Ain’t no party like a Bachelor party, cuz a Bachelor party is FIVE HOURS THIS WEEK.
Guys (girls), I can’t believe Farmer Chris and Jade sat there and watched her strip… I mean, how did it come to that? Ugh, but we’ll get to that later, anyway…
We have reached a point in this season where we need to start thinking of its historical significance. I feel like we are in the midst of a top five season of all time, right? Other notables would be Ben F’s season, Jake and Vienna’s season, and maybe Jason Mesnick’s. I guess you could throw in Brad’s first season where he didn’t pick a girl, too. What’s crazy is that those four seasons were almost one after the other – Brad screwed up the order, of course.
But they just sat there on that dorm room couch in that pay-by-the-hour hotel and thumbed through her Playboy photos! Come on, man. Last night must’ve been uncomfortable to watch for whoever (Whitney) he picked to win (most likely Whitney). I don’t want to get ahead of myself (but it really seems like he’s going to pick Whitney), so let’s save this for later (the part where I talk about how he picks Whitney despite her bitchy sister).
Anyway, I think we have to put this season in the top three as of now, with a chance to move up. The better the season, the harder it is to write about. All the entertainment is right there on your TV screen. What do you need me for? So with that, I’d like to say thanks for reading along this year, and I’ll catch you this coming summer when Kaitlin is the Bachelorette.
(Man, what happened to Kirsten Dunst? The last thing I remember was Wimbledon, a wildly underrated movie. “Peter, Peter Colt”)
Wait! There are a few things I would like to go over before I leave. If it’s ok with you, I’d like to recap the Chris Tell All, Sunday night’s episode, and then the hometowns. Is that cool? Oh, then next week I’ll write up a quick recap about the fantasy suite episode. After that I’ll just do a brief review of the Women Tell All, and I guess at that point I’ll go ahead and write something before and after the finale.
Hell, I guess I’ll just keep doing this. I just can’t quit you guys (girls)! And no, I don’t have anything else better to do, Mom.
Alright, let’s get back to it…
One more time: they just sat there, Jade and Farmer Chris, and looked at nude photos of her! By the way, maybe that’s not a bad strategy. Again, more on that later.
Chris Tell All
“This year’s award for the Most Unnecessary Hour of Television, with all due respect to Andi, goes to the Chris Tell All!”
Farmer Chris: “Wow, first off it’s just an honor to be mentioned in the same category as these other great wastes of television… A to Z, Meet the Smith’s, most of Rizolli and Isles, every episode of Fox’s Utopia, and the entire last season of How I Met Your Mother, excluding the first ¾’s of the series finale. They were all deserving, but while adding a fifth hour of The Bachelor this week definitely helped our chances, I think my boring personality added with my inability to comprehend sarcasm really put us over the top. Thanks, and I’m sure we’ll be back next year to defend our title.”
The Chris Tell All special was about as necessary as Facebook telling you ever morning, “Hey, remember that person from sophomore year in college that you did a group project with? No? Ok, well today is their birthday.”
Here’s how it went…
Chris Harrison: Kelsey, did you fake the panic attack?
Kelsey: Blah blah blah blah blah, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Chris Harrison: Tell me about the two-on-one.
Kelsey: Well, at first we blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, then she was all blah blah blah blah blah blah, then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Sanderson Poe.
Chris Harrison: Are you anxious to see the women again?
Kelsey: Um, no, because blah blah blah blah blah blah, Sanderson Poe, blah blah blah, it was a perfectly sunny day in Austin, blah blah blah, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Chris Harrison: About the two-on-one, why did you tell Kelsey what Ashley said?
Farmer Chris: Funny you ask, because blah blah blah, snoooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooze.
Chris Harrison: When did you first notice something was wrong with Ashley S?
Farmer Chris: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, blah blah, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Chris Harrison: Wow, great answer. Now let’s talk about Britt.
