Alternate Titles: Chris kissed me and all I got was this lousy t-shirt; or, Jillian’s little black box; or, Big time players make big time plays, and in this case the big time player is Jade.
Dear Friends Who Watched Farmer Chris Kiss Everyone on Television Last Night,
I must confess a few things before we get started…
I confess that I thought we were headed for a boring season, a Sean Lowe season, or a Desiree season. Boy was I wrong or what? Don’t be the guy that says, “Or what?” It’s not funny, and it was never funny.
Farmer Chris likes to party. Holy cow (farm burn)! During his time on Andi’s season, we all thought he was the smart, conservative Midwesterner that always makes a deep run on the show but never quite reaches the summit. He was also the voice of reason in the house during Andi’s season, calling out Nick’s behavior in front of the fellas, taking the part of the lovable third place contestant during the Men Tell All episode, and then becoming the fan favorite for his good-guyness – his I-would-want-my-daughter-to-date-that-guy aura.
But now I confess that I counted my chickens before they hatched (DOUBLE FARM BURN)! This dude showed up to our collective front door and kicked it down with authority. He gets it, he understands the show. He may or may not be there to find his wife, but he is for sure there to have a good time. I think, before the show started, he took a step back and looked at it from a zoomed out view. Instead of thinking that he has 30 women to choose a wife from, he’s looking at it from an angle that makes for the most entertaining season. He’s thinking, “Ok, I get to date 20-something beautiful girls, and every couple of days there will be a few less girls. When will this ever again happen in my life? Never. Also, I already know the three who I really like, so I’m going to party with the others, because no one can say anything to me. No one.” If this internal dialogue bothers you, then I have one key piece of advice: don’t hate the player, hate the game.
This is how the show is set up, and he’s just taking full advantage of it. He’s living like a man who knows how many days he has left in life, albeit his Bachelor life, and he’s taking full advantage of it. A free pass has been given to him, and it expires in a few months, but he’s not letting it go to waste. However, the fine print on the pass reads, “All of this will be filmed and aired on television. Also, some random guy in Nashville will write way, way too much about it each week – like whatever amount of words you are thinking he will write, like whatever seems far-fetched, double it. Double that amount.” Boring seasons happen when the bachelor or bachelorette really tries to find their soul mate (gag), but that’s not what we have here. Each Monday night (so far) has been entertaining television. We aren’t counting sheep for two hours each Monday (TRIPLE FARM BURN). Bravo, Farmer Chris. Take a bow.
I have one more confession to make, and this is from the bottom of my full-sized aortic pump. In regards to the fantasy game, I should’ve had everyone pick at least four girls. Is this because I lost one of my three girls during the second episode? Yes, but that’s less of me being bitter and more of it being an eye-opener to a flawed system. For instance, my team now is mathematically eliminated in my fantasy league because other people have the two girls I have left plus another girl. So three was too few, and five felt like too many, so maybe four is the right answer. But hey, you live and you learn. There’s no blueprint for life, right? Oh, there is? And it says to not wake up early every Tuesday morning to write too much about a televised dating show? Well, I guess there’s no blueprint that fits my life in particular.
Jimmy Kimmel Takeover
At the beginning of this week’s episode, Chris Harrison begrudgingly told the girls that there would be a new man in their lives this week, and in walked Jimmy Kimmel. Of the 23 girls that were still around, you know that at least four of them had smiles that said, “Who is that?” and two of those four thought that Jimmy was the new bachelor. Looking at you, Mackenzie! Then Kimmel made the joke about sleeping with all of them, which they laughed off, but again, you know at least one girl thought that was actually going to happen. STILL LOOKING AT YOU, MACKENZIE! Actually, I’ll just say that Jimmy walked in and talked to 22 of the girls. We won’t count Ashley S., who seemed to be under a Quaaludes spell all episode. Seriously, how do you go from being the Masa Verde Zombie Hunter to just living in the shadows for an entire episode? I guess that’s the special quality that every psycho has – the ability to be unseen one moment, but then completely batsh*t crazy the next.
Anyway, Jimmy Kimmel was given quite the all-access pass this week. He was given the Make-A-Wish kid treatment – he got to do whatever he wanted. He went on a one-on-one date, a group date, and he even got to say one of the most iconic phrases in television history: “Ladies, Chris, this is the final rose tonight. (Motions to the bachelor) When you’re ready.”
