My sincerest apologies for the delay on this post – my real job that actually pays me money got in the way. Don’t worry, I have found a way to prevent this from happening in the future. I set up a Kickstarter page that opens every Monday, so you can login and donate to my cause up until midnight. If I have at least $5,000 raised by midnight, then I will write a recap and post it by noon on Tuesday. If not, then you can expect a recap at some random hour on Wednesday or Thursday.
The Kickstarter page can be found at:
No, of course I didn’t create a Kickstarter for this, but I’m also not going to turn down free money. Anyway, let’s get on with it!
We did it. We survived the worst episode yet.
If you are reading this, then you too have made it to the other side. Now, you may be thinking, “Hey Jeremy, I actually enjoyed this episode. Does that make me dumb?” Absolutely not, and don’t be too hard on yourself. This week’s episode was just slightly worse than the previous three, but it would’ve been the best episode of Sean’s season, and definitely the most exciting episode of Desiree’s season.
But that’s great news! We have a good season on our hands. Best yet, we have a bachelor who doesn’t seem to care what America thinks of him, which is the best kind. No, it’s not great if you are looking for someone to truly find a spouse, but it’s great from an entertainment aspect, and that’s what we here at The Wise Guise are all about. Full disclosure, by “we here at The Wise Guise” I mean me, just me.
I would like to inform everyone that this week on the blog (just this post) we (just me) are celebrating our 2nd Annual Shameless Plug Week! (Editors note: no other facet of this blog is celebrating that or anything like that this week, or any week for that matter).
Last night we were all beaten over the head with the shameless plug of Disney’s new Cinderella movie that comes out March 13th in theaters near you! Wait, why are we calling it a new movie if, uhh, hmmm… sorry, I forgot what I was saying. I guess I was beaten over the head too many times to remember. But hey, that brings us to our first shameless plug of the week: Craftsman 16-ounce Rubber Mallet. Tired of wondering what The Bachelor keeps hitting you over the head with? Now you can own one yourself! Introducing the probably really old Craftsman 16-ounce Rubber Mallet – for that one time of the year that you need to nail a beach umbrella into the sand!
Team, it’s time to get serious.
It’s with a heavy heart that I present this next bit of news to you. If you have read any of the previous recaps, or if you have bumped into me at Publix, or really if you have seen me anywhere, then you know the love I have for Jade. She was my favorite even before the first episode and I irrationally persuaded all of you to root for her, so I feel required to tell you what I learned this week. By the way, this is not a spoiler. Why do people look at spoilers for The Bachelor? If you know who wins, why is it fun watching it still? The mystery of who wins is about all that keeps me hanging around – that, and writing a (long) recap every week… and I guess the fantasy game, too… and my history with the show and the time that I have put in over the years… ok fine, I’d still watch it, but you get the point. If you know who wins the show and you still watch it, then I think it’s safe to say you just have a bad taste in television.
Anyway, back to Jade.
Remember that shelf at Blockbuster that… well, let me back up. Remember how you used to be able to rent movies at an actual store? Ok, well one of those places was called Blockbuster, and you had to have a membership card, and if you didn’t then you would have to serve 20 years in prison. Not ringing a bell? Blockbuster was the place where you, for the first time, saw people with gauges in their ears. Yes, typically the guy with jet black hair as well.
Jade wasn’t the type of actress that you’d see in typical movies, per say. She was more of the type of actress that you had to have an ID proving you were 18 or older to rent. She acted in movies that you could only rent from that one shelf at Blockbuster that your mom would keep you away from. At a local movie rental store, Jade’s “movies” would’ve been in that side room that was separated by a beaded curtain. It’s the room where no one really makes eye contact with anything but the floor.
Right now you’re thinking, “No, it’s impossible. I just fell in love with her! She was a Disney Princess for goodness sake! A Disney Princess would never!” How do you think Cinderella got her start? She clearly has the daddy issues for it, as do all the princesses. Ariel, too – she’s the youngest of seven sisters and her dad was a high-ranking official in the undersea kingdom of Atlantica. And don’t even get me started on Jasmine, a “princess” with insane restrictions from her over-bearing father. She was clearly the type who would go on a “magic carpet ride” with anyone!