Farmer Chris: Ok, but first let me make a facial expression that clearly gives away the fact that she doesn’t win. (Makes face of sadness). Was that good? Did that make it obvious that she isn’t making it to hometowns? Great. So to answer your question, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, blah blah.
So, did Josh die? That’s the only acceptable reason for Andi’s, uhh, reaction. Good grief. A few things became clear during that interview:
1) Josh ended things with her.
2) Chris Harrison values good TV over caring for the person he is interviewing.
3) There were no tissues within 100 yards of that Frost Nixon setup.
4) The producers pumped in 85% of the crackling fire noise.
5) Andi could be The Bachelorette again, right? It’s not out of the question.
6) Josh definitely died sometime in the past two months.
7) If he didn’t die, then that was an awkward 20 minutes of television for him.
Sunday Night’s Episode
A few (too many) things worth pointing out before making fun of Arlington…
1) We lost Megan who hadn’t said a word to Farmer Chris since they were helicoptered down to the base of the Grand Canyon. No one cared that she left the show, except Whitney who said that she was trying not to cry. Don’t ask me how, but I was able to get my hands on list of things that Whitney thinks of to keep herself from crying: color-coordinated tabs in a three-ring binder, a world where you can Pin something just by blinking towards it, a calendar with each day planned out to the second, and a perfectly symmetrical fall leaf on top of perfectly symmetrical flannel that she can Pin just by blinking at it.
2) Britt is always touching someone. Always. If she lived in New York, a bum on the subway would wake up to find Britt pretzeled around him on an empty train. Maybe she has a rare condition where she can only go 30 seconds without physical contact with another human being. Grocery shopping must be hell for her having to hold the cashiers hand while he slides the items over the scanner.
2b) It’s unfortunate that Britt AND Kaitlyn’s luggage was accidentally swapped at the Santa Fe airport with one of Missy Elliott’s backup dancer’s.
3) Sticking with Britt – was she not aware of the format of the show? What a bummer that no one told her that there would be other girls there trying to date Farmer Chris. Her meltdown wasn’t great, but what made it worse was that it was in front of Carly and Kaitlin. That would be like going out to dinner with six or seven friends, and one of the couples getting into a really serious argument in front of everyone.
Not like a, “No babe, that’s not what road you take to get to Trader Joe’s from our house,” argument, but more like a, “You’re just like your father, and that’s why I don’t want a future with you until you figure out what you really want,” argument with Carly interrupting every 10 seconds asking if someone can pass the salt.
It was during that moment while Britt was digging her own grave that I realized why most girls I talk to about this show hated Britt. I almost said out loud, “Oh, so I do actually only like her because of her looks.” Sorry it took me 75% of the season to figure that out.
4) Kamikaze Carly knew she didn’t stand a chance, so she decided that she was just going to take Britt down with her. If Kamikaze Carly was Leo in Titanic, she would’ve pulled Kate Winslet’s ass off of that old wooden door (or whatever she was floating on) and into the depths of the ocean. There’s a cruise ship singer joke somewhere in there, but I just don’t feel like looking for it.
Also, Kamikaze Carly used the worst word that anyone can use on The Bachelor. It’s a four-letter word that begins with F.
You can call someone out for not being there for the right reasons, you can call someone a slut, a stripper, or a freelance journalist, but nothing stings quite like calling someone fake. Kamikaze Carly used the F-word on Britt as part of her smear campaign, and it worked.
5) That’s so crazy that three of Farmer Chris’ best friends happened to be at the same bar in Des Moines that he and Whitney were at! I mean, what are the chances? I have another four-letter F word for you – fate.
I know it wasn’t a coincidence. Also, stop thinking that Des Moines looked like a cool place. I know everyone was thinking that, and I don’t totally blame you. But remember, it’s all relative. We only saw two towns during that episode: Des Moines and Arlington. Of course Des Moines is going to look like Paris when compared to Arlington! You know, let’s just get to Arlington – talking about it, not visiting it, ever.
Where the hills and prairies meet.