I couldn’t decide if I was tired of him being on the episode or if I was just jealous. Easy answer, I was super jealous. Guys, actually I should probably rephrase that… Girls, my birthday is April 12th. That’s 81 days away according to the countdown timer on timeanddate.com that appears when you Google ‘birthday countdown clock.’ 81 days seems like enough time for one of you to at least inquire to ABC or someone at The Bachelor to see if they would let me come shadow the crew for an episode. If, and when, you do so, please don’t mention that I’ve never missed a season of The Bachelor unless it helps my chances at receiving the all-access pass. Tell them I want the full Kimmel treatment.
The best thing that Kimmel did on the show was introducing the Amazing Jar, where every time someone said the word amazing they had to put a dollar in the jar. Avoiding the word amazing was challenging for the ladies, but finding a dollar after saying it wasn’t too difficult considering that half of them get paid primarily in one’s at their job back home. *Reaches up to pick the low-hanging fruit that comes with a stripper joke*
Other ideas for money jars in the house: Anytime someone’s bathing suit and/or shorts have to be censored by the black box – JILLIAN!!; anytime someone wears heels with a bathing suit to a pool party… Oh wait, that was Jade? You know, on second thought, I think her high heels looked classy. They brought a certain elegance to the party that I think was absent prior to her shoe choice; anytime someone sticks up for a girl on the show that they don’t know and have only seen on camera for maybe 6 total minutes… I love you Jade. There, I’m not afraid to put a dollar in the jar for the sake of love; anytime Farmer Chris kisses more than 6 girls in less than an hour; anytime a girl says that she would have no problem with living in Iowa before actually visiting Iowa just once; anytime the show has some farm-themed date… WE GET IT, HE IS A #%$@#^%$&# FARMER!
The list could go on and on, but we can only fit so many jars in the mansion. Plus, the mansion is already full with the contestants’ baggage – more emotional baggage than actual, physical baggage; I’d say it’s a 5-1 ratio of emotional baggage to physical baggage, and that’s not to say that these ladies didn’t bring their fair share of physical baggage.
Costco is for Lovers
Friends, there are two types of people in this world: 1) people who will tell you that you have something in your teeth, and 2) people who won’t. I, for one, am the first type of person. The second type of person often calls the first type of person a phrase that I believe comes from Latin: total assholes. I have heard this phrase too many times to count, a number so high that no website calculator would dare count that high. Maybe I haven’t heard that phrase as much as I can just see it on someone’s face – oh man, this person thinks I’m a total asshole.
For instance, one of my friends – I won’t name names, so let’s just call her Laine – recently went on her honeymoon with her husband Ross, also a name that I’m just making up. While on her honeymoon she posted a picture on Instagram from Cozumel, Mexico. The picture received many likes, as you’d imagine a newlywed would receive, and plenty of comments like, “Yayyyyyyyyyy (emoji, emoji, emoji).” However, I noticed that she typed her location as Cozomel, replacing the ‘u’ with an ‘o’. I clicked on the location of Cozomel on her Instagram post, and it said, “Cozomel, Mexico. Zero people have been here.”
What I very well could’ve done was double-tap the picture, and then continue scrolling through my feed. But what I did was comment on how she misspelled Cozumel, stating, “Since it’s your honeymoon I won’t point out that you misspelled Cozumel. Typically I would mention that, but again, I’m not going to do it (Thumbs up emoji).”
If you are like my mother, who is a classic second-typer, you’ll say, “Oh, don’t be mean. There’s no reason to do that.” But I’m here to say that it’s my duty as a lifelong first-typer to help my friends out, whether they see it as help or not. Just last night I was watching this episode of The Bachelor with Laine and Ross, and I brought it up to Laine to make sure that we were still friends. She gave me a hard time about it, which is exactly what she should’ve done. But then, once she saw Jimmy Kimmel on the screen, she admitted that she called him Jimmy Kinnel for a long time when she was younger, and NO ONE CORRECTED HER. I didn’t know Laine (again, just a made up name) until college, so I’m in the clear, but her friends growing up should’ve pointed that out to her. They would have a quick laugh about it, but then Laine would know his last name is actually Kimmel. That’s the danger of surrounding yourself with second-typers.
I say all of that because I think Kaitlyn is a first-typer. She speaks her mind with a blunt, straightforwardness that we aren’t used to seeing on the show, and quite frankly, a style that Farmer Chris probably isn’t too familiar with. Just off of the top of my head, I think Courtney (who I heard wrote a book) is one of, if not the only first-typer to ever win the show. Michelle Money would be another example of a first-typer, but with a little more sass. Michelle is the kind of a first-typer that people actually like, though. Courtney is just an unfiltered first-typer who doesn’t pick up on social cues, or just doesn’t care about social cues. Social cues are important, people, but we’ll save that lecture for another day.
