrifice, Jennifer! Marriage is about commitment, Karen, to another person, Beth; total sacrifice to fulfill that commitment, Michelle!!!”

Did I make everyone feel bad for Ben H? Lets try a different Ben.

Ben Z

Ben Z
26
Fitness Coach
San Jose, CA

Fitness Coach, aka gives unwanted advice to people at his local Crossfit. He looks like a pair of invisible hands are grabbing his cheeks and pulling hard towards the back of his head. (Just go with me on that one)

When asked… Biggest date fear:
“Falling for someone that doesn’t feel the same way.”

Guess what, Ben Z? That’s nearly 100% of all dates, not to mention the format of this show. That is exactly what happens to 24/25 of the contestants.

When asked… If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?
“My mom. I would take ay extra second I could get with her.”

Not going to make fun of that until I’m sure that she’s living and not terminally ill. But I won’t forget it, Ben Z. You’ll rue the day you answered that, Ben Z.

Ps—I’m super down on having to say and/or type the Z. Can he just be Ben?

Bradley

Bradley
25
International Auto Shipper
Atlanta, GA

D-bag alert, D-bag alert. This guy looks like a 7th generation member at some racist country club in Atlanta. He probably funded a Kickstarter to get Oklahoma’s Sig Ep back on campus.

I bet he has never had to physically open his own car door. He probably also had upwards of 4 butlers fired for something that he did and blamed them for. “Dad, I didn’t puke in the backseat of your Benz, it was Jeeves!”

When asked… Biggest date fear:
“Someone who can’t handle or understand my sarcasm.”

You know what it means when someone can’t handle your sarcasm? It means you’re an asshole. 9/10 when you leave a room thinking that people can’t handle “your brand of humor” that means you were just being an asshole. Trust me, I majored in that in college. I minored in asking my friends to take my clicker and sign in for me.

Brady

Brady
33

Guys (mostly girls, I know), are you sitting down? I need you to sit down and call your loved one(s) before I tell you his occupation and hometown.

Are you ready?

He’s a Singer-Songwriter living in Nashville, TN.

Mind… blown.

Now for an actually surprising fact – he has zero tattoos.

When asked… What is your greatest achievement to date?
“Inwardly, I’d say it’s the person I’ve become. Externally, I’d say persevering to create a sustainable indie music career that I’m absolutely passionate about.”

Inwardly, I rolled my eyes when I read the first word of his answer. Externally, I threw up on the ground when I read the rest. Only a singer-songwriter in Nashville would make that a two-part answer.

Chris

Chris
28
Dentist
Nashville, TN

I bet they took 100 headshots of him: 99 of those were with a popped collar. They lied and told them they needed one with his collar down “for internal use only,” and he flipped out when they used it.

When asked… Biggest date fear:
“The girl tries to eat my food.”

There’s a story about that, and I bet it ends with someone trying to eat his food.

Clint

Clint
27
Architectural Engineer
Chicago, IL

Have you ever seen anyone look more like a Clint?

Clint poses like half of my news feed on Facebook – the half that is a girl sticking her chest out while back to back with her best friend of that minute all while holding hands down at the bottom of a straight arm.

When asked… If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
“Chuck Norris, for obvious reasons.”

Hey Clint, quick follow-up question – if you could leave any year that your grasp of what is and isn’t cool is stuck in then what would it be?
“2006-2007.”

Corey

Corey
30
Investment Banker
New York, NY

When asked… Tattoos:
“Yes (they’re small)… Wait, did you say testicles or tattoos?”

(I made up the second half of that answer)

When asked… If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
“The ability to do everything I wanted without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness. I would be able to drink and eat whatever I wanted and stay up all night, but I’d still be able to be productive, read, learn new things, travel, study, create businesses, help people, and never grow tired.”

I can’t decide if he desperate for cocaine or if he took a huge hit right before that answer.

(long snort) I just wanna be able to go go go go go, and not stop, stopping is bad, stopping is for losers and quitters and I’m not a loser or a quitter because quitters are bad and they stop but I like to go go go go go go go go go go, money, money, money, money money…

 

Cory

Cory
35
Residential Developer
Pearland, TX

This guy is either A) already on HGTV, or B) will be as soon as he gets cut, which will probably be night one because none of his answers are longer than a sentence. He just has that HGTV look to him. Can’t you just see some newly-wed southern girl yelling at him about wanting a fireplace in every room in the house for all of those blustery cold Atlanta winters?

When asked… If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
“My younger self.”

Woah. He’s either really into himself or he’s full of regret – red flag central either way you slice it. He’ll be back in Pearland, TX sooner than later so he watch one of his ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES: Along Came Polly.