You’re in a terrible place when the sexiest description is ‘Where the Hills and Prairies Meet.’
We were all under the impression that Arlington was a small town, but I feel lied to after seeing it. Small towns are cute, they have a little spunk, and the people there are friendly because everyone knows everyone.
Arlington had none of that going on. It’s a small town that failed horribly! There are no restaurants or bars. The closest thing to a grocery store is an abandoned building that says ‘The Market” on it in mismatched letters. The only reason they have coffee in that town is because some old man shows up to an abandoned trailer every morning at 5am and makes coffee. There will be no more coffee in Arlington when that guys dies!
How is that place still around? I half expected the girls to just keep driving and never turn back after they went and checked it out on their own. Your town is terrible when you are concerned about people seeing it before you get a chance to show them.
They originally tried to film both Sophie’s Choice and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas there, but the location scout deemed Arlington as “too depressing.”
New slogan ideas: Arlington, a Town that Hit Pause in 1905; Arlington, where the preacher wears a Call of Duty shirt tucked into jeans; Welcome to Arlington, oh wait, turn around, you already passed it!
It is unfair to ask any of the girls to live there. It’s unfair to ask anyone to live there. Meat Loaf wrote I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) after his girlfriend of 2 years asked him to move Arlington, Iowa.
Here’s a typical day in Arlington, Iowa:
5:00am- Wake up.
5:10am- Go to abandoned trailer to get coffee from Hank.
5:30am- Click on the Netflix app on your iPad only to watch the buffering circle spin.
5:34am- Go to AskJeeves.com to find the HughesNet customer service line.
5:35am- Call HughesNet to ask why the service is bad.
5:36am- HughesNet rep reminds you that you live in Arlington, Iowa.
5:37am-9:15pm- Sit in your bomb shelter and contemplate life while eating canned fish.
9:15pm-5:00am- Sleep mixed with night terrors.
Is there anyone in the world that could convince you to move to Arlington? Is there a guy or girl – famous or someone you know – that it would be worth moving to Arlington to be with? I say no.
Monday Night’s Episode
After seeing Arlington, the game stopped being about who Farmer Chris would pick, but rather who can we picture living in that (removed by editor)-hole. Again, I’d rather (removed by editor) than live in Arlington, Iowa.
Britt- 0% chance. No way in hell (Arlington) could she live there (Arlington). You can only Instagram so many sunsets to make you happy.
Jade- .1% chance. Only over zero because he could be the only guy that’s cool with her background.
Kaitlyn- 2% chance. It’s tempting to be the first person to introduce rap music to the town.
Becca- 40% chance. She seems to be pretty low key, not Arlington low key, but still low key.
Whitney- 95% chance. While I think she would marry any guy that is remotely interested her, I think she does value her career just slightly.
Carly- 100% chance. She will marry anyone, anything, anywhere, and anytime. “WHY IS IT SO HARD TO WANT ME? LIKE, JUST WANT ME!” Yeah, she’s the kind of person you see on the news that marries a ferris wheel.
Before we get to the hometowns, I should mention that Britt and Kamikaze Carly get cut. Well, I guess Britt cut herself. Her conversation went from 0 to “I’ll walk you out” in like 15 seconds. Not a bad play if you are looking to avoid embarrassment, but then she ruined it by scream-crying outside. I think some of her emotion was the residual effect of having just been in Arlington earlier that week.
I’m tired of Britt and Kamikaze Carly. So unlike Andi with Josh, let’s move on.
Hey guys (girls), I don’t know if you caught it or not but Becca has intimacy issues. Her family acted like she had some birth defect the whole time. “Now Chris, I know you say you like our Becca, but are you ok marrying someone who has three arms? I know most people say that second nose on her lower back doesn’t bother them, but the third arm is usually the deal breaker.”
Becca’s hometown was boring, which means that she seems somewhat normal (gag). It was nice to see Jacob Hester again. I’d be all on Team Becca if when Farmer Chris was like, “Hey, you wanna go ride an empty ferris wheel at a closed theme park?” if she answered, “Eh, that’s okay, I’m just going to hang with my family.”
