Ladies, and Gentlemen who “only watch it because their girlfriend/wife does,”
Much like the desperate, last-resort-before-I-quit-men-altogether contestant would say… I’m excited to spend more time with each and every one of you here on the blog. I’m excited to see where this goes.
I hate using the word blog because everyone has a blog, right? Quick show of hands if you have been invited to like a blog on Facebook. Everyone? Ok, now keep raising your hand if that blog is a fashion and/or lifestyle blog. 75% of you? Alright, now keep your hand up if that person’s blog title is the word “everyday” followed by their name. Hmm, no hands went down… Ok, keep your hands up if their blog primarily features aerial shots of food displayed in all white bowls and plates. Only one hand went down?! New game: show of hands if you have been invited to like a blog by an expecting mother. Everyone again?
You get the point. And not that there’s anything wrong with those lifestyle blogs, but I will say that throwing “everyday” in the title seems ambitious. This Bachelor recap blog could only carry the title OnceAWeekJeremy.AndUsuallyNotOnTheSameDayAsThePreviousWeek.com, or About500WordsTooLongEachWeekJeremy.com. You really back yourself into a corner by using “everyday.” But hey, if you can consistently produce good content each and every day, then who am I to judge? I’m just a guy that writes way too many words about The Bachelor each week, and the worst part is that I don’t even feel the shame anymore.
(Inside the reader’s head) Three paragraphs in and he hasn’t even started to mention the show yet? How many words are we in for this week, 5,000? Please don’t say 5,000. We were cool with around 3,000, even though I usually had to find my power cord about halfway through the post. Also, how much longer is he going to keep typing in my voice? This is easily one of the ways he could cut down on the word count. Seriously, stop typing in my voice. Stop it. I’m just not going to think anything, so maybe that will make it stop. __________________________ ____________________ _____________ ____________________________. It worked! Oh, crap…
Let’s get on with it.
Where Are They Now?
We started this week with a rose ceremony because Kelsey shat all over the one last week. I guess technically we started with Kelsey in the middle of her self-diagnosed panic attack in the hallway. Is it just me or do these girls not like Kelsey? Kidding, of course, but more on Kelsey later.
During the rose ceremony we lost Mackenzie, mother of Kale, and Samantha, the girl who may or may not be a dead person being used as a puppet, à la Weekend at Bernies seemed pleasant. I couldn’t help but wonder what these two girls were up to these days, so let’s find out.
I’m guessing that Samantha has been trying to convince her friends that she was actually on the show. “Samantha, we want to believe you, but there’s just no proof.” Maybe it’s like that movie The Others where we are actually the ghosts because we can see her. We were ghosts this whole time? That’s fine, we are safer not sharing a planet with Kelsey.
Meanwhile, Kale’s mom is probably in her third semester at University of Phoenix. Go fighting, uhh, keyboards? This summer she almost transferred to the DeVry University Fighting WiFi’s, but they are too big of rivals to just switch schools willy nilly. Plus, DeVry doesn’t offer Coloring as a major, so none of her credits would’ve transferred. She’s also currently working her way towards a minor in Bad Parenting. It was a natural fit considering that she already had a kid that she herself named Kale. Right now in Bad Parenting 201 they are really honing in on going to public playgrounds and just staring at their phones, just utterly neglecting their children. It’s hard to call it work when it comes so naturally. “We’ve never seen someone with such an innate ability to just poorly care for their child,” said Mackenzie’s teacher, Dr. Dina Lohan. “She reminds me of a young me. I mean, I’m still young, so I guess she reminds me of a younger version of an already young me.” “True,” added Woody Allen.
Side note: When you rip someone’s intelligence, you better make sure that everything is grammatically correct in that paragraph. I stand by my grammar in that paragraph, but only that paragraph.
Wait, South Dakota?
Typically by this time in The Bachelor they are in Prague and on their way to the Swiss Alps. This season? Nope. They just left New Mexico (a U.S. state, Megan) and had their sights set on South Dakota. I’ll give them this: if you’re going to go to a Dakota, you definitely go South. Unless, of course, you just watched Fargo for the first time this past weekend (me), then you should choose North Dakota. You betcha!
It’s like the producers said, “Farmer Chris, where in your wildest imagination have you dreamt of traveling to?”
Farmer Chris: Oh, no thank you. I’ll be ok right here in Arlington, Iowa.
