The Bachelor 2015: Episode 5 (Passport to New Mexico)

kelsey evil

 

They’ve done it. They have officially done it.

They found a way to keep us thoroughly entertained while not even having a rose ceremony. We have officially lost our voice as the viewer. The powers that be can now do whatever they want to us.

The episode ended without any finality to it, and we were all ok with it. That’s like the Super Bowl coming down to the last minute and the refs being like, “Ok, that’s enough,” and just calling the game. Maybe not, but it’s like an exciting tennis match going to a 5th set and both players just walking off the court to a standing ovation from the fans.

Is it safe to say that this is our craziest group of girls in recent memory? And not just on The Bachelor, but like any group of at least 10 girls. We have a sociopath, a virgin, a psychopath, someone who’s never had a boyfriend… AND THAT’S JUST ASHLEY I! I used to think that you couldn’t hate someone that you don’t know, but my outlook has changed.

Without any more delay, let’s talk about Kelsey…

What’s the Deal with Kelsey?

 

KelseyCrazy

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“Hey guys, this is Sarah Koenig, and welcome to the second season of Serial. Crazy that we are already doing this again. I know. I was surprised too. But here we are. Doing another season. I’d love to explain my feelings about season one, but I don’t know. I just can’t.

So this season we got a call about a girl who was on a popular reality television show. It’s called The Bachelor. You may already know about it. I didn’t. So my producer Dana and I gathered together one Monday night to watch. That’s what people do with this show. Something about it makes it more fun with a group. It’s been happening for years. But we watched the show. It didn’t really add up. A guy is trying to find love on television. It sounded too good to be true. But it’s real. It’s been happening for years. But love isn’t found often. Or ever, really. As we watched it, we couldn’t help but notice Kelsey. She talked about her deceased husband. A guy named Sanderson. Sanderson Poe. The timeline didn’t make sense. Her phone calls with Sanderson didn’t ping the right cell towers. What was she really doing? She doesn’t know. She can’t account for 3 hours of that day. She can’t remember anything from those 3 hours. One of her friends said she was at the library, but her lawyer didn’t look into that alibi.

So my producer Dana and I…”

Alright, enough of that.

At the beginning of the season I made the claim that Kelsey would be the girl that the rest of America would say is too good for the show. As you know, I don’t believe in this idea. Anyone who ends up on The Bachelor is there because some stuff has gone seriously wrong, so no one is too good for it. People who are too good for the show don’t go through a strenuous interview process to get on the show.

Anyway, Kelsey had a perfect story for The Bachelor. Her husband tragically died, and now she is just opening up her heart again to the idea of love. Also, she looked like she was going to be the mature, Mother Goose of the house. She was one of like three girls who didn’t have the same hairstyle as everyone else. She has a really believable vocation. Point is she had plenty of perks.

But man oh man, who could’ve seen this coming?! When I heard that Gillian Flynn was working on a sequel to Gone Girl, I didn’t know that they were going to air it this past Monday on ABC! THIS GIRL IS INSANE. Seriously, even the girl in Gone Girl was like, “Whoa, this chick is crazy.”

First off, no way her husband was a real person. If you’re going to make up a name, go with something a little more believable than Sanderson Poe, and don’t go out of your way multiple times to say his name. “So my husband, oh by the way his name was Sanderson Poe, but a few years ago, Sanderson Poe and I, me being Sanderson Poe’s wife, we were at dinner, Sanderson Poe said to me, he said, ‘I’m going to order the steak because I’m real and my name is Sanderson Poe,’ and I was like omg that’s classic Sanderson Poe.”

(Please do not contact me with proof that this guy is real.)

I wanted one of the girls to ask who she dated before Sanderson Poe. Kelsey would say, “Well, I actually dated a good friend of Sanderson’s. His name was George, George Tropicana. No, sorry. His name was George Glass. Gosh, George just had a way to make me feel so special.”

So what’s the deal with this girl? Is Farmer Chris going to be told of her craziness? Also, no one who is having an actual panic attack says out loud, “Oh my, I’m having a panic attack.” Like everyone else, I kept looking at the time left on the DVR wondering if we were going to have a rose ceremony. But nope, Kelsey just ruined any chance of that.

I haven’t been able to sleep well at night since this past episode. I keep hearing Kelsey in my head saying, “Isn’t my story amazing?” Then it’s usually followed by an evil muhuhahahahaha.