I, again, know you’re thinking, “Well you forgot about Belle.” The bookworm who longed for adventure so much that she would even pretend to love some wild beast? She would clearly give it up for anyone. As for the others: Snow White is obvious, living with seven men – she obviously has a type; Mulan, a descendent of a lady so loose that she put her life in the hands of a caged cricket; Pocahontas, of course, was born with an industry-ready name.
Did I take that further than you thought I would? Yes. Did I take that further than I imagined it going? Yep. But I say all of that to tell you that Jade is not only in good company, but also that her background is no different from some of our childhood heroes, so we can still root for her, right? This shouldn’t taint it.
Jade’s background was brought to my attention this past Monday by one of our readers. I’m sure she thought she would scare me away forever, but you know what? I’m officially doubling down on Jade! If you have room in your heart for Aurora – the naïve princess from Sleeping Beauty who was roofied at her sweet 16 before going by the stage name Briar Rose – then you have to find some room for Jade, who goes by the stage name Jade Elizabeth.
People deserve second chances, right Shinedown?
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Jade said goodbye to the, uhh, independent film making industry, and now she is saying hello to a new start!
Since you were wondering, Jade’s new start is brought to you by Bic’s Wite Out. Remember that stuff you used on paper to correct a mistake? No? Oh, you just use a computer now like everyone else? Ok, well remember that stuff that the goth kids in high school would sniff? It was probably this stuff! Bic’s Wite Out.
These girls are miserable. He can’t cut enough in just one week. I’m glad that we at least got rid of Ashley “Clinically Insane” S., Jillian “Is or soon will be a dude” Last Name, and Nikki, who quite frankly no one knew. I could stand just her alone next to Farmer Chris and ask you to point out who Nikki is and no one would still know. The only important thing to know about her is that she volunteered as tribute to be the contestant whose vocation started with the word former – Former NFL Cheerleader. Also, I think being an NFL cheerleader is a part time job, so her technical occupation was that she used to be a part time worker. I’m glad that she is now able to return home to continue to do whatever it is that she does.
Let’s get a status check on the remaining girls. And hey, these girls are sometimes hot. You know what else is sometimes hot? DJ Paul’s chicken wing seasoning and sauce! This member of Three 6 Mafia has teamed up with a company that’s probably real called First We Feast & Complex to create some seasoning and other dumb things! Need some seasoning for the wings you’re cooking for the Super Bowl? Oh, everyone just orders wings from a place that makes wings? Well, then just buy this stuff before they go out of business!
We need more Britt time. I think she takes too much unnecessary heat for the fact that she always wears makeup, or at least I’m tired of my sister ripping her for that. I like Britt, and popular opinion seems to think that she’s going to be the next Bachelorette. But Britt made one major Bachelor Oh-No-No this week: she confronted Farmer Chris about the other girls in the house – aka she acknowledged that there are other people dating the same guy she is dating.
I know that may sound like she was pointing out the obvious, but nobody is allowed an opinion but the bachelor and the bachelor only! DON’T SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO, BRITT! But man, it was so funny watching Farmer Chris fumble for words when she questioned his choices with women. Here’s a quick look at how he handled it…
Fatal flaw: She’s just not going to be some stupid pushover – the type that FC wants to find. No bachelor in this award-winning show’s history wants to marry anyone that remotely challenges him. He may break her heart deep into this season, but I could also see her leaving him.
I feel like we’ve spoken enough about Jade this week, but there’s always room for a little more. Jade’s one-on-one was about as good as it gets for a girl. She took home some major swag – shoes, jewelry – I didn’t know where it would stop. “You see these shoes you are wearing? You get to keep them. This house you are standing in, it’s now yours. Now come into the other room and select two of the contestants, they are now your personal slaves for life.” “Isn’t that illegal?” Jade would ask. “No,” says whoever the hell that lady was, “Each girl checked the box online that said they agree to the terms and conditions, and one of those was that they could be enslaved to anyone for any amount of time.” Jade would then hypothetically ask, “Why did they agree to that?” The lady would answer, “Because 1) they can’t read, and 2) they will do anything to have a 1/30 chance of finding their husband. Now pick which girl you would like to kill. This is necessary so that the girls will respect you.”