Producers: Listen pal, if you ever want a girl to even pretend for television that she is ok with living anywhere in Iowa, then you’re going to need to take her to some pretty cool spots. Come on, what are we thinking here? Rome? Prague? We love Prague.
Farmer Chris: I won’t want to get too far from my crops here in the middle of (some vegetable) season.
Producers: Anywhere in the world…
Farmer Chris: Ok, how about Saint Lucia?
Producers: Eh, we can’t go back there yet. Juan Pablo killed 2 adult film stars there last year.
Farmer Chris: What’s an adult film star?
Producers: You know, like Jad-er-uhh-umm, cough cough.
Farmer Chris: Like who?
Producers: No one. Nothing. Just (sigh), where do you want to go?
Farmer Chris: New Mexico and Dakota.
Producers: Fine. North or South?
Farmer Chris: There are two?! Wow! If we can afford it, let’s do both!
I’d be furious if I were a girl on the show this season, and I’m not even counting their previous life choices that have led to this conclusion. It doesn’t get any better, because next week it looks like they go visit Arlington, Iowa. Woof. Take me back to South Dakota. At least they have Mount Rushmore.
Speaking of Mount Rushmore, who would be on The Bachelor’s Mount Rushmore? Chris Harrison is a lock, so we need to fill the other three spots. Here are some candidates to choose from: Trista, Michelle Money, Brad Womak, Courtney, Ben F., Jef with one F, Sean, the Firestone guy, Dr. Travis, Bob Guiney, Jen Schefft, Jason Mesnik, Jillian Harris, Jesse Palmer, one arm girl who got mad at the guy on Bachelor in Paradise because he wouldn’t have sex with her, Vienna, Ali, Melissa who got dumped during After the Final Rose, Jake Pavelka, Andi, Juan Pablo, Emily, Crazy Clay-er, Nee-kee, Desiree.
Let’s have a healthy debate this week, and I’ll announce the official Bachelor Mount Rushmore next week. Early favorites are Trista, Brad Womak (2 unsuccessful stints as the Bachelor), and maybe Sean (boring).
Big and Rich (and irrelevant)
Good golly, Miss Molly – it must be 2004 again! That, or South Dakota just reached 2004. If so, then buckle up. Just to fill you in, South Dakota… First off, Big and Rich are still touring the country singing those same 3 songs; we have a black president now, and it’s not David Palmer; also, David Palmer dies, just fyi; a nasty hurricane hit New Orleans in 2005, and nine years later NBC News anchor Brian Williams gets caught lying about said hurricane; however, Brian Williams keeps his job but is forced to watch every scene of Girls that his daughter is in, including the one they opened the season with this year; Michael Jackson died as a white male; a lot of people play with their selfie stick in public, but it’s not what you’re thinking; the Hunger Games are a thing, and warning – Peeta is a real bitch; the Kardashians only get worse with age; Bruce Jenner is ¾’s of the way to becoming a woman; and most importantly, The Bachelor is now (at least) two hours every week, and it still sometimes doesn’t feel like enough.
Now that we’re on the same page with South Dakota, let’s talk about the group date.
Rule of thumb: When you are hanging out with a group of people and two of the people leave unannounced for over an hour, then return all giggly and sweaty, someone in the group has to say, “(Sniff, Sniff) It smells like sex.” How could no one say that last night when Britt and Farmer Chris left for well over an hour?! So disappointing.
Anyway, did anyone else get the feeling that the Willy Wonka-looking guy in Big and Rich recognized Jade from something? She was like, “Hey Willy Wonka-looking guy from Big and Rich, I’m Jade. Nice to meet you.” Then he held his gaze with a skeptical, “Nice to meet you, too,” response in a way that he was sure they had previously met. He was able to connect the dots at some point, because later he tried to run away with her. I can’t blame him, I’m sure there’s a lot of lonely nights in the chocolate factory. Sure, the Oompa Loompa’s provide decent conversation from time-to-time, and the zero-gravity bubble room is fun, but after a while they start to lose their meaning. What’s it all worth, even the chocolate river, if you can only enjoy those alone? (Sad music).