What I think attracts me to Kaitlyn is her first-type mentality, because it’s rare on the show. Too often the bachelor is looking for a bunch of Yes girls, someone that isn’t going to challenge them at all or threaten to change any part of their lifestyle. They just look for someone that fits while disregarding that the other person is in fact a person too. I think that’s a component of why Andi and Josh didn’t workout, because Josh was looking for someone who he could just attach onto his life without changing a damn thing, and Andi wasn’t cool with that.
(Someone leans in and whispers in my ear)
Oh, right. This blog is supposed to be funny. Let’s get back to that.
You know you’ve been through some sh*t, or you’ve seen some stuff if you have triceps tats. I’m a little more used to seeing them on a professional athlete, and it’s usually just their initials or it says ‘Family’ on one arm and ‘First’ on the other – or if you’re Andrew Quarless it says ‘God’s Gift’ and you hopefully lost a bet. P.S.—I don’t think he lost a bet, I think it was on purpose. Not that I have anything against tattoos, I just have no desire to get one because I’m a pansy and I think it would hurt. But I do have something against triceps tattoos.
Anyway, how upset would you be if you got a date card for a one-on-one, then got all dressed and ready only to find that it was a trip to Costco and dinner at home that you (aka the producers) have to grill? You know who goes on that kind of date? Millions of Americans, daily. This is just one episode removed from when a girl was flown on a private jet to Vegas, man, it’s twenty bread each pick cause I’m major, man, we can cruise the world in a Bently Azure, but don’t worry the chauffer open the door, you couldn’t ask for more cause we got it all (we got it all), cause you my baby girl, right? Right? Sunshine, I can call you my baby boy, you can call me your baby girl, maybe we can spend some time (some time), I can be your sunshine.
Shout out to Lil Flip and Lea! Great song.
Anyway, as I was saying… a girl the previous week took a private jet to Vegas (trying to fight off the urge to type those lyrics again), and was then helicoptered into the base of the Grand Canyon for a picnic. This week? You get into an inflatable tube with Farmer Chris and get pushed around by some little kids who were probably extras making $8 an hour. Awful. If I’m Kaitlyn, I want to repel down a skyscraper, or even drive tractors in downtown L.A., I want to do something very Bachelor-esque. They’re just running out of ideas for dates. Next, they’ll probably crash some staged wedding – spoiler. The only redeeming quality was that it was a dinner with Jimmy Kimmel, which is pretty cool.
The only reason Kaitlyn is so into Farmer Chris and has no problem with moving to Iowa is because anything is an upgrade from Canada! (Canada burn). That also explains why FC is kissing all these girls nonstop – you would too if you grew up in a town with less than 500 people. Suddenly he’s surrounded by beautiful (and mentally unstable) girls who are ALL into him. What’s a small-town farmer from Iowa supposed to do?
That also looked like Farmer Chris’ first ever trip to a grocery store. He is a millionaire, people. You know how rich people look so out of place at Target, or leaving a Duane Reade? That’s how FC looked to me. He looked about as uncomfortable as Jimmy Kimmel looked when Kaitlyn said, “You can’t take out a car without test driving it,” referring to the fantasy suite.
Alright, enough of her.
(Staged) Wedding Crashers
Show of hands, how many of you just hate-watched Whitney’s one-on-one date? Everyone? Ok, well how many people hate her just because of her voice? Still everyone? That’s what I assumed. Let’s not pick the low hanging fruit, being her voice, because that’s not the reason we don’t like her.
We don’t like her because she is the kind of person who does everything just too perfectly. Always dressed to the nines; never late for anything; always brings a thoughtful, hand-made gift to a party; has her day planned out to the second with neon sticky notes all over her paper planner; never told a joke in her life. She’s that girl in school who reminds the teacher that the homework is due, and then she turns it in with some laminated cover page with color-coded tabs all over it. Looking at you, unnamed student I went to high school with!
But come on, Bachelor producers. Are you really wanting us to believe that crashing that wedding was spontaneous? Just admit that the date itinerary read, “Dinner at 6pm. Crash wedding at 7pm.” Nice work by all of those extras at the wedding. Hopefully they got some overtime pay for that. Also, Whitney just looks like the kind of person you would see at a wedding. I wish I could explain that further, but I honestly can’t.