Daniel

Daniel
28
Fashion Designer
Nashville, TN

I bet this dude hand-makes jewelry – and every year for Christmas his whole family has to fake a smile and say, “Oh wow, another twine necklace… Thaaaaanks, Dan. I’ll totally wear it all the time…”

When asked… What’s the most romantic present you have ever received?
“Support and love. Buying stuff is easy.”

Barf.

David

David
26
Real Estate Agent
Orlando, FL

David is our early leader for the Most Boring Profile award. The only thing remotely interesting is that he isn’t a white dude from Nashville.

When asked… Biggest date fear:
“Bumping into an ex that makes a big scene.”

He has either seen a bunch of movies or he has some crazy ex’s. My guess is the first one.

Ian

Ian
28
Executive Recruiter
Los Angeles, CA

If you were wondering what someone would look like whose favorite all-time movie is Limitless…. Then here you go! I didn’t know this type of person existed. I thought movie theater employees were told to murder everyone who left that movie saying, “Hey, I kinda liked it.” I guess he beat the system.

When asked… Who do you admire most in the world?
“Richard Branson – dude does everything.”

Thanks a lot, Ian, for making me google Richard Branson and then spending about 15 minutes reading his bio.

Jared

Jared
26
Restaurant Manager
Warwick, RI

Jared totally watches people sleep. I bet upwards of 35 people in Rhode Island have woken up to see that face peering through their bedroom window.

That deadeye stare is killing me. Stop looking at us, Jared!

He looks like the kind of person that would be interviewed on the news after 5 kids went missing from a summer camp. “Five kids went missing from camp? Hmm, that’s odd…”

When asked… What is your greatest achievement to date?
“For the past six years, I’ve been a volunteer at a week-long summer camp for children with cancer.”

Moving on!

JJ

JJ
32
Former Investment Banker
Denver, CO

Never met a JJ I liked.

(Quick scan through mental rolodex)

Yep, never met a JJ I liked. Also, here’s our first bachelor with a job title that starts with “former.” Warning: guys with a job title that starts with former have done very well in the past.

However… HOWEVER…

When asked… What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?
“I won $20,000 betting on college football and won on an onside kick.”

What a bro. By the way, I bet that answer went on for another 20 minutes in great detail. “Ok, so I’m out in Vegas with Skeeter and Branson for Tate’s bachelor party, and it’s the weekend of the whatever college I went to versus the team we hate…”

This dude’s bio is pretty solid. I would guess that he goes far.

Joe

Joe
28
Insurance Agent
Columbia, KY

I bet this guy has a lisp. I hope his last name is Mississippi. Actually, that would be a badass name.

When asked… What is your greatest achievement to date?
“Being able to donate money to my sister’s mission trip this past summer.”

Really? That’s your greatest achievement? Kaitlyn, or whichever girl they pick, is cutting this guy the first chance she gets.

Jonathan

Jonathan
33
Automotive Spokesman
Detroit, MI

Hmm… something is different about Jonathan, but I just can’t put my finger on it.

I know this isn’t what his job means, but a part of me wants Automotive Spokesman to mean he is a car whisperer. He goes to car auctions and speaks on behalf of the car. “This 2009 Mustang wants to go to a young professional – (leans down and puts his ear on the hood of the car) – he’s telling me his last owner was a reckless high school student – (leans down one more time) – he also prefers to be hand-washed and not just dragged through the car wash at your local Shell.”

When asked… How far do you think you will make it?
“Well obviously past the first night, but I definitely won’t crack the top 7 or 8.”

When asked… Do you think you will earn a one-on-one date?
“Of course not.”

Ok, fine. Those questions weren’t on his bio, but that doesn’t mean that they weren’t asked!

Josh

Josh
27
Law Student/Exotic Dancer
Chicago, IL

When he audibly laughs it sounds like “he-he-he-he” and then he tries to hide his head like a turtle.

Ok, onto the main course. He’s a law student slash exotic dancer, so he’s a character on 1/5 Law & Order SVU episodes. However, here’s where it gets confusing…

When asked… What is your greatest accomplishment to date?
“Graduating from law school.”

So if we do our math correctly…

1 Law Student/Exotic Dancer minus “graduating from law school” = 1 Exotic dancer.

Also, when asked… Biggest date fear:
“She will have bad breath.”

That’s the least of your concerns, Josh. Your biggest date fear should range somewhere between “she finds out about my occupation” to “she suddenly realizes that she recognized me from somewhere.”