I don’t know what is going to happen next on the show with Kelsey. But I feel pretty confident in saying that she has permanently damaged her life outside of the show. I don’t see the school keeping her on as a guidance counselor. The principal must’ve thrown up after watching that. Then he probably thought, “Wait, three of our students went missing last year after their visit to the guidance counselor. Hmm…” She won’t get another job, surely, and I can’t imagine a guy watching that and still wanting to give her a chance. “Yeah, I know she seemed crazy on the show, but she has a good heart with good intentions.” That’s not happening.

R.I.P. to Kelsey’s social life. That’s all I want to say about this because I’m afraid that as soon as I post this there will be a knock at my door, and it will be Kelsey with an eyes-wide-open-stare on the other side of the peep hole. We’ll talk more about this next week when we have some answers.

Diary of a Mad White Woman

 

ashley i

During this week’s episode, Ashley I., one of my top five least favorite people ever, mentioned that she had been keeping a journal during her time on the show. I did a little digging, and don’t ask me how, but I was able to get my hands on an entry from her journal! I believe that she wrote this passage after the latest episode, because the title is Whitney Must Go. I’d feel selfish if I didn’t share it with you guys (mainly you girls – btw, do girls think it’s weird that people say “you guys” to a group of people regardless of what gender the group is made up of?), so here it is:

“Dear James,

I’m starting to realize that people don’t typically name their journal. But I think the real issue is that most other women have had a boyfriend at some other point in their life, and the only man I’ve been close with is you, James. Expect for that one month that I decided to call you Jim because it sounded younger and I thought people would judge me for being involved with an older man named James. But then I realized that people knew that I wasn’t actually dating someone named Jim or James, and that you were either a piece of my imagination or that you were a real person being held captive in my basement. And, you know, after the cops came and searched my house for you, people now know that James is just the name I gave my journal. But I like to think we are more than that, you know? What we have goes deeper than just some ink on paper. No man will ever have your smooth, moleskin outer layer, unless they moisturize like super well. Ugh, here I go again talking about skin products.

Sigh.

James, I’m just going to come out and say it: I have met the man that I am going to marry. Whew, it feels so good to put that in writing. And I know what you’re thinking, “Oh beautiful Ashley I, you fall in love so easily.” I know, I know. But this is different than the other times. This is not just someone that was behind me in line at Whole Foods who I only made eye contact with once or twice. This isn’t just some random guy that was in the car behind me at a red light, and while I was sure for those 15 seconds that he was the one, he then turned into a gas station and I lost track of him. And no, this isn’t another guy that I just ripped out of a magazine. Great Clips told me that I had to stop doing that.

This time he actually knows I exist! He knows my name! But there’s one issue… he’s dating 10 other women.

I’ve tried to pull out all of the stops on this guy. I told him that I was a virgin, I try sucking the life out of him every time we kiss so that he will be mine and only mine, and I have been alternating my six different makeup masks daily.

ashley i mask

So each week he gathers all of his girlfriends into a room and he gives a rose to the ones we wants to keep for the next week, then the others get in a limo and scream/cry. I don’t know why they wait until then to do that when I like to employ a laugh-cry combo several times a day. But anyway, I think he really likes me because he keeps giving me roses. However, this week was cray. That’s slang for crazy. Oh James, sometimes I forget how mature and out of touch with my young-person lingo you are.

So like this week we all gathered in a hotel bar to see who he was going to keep. I decided to really wow him that night, so I put on that little white dress that I got from Limited Too, you know the one I’m talking about. The one that has the size listed in French: ‘Ages 8-10.’ Sorry James, I forgot I didn’t take you to France that time in high school. ‘Ages’ means ‘size’ in French. I actually got some great compliments on it from this girl named Jade. She told me that she wore something like that at the beginning of some of her movies. That’s right, James, a movie star complimented my dress!

We were all sitting around on a couch, even the girl that died like three weeks ago (more on that in the next section), and our boyfriend hadn’t shown up yet. Then, and make sure you’re sitting down for this, our boyfriend walked in with his arm around his ex-girlfriend who he dumped a few weeks ago! Right?! I was pissed off. I immediately told the waiter to bring me the usual – a tall glass of vodka, diet Pepsi, salt, bloody marry mix, tequila, and absinthe all mixed together with Khiel’s Crème de Corps moisturizer, because I ain’t trying to have dry and crackly skin, James! But this b*tch is just gonna walk all up in here acting like she’s one of us?! Uh, I don’t think so honey! I’M TOP ELEVEN, JAMES. TOP FREAKING ELEVEN. This Jordan chick didn’t even make the top 15. Ugh.

