The Bachelor 2015: Premier Breakdown & New Fantasy Game

Alternate Titles: It’s Britt’s world and we’re all just living in it, or…
It’s drunk Tara’s world and we’re all just living in it, or…
Oh my goodness, one of those girls named her kid Kale!

bach premier group shot

 

Guys and girls,

What a night. I mean, what a night.

I don’t want to fall victim to hyperbole, but that might’ve been the best opening night in the show’s decorated history. They even threw an hour of horrible red carpet coverage at us and that still didn’t weigh down what was a great premier.

I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t have a little extra pep in my step yesterday in anticipation for the premier, and I think you could feel it across the country. When I left my apartment last night to meet up with my Bachelor-watching crew, I noticed quite a few cars on the road, to which I can only assume was Bachelor traffic – similar to game day traffic for any sporting event. I even expected to see a few cars donning flags with roses on them. Maybe even some car paint on back windshields spelling out, “All the way to state, Farmer Chris! #RightReasons.”

Ok, that’s a little over the top, but I could really feel the anticipation for last night’s premier, and it did not disappoint. Speaking of getting carried away, I, along with the help of some friends, created a new Bachelor Fantasy game that I’d encourage you to play with your friends. I will save that for the end of this post, so if you have typically hated everything that I have ever written then skip to the end, because I’m sure you will enjoy that game. The fantasy format works out to where you just have to pick three girls before next week’s episode, so there’s plenty of time for you slackers who missed last night’s premier because you actually “have a life.” Ugh, gross.

One last thing before we get started – can we briefly talk about how The Bachelor just brings people together? No, not on the actual show; that success rate is still extremely low. But rather just Bachelor Nation, which I’m surprised that Microsoft Word didn’t automatically correct to make it a proper noun. Who can I write a strongly worded letter to at Microsoft Word, assuming they have their own corporate office? I can picture valeting my car outside next to a huge statue of Clippy. Then you get to the elevator and see a directory: first floor is all font, second floor is Geek Squad, third floor is just a board room with people arguing about the spelling and grammar squiggly lines, fourth floor is alignment and spacing in which they share a break room with bullets and numbering, and then the fifth floor is full of “save as” sales reps with a real Wolf of Wall Street vibe.

Clippy

Yet I digress. What was I saying? Oh yeah, The Bachelor brings people together. I talked to people before and after the show that I haven’t talked to in years, and it was great, because that’s just the power of the show. Once you find out someone faithfully watches week to week, you can just skip all the small talk pleasantries and just dive right in to who you loved, who you hated, and then arguing about just how much alcohol did Tara actually have. This show has moved out of the guilty pleasure category, where people used to admit to watching it and then hide under their desk in shame. It might actually be cool to watch this show now, both guys and girls.

Anyway, let’s get on with what we loved and hated about last night…

Red Carpet

Very, very unnecessary. Remember when this show used to be one hour each week? I feel like we blinked and suddenly the show is three hours without any of us remembering how we got here. By 2017, this will be a two-night, four-hour show, AND WE WILL STILL WATCH ALL OF IT. I had to catch myself from saying that they couldn’t fit it all in just one hour, but they could, they absolutely could.

chris and sean bach

Do you think that Chris Harrison’s love of Sean is reciprocated, or is Sean sick of all the extra love and attention? I got the vibe that Sean wanted to say, “Chris, look, we had some great times together, no doubt. But I think it’s time that we both move on. I found someone new, and I know that you’ll do the same as well. Just please, please leave my family and me alone. What’s that? Yes, I have lost 50-80 pounds since my season. That’s why I grew this wispy beard, so that people will officially think that I’m on crack.” Also, what’s up with Catherine’s cape? She looked like she was wearing a shower curtain that you would see at your friend’s house – the kind that you’re not sure if it’s actually covering you up, so you take your whole shower facing against the wall, paranoid that someone is going to walk in. Bad job by you, Catherine.

Catherine Giudici outfit

So I could tell that Nikki had some sort of surgery, an enhancement of some kind, but I just can’t put my finger on it. Hmm, she didn’t gain any weight, yet she definitely looked bigger. Oh well, I guess it’s just one of life’s little – er, rather large – mysteries.

Finally, on a scale of one to Fidel Castro, how much does Chris Harrison hate Juan Pablo? I’d say it’s somewhere between an eight and Vladimir Putin. He just kept digging, poking, and prodding Nikki about their failed relationship to the point where I felt bad for her. It’s like Chris didn’t lose any fire and anger from last year’s After the Final Rose episode where he did the exact same thing. Quick suggestion for Chris Harrison: take the same approach Elsa took in Frozen – let it go! (At least I think that analogy works. I never saw Frozen).

Finally (part 2), what do all these red carpet Bachelor “celebs” do in between live taping events? I think they all just live in that studio, rent-free. Dylan shares a bunk with Cody, Marcus and Lacy cuddle on the couch in the living room in the kind of way that makes it uncomfortable for anyone to watch TV in there, Crazy Claire alternates from sobbing while looking out the window to then laughing and smiling while biting her bottom lip, and Michelle Money just walks around with two hands on her hot tea spreading rumors about everyone in the house, and ends every rumor with, “you didn’t hear it from me,” as she’s walking away.