Joshua2

Joshua
31
Industrial Welder
Kuna, ID

He’s the only Industrial Welder on earth who owns that shirt. Also, he’s the only person in Idaho who owns that shirt.

When asked… If you could be any superhero, which on would you be?
“The Invisible Man – what guy wouldn’t want to be in a room full of women to listen to them talk to try to understand them better.”

Good luck trying to get that to hold up in court. “Your Honor, I swear that I snuck into the women’s bathroom to just listen to them talk. I just wanted to understand women better, not to see them changing or anything…” Nice try, perv.

Justin

Justin
28
Fitness Trainer
Naperville, IL

If you were still wondering what someone would look like whose name isn’t Ian but their all-time favorite movie is still Limitless… then here you go again!

I bet Justin’s profile picture on facebook is a “candid” shot of him laughing.

When asked… “If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
“Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.”

You know who someone from a less privileged country would want to be? Anyone else, any time, anywhere.

Kupah

Kupah
32
Entrepreneur
Boston, MA

We can only assume his name is actually Cooper. Zing, Boston-accent joke!

When asked… Favorite musical artists:
“Eminem, DMX, David Guetta.”

Shout out to DMX!

Stop, drop, shut ‘em down open up shop
Oh, no
That’s how Ruff Ryders roll.

I hope that’s his text ringtone and that it goes off constantly in the background.

Ryan B

Ryan B
32
Realtor
Wellington, FL

He looks like a realtor on HGTV that would wear a nice button down but with board shorts and flip-flops just because the episode happens to be near the ocean. The kind of outfit that says, “Hey, I’m a serious business person, but I’m also a douchebag.”

When asked… What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
“Rode my bike from Florida to California for a dog rescue. Then when we got there the dog was half-eaten by vultures because he had been dead for three weeks, but we could’ve saved his life had I just chose an airplane instead of my 6-speed.”

I made that second part up, but this is real…

When asked… What’s your most embarrassing moment?
“Meant to send a pic to my girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it.”

I think he could flip-flop those answers and they would make more sense.

Ryan M

Ryan M
28
Junkyard Specialist
Kansas City, MO

He looks like a firefighter. He should be the guy in the house that compares everything to being a firefighter. “I like having a good time in the house with the fellas, it’s so similar to my days at the firehouse.” Or, “I’m a great cook, I’m used to cooking for the fellas at the firehouse.” But he’s a junkyard specialist, whatever the hell that is.

When asked… Biggest date fear:
“The person being terrible.”

Welp, tough to argue with that one.

Shawn B

Shawn B
28
Personal Trainer
Windsor Locks, CT

He looks like the kind of guy who posts a ton of instagrams – sunsets 5-days of the week, an empty park bench, an overpass with graffiti on it – you name it, he’s posted it.

When asked… What is your greatest achievement?
“Owning an 1888 farm house and completely fixing/rehabbing it with my father.”

Ohhh the Instagrams he probably posted during that rehab…

When asked… If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
“My dog…”

Over/under 300 Instagrams of his dog in 2014? I’d take the over. Man, I hate the version of this guy that I made up in my head.

Shawn E

Shawn E
31
Amateur Sex Coach
Ontario, Canada

That necklace! That smile! That head tilt! That job title! Where to start?

I bet he is required by law to say “amateur” before saying sex coach. He probably has a script written by the police that he has to read before any coaching.

You know another title for Amateur Sex Coach? Professional Pervert.

Also, he’s only 5’11”. He looks 6’7”, 275 lbs.

When asked… Favorite holiday:
“Valentine’s Day.”

Shocker.

Tanner

Tanner
28
Auto Finance Manager
Kansas City, MO

I’ve never seen anyone look more like a Tanner. I’d be surprised if this guy didn’t try out for a few MLS development teams – I’m getting a major low-level soccer vibe from him.

When asked… I hate it when my date:
“Can’t hold a conversation or gets sloppy drunk.”

They’re mutually exclusive.

Tony

Tony
35
Healer
St. Louis, MO

That story again: Tony is not a doctor… he’s a healer. I bet he has given thousands of unwarranted backrubs, followed with a deep whispery, “Hey, how’s Jeremy doing (or insert your own name).”

When asked… If you could be any superhero, which on would you be?
“Tony Stark/Iron Man – he is humble yet arrogant, fights crime, and is hella rich.”

Free advice: don’t be friends with anyone who has ever used the phrase “hella” in any context.

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Posted on by Jeremy Wilson in Entertainment, Featured, Misc. TV, Reality Check, Television, TV Reviews

One Response to The Bachelorette 2015: Bio Breakdown

  1. Peggy Young

    Should be either a hit or a miss.

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