So I’m drunkenly explaining all of this to my boyfriend’s other girlfriends, and most of them agree with me, even that middle-school girl Mackenzie, who I’m guessing is like one of the girls’ sister? But anyway, after my rant, this Whitney girl tells me that I should respect his decision. Respect his decision?? Nice try, but I don’t take my advice from a real-life Minnie Mouse! Ugh, she was being so annoying. It’s like she was trying to tell me to act like an adult or something. It was so out of line!

I ordered three more of the usual, this time with extra moisturizer, and I re-entered the conversation. I told Whitney, “Listen, I shmorf dir yurzen bvlatte. Shlengle forsh en wortf.” I was pretty drunk, so that was the best I could do. But what I was trying to say is that I hate her, and that she doesn’t have the right to tell me what to do. I’m sorry I’m not Mrs. Perfect, I haven’t even met Mr. Perfect! This is my love story, and she doesn’t need to be a part of it.

Then this girl Kelsey was talking about some made up guy named like Anderson Cooper or something, and then she had a, in her own words, a “panic attack.” This pretty much ruined the night. It was so much drama that our boyfriend didn’t even send anyone home, or at least that’s all the viewers at home know about that night because the episode just ended, I think. Again, this is actually my journal so of course I know what happened, but I’m just not going to explain it yet.

But the real point is that this Whitney girl has to go. You know in Revenge how Amanda Clark would circle her next victim with a red sharpie? Well consider Whitney circled, but I didn’t have a red sharpie so I just used one of my 50 tubes of lipstick. I only circled her picture like 30 times, which is about half as many times as I circle my lips with the lipstick.

So James, I just want you to know, if I get arrested during the next episode then it’s probably because I killed Whitney. But just know that it was an act of love. Please visit me in prison, but don’t even show up if you aren’t going to bring me my makeup. And no, just a little foundation won’t suffice; I need all three roller suitcases of it!

Until next time,

xoxo…

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX(DEEP BREATH)XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX,

Ashley I.”

Samantha Who?

 

samantha pic

I might as well start off being as straightforward as possible: Samantha is the girl that is still on the show but people have no clue why or how or who she is. She never speaks – and not just to Farmer Chris, but to anyone in general – and she is rarely ever shown on camera. It’s weirdly sad how little she is involved in the show. Here are my theories for what is happening:

1) We have a Weekend at Bernie’s situation on our hands. Last summer on The Bachelorette, one of the contestants passed away in between the filming and airing of the show. The Bachelor doesn’t want this to become a trend, so they are covering it up, hard. They don’t want people saying, “I’d like to go on The Bachelor, but I don’t want to be the one that dies this season.” Actually, I think there are enough girls in the infinite well of sadness that they pull contestants out of who wouldn’t mind taking a one in thirty chance of dying if it meant they also had a one in thirty chance of meeting their husband on national television.

Well, this seems way worse once I typed it out. It sounded like a light “haha” joke in my head, but now it feels dark. But since we are in this place, now that I know y’all are cool, here’s this… I’m guessing that Samantha died a few weeks ago – more than two weeks ago, but definitely less than four. So now they can only have her go on group dates where they primarily sit on couches and gossip. Some production assistant puts her in a nice dress and applies the makeup, and then a different production assistant (because the first one has to go cry alone at a bar for a few hours) kneels behind the couch and cuts two holes in it. One hole is to hold her upright, and the other is to swivel her head towards whoever is talking at the moment.

Alright, I’m sorry, enough of that theory, let’s move on.

CGI

2) Maybe they miscounted the amount of girls that they advertised, so now they are using CGI to fill in the space. The promo said, “This season on The Bachelor, 30 women fight for Farmer Chris’ small, emotionless heart. Again, 30 total women will be on this season. Not 29, 28, and not 27, but 30, 30 total women. Don’t believe us? Then count it each week! If you see less than 30 girls on opening night, we’ll give you the hours of your life back that you lose each week when watching this show. However, we don’t return any hours you spend writing about the show…”

So they really backed themselves into a corner there with that promo. Then on the first night one of the girls died of alcohol poisoning during the cocktail party, so they dragged her out and replaced her with Samantha, a CGI creation they had on standby. All of the contestants signed a non-disclosure in regards to the dead girl and computer-generated Samantha, so each rose ceremony they have a time where Farmer Chris says, “Samantha,” then he pauses for the reasonable amount of time it would take for a girl to walk up to him, then he says, “Samantha, will you accept this rose?” He then holds a rose out, drops it on the ground, and hugs thin air. With technology being so good these days, The Bachelor’s new computer-generated contestant is able to receive the rose and walk back to the girls during postproduction and editing. They figured that six weeks would be enough time for us to think Samantha, their CGI product, was very much a real person, so she should be gone (or deleted) soon.

