Editors note: The three hottest stories coming out of the Nashville area. These stories have been hand-selected due to the importance of the community. This is absolutely not a spinoff of The Onion — the only similarities are the general story ideas, the way they are written, and the format.
Unemployed Area Man Attends SI Swimsuit Fan Fest for Networking Purposes Only, He Swears
Will Lyles had recently lost his job at Corky’s BBQ in Brentwood. When hearing that Sports Illustrated had chosen Nashville as one of its two locations to hold the SI Swimsuit Fan Fest, he decided to change his routine and take matters into his own hands.
“Typically Wednesdays are my ‘me days,’” Lyles mumbled, as this phone interview on Thursday at 11am clearly woke him up. “However, I saw a great opportunity to network and really get my name out there.”
A Sports Illustrated subscriber since late 2003, Lyles knew that each February meant a very special issue of the famous sports magazine.
“I’m very, very, very aware of what month a certain issue of Sports Illustrated comes out,” stated Lyles, who said very three too many times.
Just weeks earlier, Lyles had visited two different doctors’ offices in Nashville, noticing that both had copies of older issues of Sports Illustrated scattered throughout the waiting room. After putting two and two together, he grabbed a stack of business cards and made his way down to the SI Swimsuit Fan Fest.
“I figured that if those doctors are subscribers to SI, then they’ll probably be down there,” lied Lyles. “And doctors are like super connected around town, right? So I’ll just try to network with those doctors, tell them that I’m looking for work, and then pass my business card to them.”
When asked if he would try to meet any of the swimsuit models, Lyles answered, “You know, I didn’t even think about that. I guess a lot of them will be down there too along with the well-connected doctors that I’m there to network with…”
After being asked a second time about trying to see any of the swimsuit models, Lyles made a fake static noise with his mouth, claimed he was losing service and then hung up.
Seven-year Friendship Ends Due to No “Photo Cred” Given on Instagram
“I’ve never felt so disrespected in my life,” whined Samantha Freeman, whose friends call her Sam.
This past weekend, temperatures reached the mid 60’s in Nashville, prompting many locals to charge their cell phones and update their Instagram app before heading to area parks. Sherry Mize, a volunteer at Sevier Park in the 12 South area, was prepared for a busy weekend at the park.
“As soon as we saw a 60-degree day heading our way in early February, we made sure to get the park Instagram-ready,” said Mize. “So we set up a few wrought iron fences, a couple of old rusted bike wheels with some missing spokes, and then of course we hung a large white sheet from a clothing line with the word ‘pow!’ written across it in a distressed font.”
When the early afternoon rolled around, Sam Freeman left lunch at Taqueria del Sol with her friend Brooke, who goes by Brookey. The two 26-year-olds had been friends since their freshman year of college. Brooke’s boyfriend was in town for the weekend, so the three of them headed for Sevier Park to document his weekend in Nashville.
“Unfortunately there was a 45-minute wait to get a picture in front of the sheet that said ‘pow!’ on it, so we had to find something else,” Sam said. “We decided to go take a picture in front of the ‘I Believe in Nashville’ wall because I had purchased a Groupon that let us skip the 2-hour long line, but then we got super lucky. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted this old rusty bike wheel that was missing a few spokes. It was so cool! Brooke and her boyfriend met at a spin class, so I offered to take their picture in front of it.”
A few hours and 6 filters later, Brooke posted the picture of her and her out-of-town boyfriend with the hashtags #LookWhoSurprisedMeThisWeekend #WhatWinter. Brooke had scheduled and purchased her boyfriend’s flight 3 months prior. But soon after posting the photo, figurative sh*t hit the figurative fan. Sam received zero “photo cred” for the photo that she herself took.
“I guess it’s the way that she just assumed that the person on the other side of the camera plays no role in the picture,” answered Sam when asked what irritated her the most about the post. “I mean I had just given her photo cred earlier that day, AND I freaking found that old rusty bike wheel that was missing a few spokes! Plus, there’s no telling what deep history that wheel has. It could’ve been Andrew Jackson’s!”
The two have since ended their friendship of seven years, according to Sam’s mother. Brooke, who is now engaged, felt compelled to still invite Sam to her wedding. When the invitation arrived, Sam read the envelope out loud: “From: Brooke. To: SamANTHA.”
2nd Amendment Security Closes East Nashville Location
The southern-based alarm company, 2nd Amendment Security, has closed the doors to its location in East Nashville, ending the 27-year stint in the neighborhood. This is already the third storefront of theirs to close in 2015. Rick Howard, the long-time manager of the East Nashville location, had some strong words for the neighborhood’s new residents.
“These damn hippies are going to learn their lesson one day!” yelled Rick, after we had only asked how he was doing. He continued, “Listen, what works better on a burglar: an alarm system that alerts the local police, or unloading an entire clip of a 9mm Smith & Wesson? You think some (expletive) noise blaring from a speaker is going to protect you and your family? You might as well just (too vulgar to quote).”
Unprompted, Rick added, “You know what? Ask any damn idiot who has tried to rob my house, ask them how it went. Oh wait, you can’t! They’re all six feet under! I know we both learned our lesson.”
What Rick Howard was referencing was when he shot and killed three different FedEx deliverymen from 1974-1976, resulting in 15 years in prison and the inspiration for the Lifetime Network original movie “The Flat-Rate Killer.” He was deemed “too racist, even for prison” and was released in 1988. Rick has managed the 2nd Amendment Security shop in East Nashville ever since.