Limo Entrances

carly singing bach

If we are going to say that this is one of the greatest premiers, then we have to agree that the limo entrances were on point. No, I don’t mean that they were on solid like, “oh, I would have done that too” terms; I mean that they were perfectly outrageous. Let’s discuss the more memorable ones.

Britt, the girl that I thought Chris was about to propose to on the first night, opened things up by giving Chris a hug that was, eh, seven seconds too long. I kept waiting for her to laugh or say, “Just kidding,” or something. But I guess she was serious about that hug. Then she had the audacity to give him a Free Hug coupon like some elementary kid gives his mom on Christmas when he forgets to get her a present. Giving him that long of a hug and then giving him a Free Hug coupon is like going to a Golden Coral buffet and then taking six yeast rolls home in a to-go box. Wait, that’s a real thing! What kind of sick freak needs to take home six yeast rolls from a buffet?! That should just be some population control trick, like the FBI (or whoever runs this country) is like, listen, we don’t want to live on the same planet as people who 1) go to Golden Corral in general, and 2) go there with the hopes of bringing home six yeast rolls, so we’re just going to poison all the rolls. What I mean by all of that is that Britt’s hug was too long.

6 rolls bach

Another memorable entrance was Drunk Tara’s. Bold move to get out of the limo in boots and shorts, and even bolder to go change into a cocktail dress and re-enter the limo, but I loved it. I was hoping so badly that Farmer Chris wasn’t going to realize that he had already met her. I liked her strategy, and I think it won her benefit of the doubt when she was drunkenly swaying during the rose ceremony like a palm tree in the wind.

Then there was Tandra on the motorcycle, who was one of my picks after reading the bios. I thought the motorcycle was a strong play, but I’m worried about her. I don’t remember seeing her but maybe once in the entire season previews after the show. My girl Tandra may be riding that motorcycle back home sooner rather than later.

We had a few other cutesy props during the limo entrances: Reegan’s fake heart, Alissa’s seatbelt – by the way, I genuinely believe that all flight attendants think passengers don’t know how to operate a seatbelt, and last night helped my theory, but all props pale in comparison to Carly the cruise ship singer’s portable mic and speaker. She got halfway into that song and you could see the look on her face that said, “Uh oh, this song is twice as long as it needs to be,” and the look on Farmer Chris’ face that said, “This can’t end soon enough.” I wanted her to ditch the boom box into the fountain and run into the house crying. I was ready to hate her just based on her bio and occupation, but I actually thought it was kind of cute.

The Ladies

I stand by all of my projections from the bios, except for Michelle. I think she got cut, right? ABC used to turn the girl’s pictures gray once they were eliminated, but that hasn’t happened yet, so I’m not too sure. But my favorites coming out of the bio breakdown were Jade, Tandra, Kelsey, Britt, and possibly Kaitlyn, and I don’t think I would change that up too much.

Jade had a perfect opening episode in terms of making it deep into the competition. She wasn’t a focal point, she got some solid one-on-one time with Chris, and she was selected early on in the rose ceremony. The first rose ceremony is really the only time the selection order matters. The bachelor is always going to select the ones he likes the most first, and then he’ll make your cruise ship singers of the world sweat it out. Nice job by Jade, and I look forward to getting to know her better over the next few weeks. Feel free to let me know when I cross the line and my love for her becomes unhealthy. What’s that, I already crossed that line before the show aired? Well then I guess there’s no looking back. I love you, Jade.

Kelsey and Kaitlyn had strong starts as well. Kelsey’s husband died suddenly just over a year ago, which seems like too soon to be on The Bachelor, but she’ll be very easy to root for. Warning: she will be the girl that people (yes, you) will think is too good for this show. Please don’t fall into that trap.

kaitlyn dancing bach

Kaitlyn, on the other hand, went from zero to psycho-crazy in 1.7 seconds, which has to be a record on any reality show. I believe she went straight from hi to saying you can plow my fields any day, with an F-bomb mixed in there somewhere. Then, just moments later in the house, she tells what I think was a pretty raunchy joke that I (a) don’t remember exactly, and B) don’t want to type out because my mom reads this. Hi, mom! Also, Kaitlyn put on some Lululemon yoga pants and taught Farmer Chris how to get down on the dance floor. She came out guns blazing, and yet she didn’t scare Farmer Chris off, so kudos to her. We need to get her on tour after the release of her one-hour, one-woman show on Netflix, which also needs to happen. Kaitlyn showed about nine of her cards, and I respect that. Think about how nice that would be in a relationship if you just got all the crazy right upfront, then you immediately know if you can handle it or not. That is much better than finding that out six months down the line.