A few major red flags came up during this date. First, she knew her bouquet-catching stats off the top of her head. That sent shivers up my spine. I hate the bouquet and garter toss. In fact, at Ross and Laine’s wedding – my friends with the fake names – they didn’t even do a bouquet and garter toss. I was so proud of them for this. Only people like Whitney enjoy the bouquet toss because she’s delusional enough to think that she will actually be the next person to get married. The only person who actually tries to catch those things is some creepy cousin who has an undisclosed motive. Then you have to get a picture with this guy, if you’re the bride and groom, and that’s only going to ruin your wedding album.
Second red flag was when Whitney suggested that they pretend that they are recently engaged. Farmer Chris, does someone need to shoot a flare gun into the sky for you to see how crazy that is?? SHE’S INSANE. The only people who fake engagements are ones who will then slip something in your drink to which you will wake up five hours later from and suddenly you’re wearing a wedding band because SHE ROOFIED YOU SO THAT SHE COULD MARRY YOU! Run, Farmer Chris.
Side note: just because a guy can do the shopping cart dance or the “I’m a fish” dance doesn’t mean he’s a good dancer. That means he’s a white guy, and his last move is the air-traffic controller. After that, he’s gone, and you can find him at the open bar.
Quick thoughts from the pool party…
1) They should always have pool parties instead of formal cocktail parties. That was awesome, especially when there are that many girls left. The specific number of girls left: too many.
2) Hey Farmer Chris, Talan from Laguna Beach called and he really wants his choker necklace back. (Come on, Jeremy. You’re already writing about The Bachelor each week – do you really need to bring up a forgotten character from Laguna Beach?) (You’re right, self conscious, my bad)
3) Hey gang, what’s the quickest way to ruin a pool party? Oh, I know, how about pulling Farmer Chris aside at the very beginning and telling him the most traumatic story in the show’s history? Correct!
I’m not going to make comments about Juelia’s story because it is brutal and so sad, and I’m sorry she had to go through that. No one should have to go through that. However, was the alcohol-laced pool party really the time to drop that bomb on him? As soon as she pulled him aside you could hear the backup beep of the dump truck full of emotional wear and tear that she was about to dump on him. That’s at least a two-hour conversation, at least, and like a ‘I know this guy really well’ story. That’s not a ‘Hey, I know you’re not totally sure what my last name is, but here’s this awful thing that happened to me’ story. Why do the girls keep doing this? If he’s interested in you, then you’ll have the proper time to tell him. If not, then keep that card close to your chest. Now we all know that story.
4) Finally, my girl Jade made a huge play! Anyone can run around and make plays throughout the game, but true champions (Jade) make the biggest play when it really matters. In this scenario, that big play was “taking a tour” of FC’s house, or whatever she called it. I’m simply writing this to tell you that you are welcome aboard the Jade bandwagon, just know that I’ll be driving the bus. Then, as if it could get any better, Farmer Chris accidentally said her name at the beginning of the rose ceremony instead of Jimmy Kimmel’s name! Now y’all know how I feel, I’ve been accidentally saying her name for weeks. Ok, too weird again. I’m sorry.
Kaitlyn and Whitney racked up some points this week for their one-on-one dates. Becca was second in points this week receiving the group date rose. I’m not buying any Becca stock yet, but we’re keeping an eye on her (I’m not sure who ‘we’ is).
I look forward to our more outlandish rules coming into play in future episodes. Scores are listed below, and total scores for the season are listed in bold.
See you next week!
Britt: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4
Jade: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (advancing) = 3
Tandra: 1 (group), (X) = 1
Tracy: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) X = 3
Kelsey: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4
Jillian: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) 1 (advancing) = 4
Jordan: (X) = 0
Ashley I: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (advancing) = 3
Tara: 1 (group), (X) = 1 X
Whitney: 1 (advancing) = 1; 3 (one-on-one), 1 (one-on-one rose), 1 (advancing) = 6
Kaitlin: 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 5; 3 (one-on-one), 1(rose on one-on-one), 1 (advancing) = 10
Alissa: 1 (group), (X) = 1
Amber: 1 (group), 2 (advancing) = 3; 1 (group) X, = 4
Becca: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 3 (rose before ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 7
Carly: 1 (advancing) = 1; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 3
Megan: 3 (one-on-one), 2 (helicopter ride), 1 (one-on-one rose), 1 (advancing) = 7; 1 (advancing) = 8
Mackenzie: 1 (group), 3 (rose before the ceremony), 1 (advancing) = 5; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 7
Kimberly: 1 (group), (X) = 1 (group)
Samantha: 1 (advancing) = 1; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 3
Ashley S: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 4
Trina: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group) X = 3
Juelia: 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 2; 1 (group), 1 (advancing) = 4