Now I’m not pretending to be a talent scout when it comes to singing, but I don’t think any judges on The Voice would’ve turned their chair around for any of the girls, Carly the cruise ship singer included. Also, Carly is annoying. Thank God she wasn’t a performer on the Titanic, because she would’ve found a way to place a void between Jack and Rose. However, after having to listen to her perform for three or four straight nights, maybe she would’ve made the whole ship going down thing not quite as hard to handle.
Sorry, that’s terrible. Let’s make fun of someone else’s singing. How about Britt? Britt sounded like the girl that constantly sings during gym class, and if you ask her, she thinks she’s pretty talented. Meanwhile, the rest of the class is hoping she takes a dodgeball to the throat. Or maybe they just need a bitchy high school girl to make a passive-aggressive comment about her singing that sounds like it’s easily brushed off, but in reality it sticks with her for a minimum of 15 years. That reminds me of a great John Mulaney bit about how you could never pull off a heist with a group of women. By the way, you should all watch his show Mulaney. It’s on Fox on Sundays at 7et/6ct, and it’s really funny and clever writing. If you need more of a nudge, he created Stefon on SNL with Bill Hader. Here’s the bit:
But hey, let’s get to the main event!
The 2-on-1 Date
The two-on-one is the greatest date format in The Bachelor’s rich, award-winning history, and they could not have picked two girls that were more perfect for it. One girl is supposed to stay, and one girl is supposed to go, but Farmer Chris brought a gun with two bullets.
In one corner you have Kelsey, the widow whose husband, Sanderson Poe, decided to walk to work because it was a nice day in Austin, and my guess is that he just kept walking and never turned back. He saw freedom and a new life in front of him, and he never looked back.
In the other corner you have Ashley I, who cakes on so much makeup that I can only assume she’s going for the Dust Bowl Farmer look.
Also, I thought it was so cool that they were able to take a helicopter all the way to Matt Damon’s planet from Interstellar for a picnic. It was pretty impressive that they didn’t feel any effects from the time change. I kept hoping that Damon would show up and pull the oxygen plug from both Ashley I and Kelsey. Jury is out on whether Farmer Chris needs oxygen to live, or if he is a farming robot that can’t feel or express human emotions quite yet.
There are three fantastic phases of a two-on-one date.
1) When all three of the people are supposed to hangout together.
This started when they were whizzing by Washington’s nose in the helicopter. I can’t remember if this is when Kelsey said it or if it was earlier, but it’s important to know that she said of herself, “I’m blessed with eloquence.” I originally thought it was a humblebrag because that’s what we’re used to hearing, but this was an old-fashioned self-pat on the back. Just old school bragging about her intelligence while simultaneously taking shots at the other girl’s.
After they touched down on the Interstellar planet, Farmer Chris led the ladies toward a bed, because of course there’s a bed set up and not just a few chairs. What can you possibly talk about with the girls when you are all three together? “So, what’s new with you two? How has your day been?” “Um, well,” either girl could say, “I’m starting to think that my boyfriend is cheating on me with, like, a lot of other women.” Nothing good can come from the three of them hanging out. Nothing good for them, I mean. It’s great for us.
2) When they each get alone time with The Bachelor, leaving the other just sitting on a bed in the middle of Mars with a glass filled to the brim with white wine.
It’s bad enough when you’re out at a restaurant with a date and you’re talking about past relationships. Your ex can be three states away and you’ll still whisper when speaking about her in public. You’ll be thinking, “Well, there’s only six degrees of separation between everyone, so you never know if our waiter might be friends with someone who liked an Instagram picture that your ex’s best friend was tagged in. So it could easily get back to her that I was talking about her in public, obviously.”
In last night’s scenario, the other person is almost in sight, and probably would be in sight if it weren’t for Matt Damon’s planet being so damn hilly. However, this is where Ashley I made a major Bachelor flaw: she talked about another girl.
Rule number one of The Bachelor: never ever acknowledge the fact that there are other women there when speaking with the bachelor. No, that’s not supposed to be a play off of Fight Club. By the way, can we please retire that joke? Aren’t we tired of Dave in accounting saying, “Rule number one of the break room: never talk about the break room.” I think the joke has run its course. Let’s have a quick moment of silence as that joke is buried into the ground beneath us.
Rest in peace, Fight Club joke. You’ve lived a good life. You fought the good… Eh, I’m not going to say the dad joke.