So did Whitney bring her own helium tank or do we think the show provided its own? She has the look, the class, and the profession of people who make it very far on this show, but then she starts talking in the Minnie Mouse voice and it just kills everything she had going for her. I think Whitney could make it to the top ten without speaking. Farmer Chris would think it was weird, no doubt, but not speaking is less crazy than what some of those girls will do. He’d be like, man, it’s really strange that she hasn’t spoken yet, but this other girl just threw up in her purse, so I guess I’ll keep Whitney around another week. Every time she talked last night it was like I was hearing it for the first time again, it’s that shocking.

One quick word on Amber, and I know I make everyone uncomfortable when I talk about this, but is ABC just screwing with us now? Not only did they select just one African-American woman, but also they picked the whitest-looking African-American girl I have ever seen! Kelsey had a darker complexion than this girl! I think I could be friends with Amber for 8+ years without realizing she was African-American. I can’t believe ABC did this after taking so much heat in the offseason for their lack of diversity. It’s a big middle finger from them, and we should all be insulted.

Lesson of the day, free of charge: if you talk in-depth about onions, then mention pomegranates, a field of sunflowers, and the fact that you’ve never ridden a horse all in the same sentence, then that means YOU SMOKE WEED and/or just did mushrooms. I was almost embarrassed for Ashley S. last night… almost. She was on drugs, and I refuse to believe any other theory. I bet she was horrified having to re-watch that last night. Actually, that was probably the first time she has seen any of that night, because you know she doesn’t remember being there the first time. You know what would help throw us off the scent? Try blinking at least once or twice an hour. Make a little rule: every time I think that people are starting to stare at me, try to remember to blink like a regular human at least once.

Finally, let’s talk Britt. Never have I ever seen a bachelor be that smitten over a girl on the opening night. Also, has anyone ever had a spontaneous kiss on the first night? I’m not counting psycho girls that tell the bachelor that they want to kiss him, and then give him an unwanted peck on the lips. This kiss with Britt seemed genuine, and you know, it seemed rather natural. Heed this warning: I don’t think a girl has been the focal point of opening night AND won the show. Disclaimer: I didn’t do any research on that other than just thinking about it for 20 seconds. But that would worry me if I were buying stock in Britt. She will definitely go very, very far, but I just don’t think we will see a wire-to-wire winner on this show. First out of the limo, first impression rose, first kiss; solid showing for sure, but I don’t see her taking home the comically large Neil Lane engagement ring and a first class ticket to Smalltown, Iowa. She did remind me of Sean’s Catherine, if Catherine had a fully functioning brain. (Sorry, that was probably uncalled for)

Questions that Need Answers

Does Chris Harrison have a special knife that he uses to start all toasts in the house? Do you think his initials are engraved on it? Do you think he catches eyes with a PA on the show and then the knife is brought to him in a felt case?

mackenzie bach

21-year-old Mackenzie, how are you going to name your kid Kale?? A parody artist making a mockumentary about millennials having kids wouldn’t even dare go as far to name a kid Kale. They would probably deem that too cliché. Oh man, I’m so worried for the future of our country. I don’t want to go to the bank to take out a loan to buy a house and see the name Kale slapped on the desk’s nameplate across from me. I don’t want to go to any doctor whose name is Kale. “Oh, you need a dentist? Mine’s great. His name is Kale.” That’s not happening. You have put so many limits on your kid if you name him Kale. And look, I probably eat more Kale than anyone reading this, so I have no bias here. I am a gluten free, dairy free, Kale-eating Nashvillian, so I’m not hiding behind a piece of fried chicken when I say these things. Also, she looks way younger than 21. I think her parents dropped her off at the mansion, or maybe she’s old enough to drive as long as they are in the passenger seat.

Has Farmer Chris farmed his last farm? Do we honestly think he’s returning to his work on the farm? Jade isn’t going to move back there with him, I can guarantee you that.

Is this going to be a great season? This question already has an answer: yes. I think we are in for some fun. Farmer Chris looks like he’s ready to party, which is great for the viewers.

Alright, last topic…

Bachelor Fantasy Game

I have come up with a fantasy game that I dare you not to love. I have never been a fan of the bracket games, and I didn’t really like what I did last year where we each drafted two girls, so I made some adjustments this year and came up with a new game.

Anyone can play, and there’s no limit to how many people can play per group. You just have to select three girls between the first episode and the second episode. Those three girls are your team that season. Do not select the girls draft-style; you can select some of the same girls as other people in your group.

Each week the girls will earn different point values for different things. The point list, which I will attach below, is somewhat lengthy, but I think it’s pretty bullet proof. I did not want to add so many different things on there to where I would have to psycho analyze each episode (as if I don’t already do that in order to write 3,000+ words about it).

Please feel free to play along with your friends at home. Again, you just need to choose your girls before next week’s episode. I will post each girls points for the week at the end of all of my recaps, so hopefully that makes it easier for you to keep count.

Share this game with your friends. I bet you’ll have fun.

Enjoy!

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Posted on by Jeremy Wilson in Entertainment, Featured, Misc. TV, Reality Check, Television, TV Reviews

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