But what if Farmer Chris fell in love with the idea of Samantha during the filming with the show? After the show, while sitting in the editing bay he sees what CGI Samantha looks like, and a small, corn-fed tear rolls down his cheek. He’s finally found the one. FC looks at the editing team and says, “Can I… Marry her?” They look him in the eye, so happy that he has found love, and they say, “Why don’t you ask her yourself, bud.” They use the word bud because while it seems sweet on the surface, deep down it’s really a condescending nickname. No one considers anyone they call bud a peer; because truthfully it’s what you say to someone you think is beneath you. Anyway, Farmer Chris looks up at Samantha and says, “Samantha, my Sam, would you do the honor of making me the happiest man in America?”

Computer-generated Samantha darts her eyes slowly from side to side, then looks up at Farmer Chris and says, “Well, much like the two girls that left you at the altar during the final episode, I don’t want to move to Iowa either.” Farmer Chris hangs his head. “But listen,” Samantha pleads, “It’s just that, you know, I’m only a few weeks old. And it’s not an age difference thing, because my creators here at ABC made me into a woman in her late 20’s. But I’m new to this world and I feel like there’s so much of it that I haven’t seen. I want to travel to Paris and walk along the Seine, I want to watch people drink great wine in Italy – I can’t because it would ruin my computer-generated insides – and I want to go to New York and see some of my ancestors old homes (screens) in Times Square. In order for me to exist I have to be near high-speed internet, and from what I’m told Iowa is still 10-15 years out from that.”

“You know what?” Samantha continues. “Let’s make a deal. If neither of us are married by the time we are 45, then we’ll meet back here in this editing bay and make it official. Deal?” Farmer Chris lifts his head towards the screen, upset with her answer to the proposal but now somewhat optimistic about the deal and says, “Ok, you got yourself a deal.” Farmer Chris leaves the editing bay, and once he’s out of sight Samantha pulls out an e-cig and mumbles, “Poor guy doesn’t realize that I don’t age.” Then she takes a long drag from her e-cig and the screen fades to black.

The End.

Yes, that went much further than I planned. My original thought was to mention in one or two sentences that she was possibly just CGI’d into the episodes. Regardless of which theory you choose, we still lose a girl’s life in either one.

Quick Hitters

-I like Britt ok, but I feel like she really rubs girls the wrong way. Not just the girls in the house, but all girls who watch the show. Is this accurate? Also, I think she showers. She looks too clean for someone who apparently hadn’t showered in five weeks. FIVE WEEKS. The only people who do that are millennials who travel to Europe to go “find themselves.” I’m on Team Showers.

-Nashville girl must’ve been so confused when she didn’t even have to go through customs when flying internationally to New Mexico… That was embarrassing. She probably asked the person at the ticket counter to stamp her passport, and they just grabbed some stamp with a smiley face just to make her happy.

-At the beginning of the episode, I was really high on Carly. No, not as high as the Love Guru, but I was a fan. Then an hour later I said, “I’m out, I’m out on Carly.” It was quite the rollercoaster ride. Farmer Chris will probably cut her anyway because she would “be intimate” with him in front of the sex therapist Love Guru.

-I strongly dislike a lot of these girls, but there are a few that I’m ok with: Jade (minus her past), Becca, Ashley I (JUST KIDDING), Britt, and Kaitlyn (sometimes). I hope he cuts the field in half next week. (Accidental farm pun). So really I’m ok with just Becca.

-Really, The Bachelor? New Mexico? No one wants to go to New Mexico. Even Walter White chose death over living another day in New Mexico, and he was one of the richest guys in the state! It’s time to travel overseas. I want to see the look on Mackenzie’s face when she realizes that the real Eifel Tower is in Paris, not Las Vegas.

-I kept up with the fantasy scores last week, but I’m not going to post them since there was no rose ceremony. We don’t know who is advancing yet, but I will post them next week once we see what happens. The only important thing to know is that Kelsey did receive five points for sneaking out and finding Farmer Chris, with the feeling being reciprocated. These five points were intended more for a late-night sneak out, but a sneak out is a sneak out, so five points go to Kelsey.

See you next week!

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Posted on by Jeremy Wilson in Entertainment, Featured, Misc. TV, Reality Check, Television, TV Reviews

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