Back to Ashley I’s error – you especially don’t reference another girl if she’s the only other girl on Matt Damon’s planet! Of course Farmer Chris is going to ask Gone Girl Kelsey about it, it’s his job. Usually the girl (Ashley I) who tells the bachelor about the crazy girl that everyone hates (Kelsey) gets sent home, taking the bullet for the rest of the house. Then throughout the following weeks, the cork board of evidence starts to stack up against the crazy girl, thus forcing the bachelor to send her packing.
However, this time Ashley I took the bullet AND so did Kelsey. “If I had a gun with two bullets and I were in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.” Farmer Chris used his bullets a little more efficiently than Michael Scott.
Here’s what happens when one girl finds out that the other girl talked trash about her on a two-on-one.
Classic move there by Ashley I. When you are trying not to make eye contact with someone and you want to check and see if they are still looking at you, you look past them the other direction. Textbook performance.
3) The departure – when the bachelor sends one, or both, of them packing.
The best part of the third and final phase is when a Bachelor staffer walks into the room and removes the eliminated girls luggage, right in front of the rest of the girls. This has to be the best job in television, and she played it out well. She stood there, surveyed the bags, counted to three Mississippi, and then pulled Ashley I’s luggage. Moments later, though, she walked back in and removed Kelsey’s luggage as well, starting a celebration that’s only fit for New Years Eve or when you realize you have your apartment/house to yourself for a weekend. “Wait, my roommate is gone for the weekend?”
But last night, the luggage removal was not the best part of the two-on-one. Farmer Chris taking off in the helicopter and leaving both girls on Matt Damon’s planet to die together was by far the best part of the show, and maybe some of the greatest cinematography we’ve ever seen in television. Two lonely, desperate girls standing two hundred yards apart, both watching the love of their past five weeks fly away from them, metaphorically and physically.
You know you’re really hated when you leave a group of girls and they celebrate like this…
Kelsey and Ashley I were both eliminated, but they snuck in 2 points for a helicopter ride before being left on Mars to be eaten by coyotes. Other than that, it was a big week for Becca and Britt, who may be the two favorites heading into next week.
I wasn’t sure if Farmer Chris was still going to cut anyone else in South Dakota, so I went ahead and scored it as if the rest of the girls advanced. Also, I’d like to formally apologize for not having a two-on-one date built into the rulebook. It’s my favorite thing on the show, so I’m ashamed that I missed it. I decided to score it as a group date for both Kelsey and Ashley I.
The rules of the game can be found at the bottom of this post.
Britt: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 6; 3 (one-on-one), 1 (one-on-one rose), 1 (advancing) = 11; 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 16
Jade: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (advancing) = 3; 3 (one-on-one), 1 (rose on one-on-one), 2 (private concert) = 9; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 11; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 13
Whitney: 1 (advancing) = 1; 3 (one-on-one), 1 (one-on-one rose), 1 (advancing) = 6; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 8; 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 13; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 15
Kaitlin: 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 5; 3 (one-on-one), 1(rose on one-on-one), 1 (advancing) = 10; 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 15; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 17; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 19
Becca: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 7; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 9; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 11; 3 (one-on-one), 1 (rose on one-on-one), 1 (advancing) = 16
Carly: 1 (advancing) = 1; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 5; 3 (one-on-one), 1(rose on one-on-one), 1 (advancing) = 10; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 12
Megan: 3 (one-on-one), 2 (helicopter ride), 1 (one-on-one rose), 1 (advancing) = 7; 1 (advancing) = 8; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 10; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 12; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 14
Kelsey: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 6; 1 (group), 5 (successfully sneaking out), 1 (advancing) = 13; 1 (group), 2 (helicopter ride) = 15
Ashley I: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group), 5 (sneaking out with success), 1 (advancing) = 10; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 12; 1 (group), 2 (helicopter ride) = 14
Mackenzie: 1 (group), 3 (rose before the ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 5; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 7; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 9; 1 (group) = 10
Samantha: 1 (advancing) = 1; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 5; 1 (group) = 6
Jillian: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group) X
Ashley S: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group) X
Juelia: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group) X
Nikki: 1 (advancing) = 1; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group) X
Tandra: 1 (group), (X) = 1
Tracy: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) X = 3
Jordan: (X) = 0
Tara: 1 (group), (X) = 1 X
Alissa: 1 (group), (X) = 1
Amber: 1 (group), 2 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group) X, = 4
Kimberly: 1 (group), (X) = 1 (group)