I hope, in this fictional conversation, that she chose Ashley I as the sacrifice. She’s the worst, but more on her later.
Fatal Flaw: Her “acting” background. Her only chance is if Google hasn’t made it to Iowa yet! Also, if I was the bachelor and my sister came on to pick a girl for me, then I would’ve been standing at the bottom of those stairs forever. My sister is brutally honest, so at least she would’ve run half (or all) of those girls off. If some girl told her that she did some modeling in some magazine, my sister would’ve pulled her phone out right then and there and Googled it.
I thought that Kelsey would be the one that America would deem “too good for the show,” which isn’t a thing, as I have discussed at length in the past. But now it looks like she becomes the villain of the house next week. Even this week you could see the tide starting to turn. Kelsey learned an easy lesson this week: if you talk bad about the show to the camera, the showrunners will send out a genetically modified wasp to sting you. Where do you think The Hunger Games got the idea from?
Fatal Flaw: She has been charged with the second deadliest Bachelor sin – accused of being two-faced. The first highest is not being there for the right reasons. Duh. But girls on the show do not like it when a girl acts one way in the house and then a different way around the bachelor himself. Tread lightly, K.
Kelsey’s alleged two-facedness is brought to you by Redbox and their new slogan ‘Uh Oh, we’re next to go!’ The guys at Redbox came up with that name as soon as they realized that on-demand streaming exists pretty much everywhere. Alternate slogan: Hey Blockbuster, you wanna hang out sometime?
WHY IS SHE STILL HERE? I guess her parents don’t get back for another two weeks, so they can’t pick her up until then. They dropped her off for a six-week camp, so Farmer Chris has to keep her around until then. But boy oh boy, she’s going to have some great stories when she gets back to school! She’ll be the most popular 10th grader in her class! She for sure picked Red Rover for them to play at the lake. “Guys, there’s this awesome new game we play at recess, it’s called Red Rover.”
Fatal Flaw: Not being able to legally operate a vehicle for at least another year, so Farmer Chris would have to drive Kale everywhere. Plus, she’ll be so busy with college essays and stuff that she won’t be much help around the farm.
Ok, let’s just get this over with.
Are you sitting down? You need to be sitting down before I tell you this. Here it goes… I think Ashley I. is the most delusional contestant in Bachelor history.
(pause for dramatic effect)
You can stand up now if you want. Who would you rather go on a cross-country road trip with, Ashley S. or Ashley I? I think I’d choose Ashley S. She started a conversation with Farmer Chris in a way that I have never heard before. She literally led with, “Are you?” Incredible! The girl was either 1) paid by ABC to do this, or 2) she’s a real person in desperate need of help.
But Ashley I. is intolerable. Hey, WE GET IT! YOU ARE A VIRGIN! Stop acting like you’re a sexual predator that is new to the neighborhood and you are legally required to alert everyone of your presence! Also, “everyone tells you that you remind them of a Disney Princess?” By everyone, do you mean the girl on the other side of the mirror? I can’t handle this girl anymore. I want to punch her in the face, but I’m not going to do that. No, not because that’s wrong, but more because I’d have to hit or 10 or 11 times before I broke through just the first level of makeup.
Fatal Flaw: Everything about her. Be more specific? Her split personality and overall vibe. Be less specific? No, stop asking questions. I’m tired of talking about her.
In part two of the Virgin Diaries, Becca revealed that she was (is?) also a virgin. You know how she did it? She said, “Yeah, I’m a virgin too,” and then she went about her night like a normal person.
Becca is a rising star. For SEC football fans, I’m pretty sure that her brother-in-law is Jacob Hester, former running back for LSU. He’s also the guy known for ripping Florida’s heart out back in 2009, which made him a cult hero in the Wilson house. Anyway, I like Becca. She seems normal-ish, but she’s been laying low – laying low just like Catherine did in Sean’s terrible season.
Fatal Flaw: She won’t be whorish enough for Farmer Chris. We still don’t know what type of girl he’s into just yet, but I think his type is trending toward playboy bunny and/or Canadian stripper.
Kaitlyn likes to party. Farmer Chris likes to party. Therefore, we have ourselves a match!
