Editors note: Each week I will be sharing the three hottest stories coming out of the Nashville area. These stories have been hand-selected due to the importance of the community. This is absolutely not a spinoff of The Onion — the only similarities are the general story ideas, the way they are written, and the format. -Jeremy Wilson
New Branding Agency Discovers Unfinished Brick Wall near Reception
Just when a new branding agency was set to close their Sylvan Park office for good, they finally caught the break they’d been dreaming about.
“I don’t want to use hyperbole, but it was a miracle sent straight from the hands of God,” claimed Finn, one of the branding agency’s four co-founders.
Last Wednesday, this four-or-five-lettered-action-verb-named branding agency – the name has slipped our minds right now – held an emergency office meeting first thing in the morning at 11:00am central time to inform employees about their imminent doom.
“We didn’t want to be “that workplace”, you know?” said co-founder Trav, using over-exaggerated air quotes. “We want happy employees, so we ask that they come in by 11:00am or as close to that time as they can.”
Halfway through the emergency meeting, Mitt, another co-founder, was leaning against a bookcase near reception. Feeling overwhelmed with both fear and anger, Mitt turned around and slammed his porcelain cup of triple-caffeinated black tea against the wall, causing debris to fly through the air in every direction. It was then that Kelv, the fourth and final co-founder, stopped his speech and walked over towards reception, placing his hands on the wall right where Mitt smashed his cup. The painted drywall had been destroyed, and under it laid the original, unfinished brick wall that they had always dreamed of when they started this four-or-five-lettered-action-verb-named branding agency.
“It was the exact sign that we had been waiting for. I immediately got on the phone and asked my rich mom and dad, our core investors, for another $20,000 to put into the company,” Kelv said.
The four-or-five-lettered-action-verb-named branding agency has now used this newfound, unfinished brick wall to energize their entire company. They’re even rumored to have set up two different meetings this month to attempt to land at least one client – but they are first waiting for the new shipment of logoed pens, lanyards, tank tops, and plastic sunglasses to arrive before doing anything too “workish”.
“My real name is Brian,” Mitt admitted. “Why do you ask?”
Titans’ Punter Files for Workplace Malpractice
Only hours after the Cleveland Browns completed an NFL record-setting road comeback in Nashville, rallying from a 25-point deficit to defeat the Tennessee Titans, things took an even worse turn for the Titans.
“You could hear it clear as day from the media room,” claimed a Titans beat reporter. “Coach Whisenhunt even covered his ears on multiple occasions to block out the noise during his press conference.”
That noise was a spirited phone call being made from Titans’ punter Brett Kern to his lawyer, Rick Eidson. Kern placed the call to Eidson from the locker room when he was sure that he was the only player left in there. What he was screaming, however, became public knowledge almost instantly.
“Yeah, first we heard ‘oh my God, oh my God, they’re trying to kill me,’ which was then followed by, ‘my (expletive)-ing leg is going to fall off’,” answered a local radio host.
Fans, players, and media members were expecting a public apology on Monday morning from the fiery punter, but the statement Kern and his lawyer released was anything but apologetic.
“Thanks to all for coming today. As you all know, it has been a challenging first five games of the season here in Nashville. Things were looking up when we beat the Chiefs in Kansas City, but now our situation has quickly turned. I’d like to announce, alongside my lawyer, that I have filed a lawsuit for workplace malpractice against the Tennessee Titans, but more specifically, the entire offensive staff.
As the punter, I knew that I would have a busy year with Jake Locker at the helm. But now, with Jake not showing any signs of durability or just any ability, I have reached my boiling point. With Jake out of the lineup, we are left with Charlie Whitehurst and Zach Mettenberger – two men who share the look of someone who is backpacking through Europe trying to find himself. And on top of that, our leading rusher is Shonn Green. Yes, that Shonn Green.
As far as I see it, our offensive staff is exercising pure, unhidden negligence, along with showing no respect for me, my leg, my family, and my career. I know that some of you are thinking that other punters in the league may have it worse, including my good friend Ryan Quigley, punter for the New York Jets. But, in his case, Geno Smith turns the ball over enough to take some pressure off of his leg. I, however, play for the Tennessee Titans – home of the fastest three-and-out in professional football.”
Kern quickly left the podium to return to his weekly practice regimen of stretching, drinking a smoothie, then stretching a bit more.
Study: “Nashville” Filter on Instagram does not Revert Pictures back to “No Filter”
Emily Dodd, a fifth-year senior and Liberal Arts major at Tennessee State University, knew she was on the cusp of something big when she first started working on her final senior project.
“This may be hard to believe, but I actually came up with the idea one day when I was pretending to read at Centennial Park,” whined Dodd.
A native of Paris, Tennessee, Dodd has been a resident of Nashville since 2010 and an Instagram user since late 2012. Her 227 followers know her most for her pictures of sunrises, sunsets, and incredibly staged aerial-shots of food and coffee. That afternoon in the park is when her creative juices unveiled a brilliant idea.
“I had just taken like ten or twelve selfies of me laying in the grass looking away from the camera and laughing,” said Dodd. “ And while looking for the perfect filter that would make me look like my life was better than it actually is, I realized what if I used the Nashville filter while physically being in Nashville? Like what would happen?”
Dodd then returned to her apartment, went straight to her room and blogged about the whole thing. It was this blog post that soon turned into her senior project.
“This work is actually way better than what I anticipated out of her,” claimed Dodd’s teacher, Margaret Greene, as she took the last drag of her cigarette. “This is the first project that she seems to give a damn about.”
As it turns out, using the “Nashville” Instagram filter while in Nashville does not change the picture back to normal – just like everyone already knew. Inspired by her findings, Dodd has plans to visit Valencia, Spain — pending if she ever chooses the perfect passport photo — to see if the same theory applies overseas.