It is officially going to be brutal if she doesn’t get picked. You can’t go asking girls who he should ask for her hand in marriage if he’s not going to propose. Plus, she opened the really expensive love wine with him! That’s legally binding in the state of Illinois! Is this something that girls do? Do girls make purchases way in the past that they hope to share with their future husband?
Also, Is it safe to say that Farmer Chris would’ve, uh, delivered a specimen for them if she never said that she was kidding? How many boyfriends has she taken to the specimen sample (?) room? 10? 12? I was hoping that Whitney and the lady that she most likely calls her “work mom” would leave the room, and that Jade’s Playboy issue would be on the top of that stack. Oh, man. This episode would’ve gone from good to great so quickly. I guess Whitney needs to enjoy her last days of working before moving to Arlington, the land that time knew about and still just chose to leave behind.
Yes, I’m just quickly going through these to get to Jade’s.
I hope Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette. She’s the only girl from this season that would have an entertaining show. I’m off the Britt for Bachelorette bandwagon, and I’d rather live in Arlington for six months than watch Whitney or Becca host the show.
I know you think that Farmer Chris’ rapping was terrible, but remember, he’s probably never heard a rap song before or even seen a black person, so not a bad showing on his end. Also, who’s adopted: Kaitlyn or her sister? It’s one or the other, because there’s no way they are blood relatives.
Kaitlyn is not going to win this season, but she needs to be the next Bachelorette.
Jade, oh Jade
Incredible performance. In fear of being prisoner of the moment, this has to be the greatest hometown visit ever. Not just on the show, but like any boyfriend visiting his girlfriend’s hometown, anywhere on earth. Wow.
Let’s skip the chit chat part with her hillbilly brother and his wild mustang comment, because that’s of zero significance anymore.
Jade obviously had to tell Farmer Chris about her Playboy shoot. Do we agree about that? Okay. Now, how does one reveal to her boyfriend that she posed (and apparently) danced nude for Playboy? That’s the real question.
Answer: you tell him about it then immediately offer to show him the pictures (and video). I thought it was a brilliant play. Here’s the deal: you either show him the pictures while you’re both sitting there or he’s just going to immediately look it up when she leaves. Much like Farmer Chris with Arlington, Jade wanted to control the situation. She wanted to be the one to show FC. The nude Playboy shoot is Jade’s Arlington. Everyone has an Arlington somewhere deep down.
I thought it was cool of Jade to take Farmer Chris to the very hotel room that she had her first Playboy audition in… I can’t believe that they just sat there and watched a video of her stripping, and not just like the beginning to where he understands the point, but the entire video! It was her best strategy, and I thought it might work.
When offered to look at the nude photos, Farmer Chris didn’t bat an eye. I wonder at what point during the slideshow did FC think to himself, “I really shouldn’t be doing this.” A regular guy in that scenario has the decency to say, “No, the past is the past, none of that concerns our relationship,” then he leaves and immediately looks it up and calls his friends. That’s what a decent guy would do.
The real issue here is that she showed zero remorse for any of it. She wasn’t like, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I embarrassingly posed for Playboy,” sob, sob. She was borderline proud of it, and that’s why she was sent home. Her reasoning was that of bizzaro George on Seinfeld: just do the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do.
At least now we have a precedent on The Bachelor for how a girl is or isn’t to show the bachelor nude photos of herself. Jade was my favorite coming out of the bios before the show started and before I knew any of this about her, so it’s tough to see her go, but I love to watch her leave.
(Please click that link so I don’t feel like a perv.)
Heading into the sex episode, I mean fantasy suite, next week, I’d say the standings in Farmer Chris’ mind are: Jade before the Playboy reveal, Britt, Whitney, Becca, Kaitlyn. So I guess it’s really this: Whitney, Becca, then Kaitlyn. As of now I would be surprised to see anyone but Whitney win.