I like Kaitlyn, but I’m not all in on her. I can’t get over the triceps tats. Back in the recap of episode one I mentioned that she should have her own one-hour special on Netflix, and since then I have only been pushed more towards thinking that. She’s funny, and not like cute funny, but like really bitchy funny. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but great for The Bachelor. She could win this thing, but if not I still expect her to make a deep run.
Fatal Flaw: She’ll get sloppy drunk while eating with Farmer Chris’ family, which will end in her shedding some clothes and passing out during their (bullsh*t) nightly game of hide and seek. Side note: how did they transport enough booze for these girls on the camping trip? They probably had one F-150 truck full of all of the camping supplies, then four 18-wheelers for all of the alcohol. Double side note: no way those girls built their own tents. Gosh, poor Bachelor interns / lucky Bachelor interns.
Insert helium joke, blah blah blah, and another joke about her helium voice. This walking Pinterest board is just so boring to me. So boring, in fact, that I don’t have much to say about her, nor do I totally remember what she did this past episode. Was she there? Is she staying at a different hotel or something? I guess I won’t notice her until (insert some joke about her helium voice).
Fatal Flaw: She won’t pick the correct accent to use at the correct time. She’s from Louisville, but she now lives in Chicago, and she carries both accents in her back pocket at all times. One minute she sounds like the Little Rock, Arkansas version of Minnie Mouse, then the next she sounds like Minnie Mouse wearing a Green Bay Packers Cheese Head. Pick one, boring girl!
Another rising star in our midst. Am I alone in my liking of Carly? I totally understand if you wrote her off after her karaoke entrance into the house, or after you found out that she was a cruise ship singer, but I like her. I think she’s cute, but she’s probably too nice for Farmer Chris.
Fatal Flaw: When someone you’ve never met, i.e. FC’s sisters, asks you about your previous boyfriends, don’t immediate break into tears and say, “A guy has never been nice to me!” Not a good look. This random crying will be the death of her on this show.
Right now you are repeating the name Samantha out loud and racking your brain to think of who she is. You’re not alone. Samantha falls into the “Nobody knows you” category. She may be cool, or she may be a trained assassin. There’s no way to know. The most we know about her so far is that she has dark hair.
Fatal Flaw: Her dark hair is either too dark for Farmer Chris or not dark enough for Farmer Chris. Again, that’s just using what we know about her.
Megan is the Nashvillian that went on a date to the Grand Canyon and hasn’t talked to Farmer Chris since. I feel bad for her though, because she can’t find a bathing suit top that’s her right size. Gosh, maybe we should start a Kickstarter for her. Just a thought.
Fatal Flaw: She’s going to drink too much and wander off one day when they are overseas, never to be heard from again.
We had two new scores pop up this week: 5 points for Ashley I. successfully sneaking out to find Farmer Chris, and 2 points for Jade for the private concert.
Thanks for following along, and we’ll (just me) will see you next week!
Britt: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 6
Jade: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (advancing) = 3; 3 (one-on-one), 1 (rose on one-on-one), 2 (private concert) 1 (advancing) = 10
Kelsey: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 6
Ashley I: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group), 5 (sneaking out with success), 1 (advancing) = 10
Whitney: 1 (advancing) = 1; 3 (one-on-one), 1 (one-on-one rose), 1 (advancing) = 6; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 8
Kaitlin: 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 5; 3 (one-on-one), 1(rose on one-on-one), 1 (advancing) = 10; 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 15
Becca: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 7; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 9
Carly: 1 (advancing) = 1; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 5
Megan: 3 (one-on-one), 2 (helicopter ride), 1 (one-on-one rose), 1 (advancing) = 7; 1 (advancing) = 8; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 10
Mackenzie: 1 (group), 3 (rose before the ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 5; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 7; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 9
Samantha: 1 (advancing) = 1; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 5
Jillian: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group) X
Ashley S: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group) X
Juelia: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 4; 1 (group) X
Nikki: 1 (advancing) = 1; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group) X
Tandra: 1 (group), (X) = 1
Tracy: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) X = 3
Jordan: (X) = 0
Tara: 1 (group), (X) = 1 X
Alissa: 1 (group), (X) = 1
Amber: 1 (group), 2 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group) X, = 4
Kimberly: 1 (group), (X) = 1 (group)