The Bachelor: Juan Pablo in Hobbiton

Juan Pablo in White Chair

I am in a fantasy league centered on The Bachelor. There, I said it.

When I moved to Nashville in early January, a few of my friends had a group of people that they watched The Bachelor with, and I was fortunate enough to be adopted into this inner circle of reality TV watchers. We then decided to make things interesting and created a fantasy league for this season. We had a draft after the first episode, giving all nine of us two contestants each. Every week I send out an email recap to our group, and this week I decided to share it with my friends on The Wise Guise.

(Disclaimer: I have watched The Bachelor for a long time. Too long, some may argue. I was hooked from the moment that Trista was told she had one, and then the guy pulled the old switch on her, which then landed her as the first Bachelorette. Ok, that’s enough of a history lesson.)

AND THEN THERE WERE SIX…

Down the stretch we go!

What we learned this week…

Cassandra and Chelsea

1) New Zealand is Ohio. Ohio is New Zealand. I believe Chelsea’s exact quote was, “This reminds me so much of Ohio… minus the hills.” With our girl Cassandra gone, Chelsea might be stepping into the dumbest-contestant role. She has large shoes to fill.

2) Speaking of Cassandra, we learned a valuable lesson this week: Juan Pablo doesn’t care if it’s your birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Venezuela Day, Easter, or Yom Kippur… HE IS HERE TO FIND LOVE AND LOVE ONLY! Poor Cassie… all she wanted was for her boyfriend (who was currently dating 7 other women) to just acknowledge that it was her bday. Instead, Juanny P waited until a gentle rain fell upon Hobbiton to take Miss Former NBA Dancer outside to then send her back to Michigan and her son. This sent a message to the ladies that JP can send you home whenever the damn well pleases!

3) Juan Pablo’s English is getting worse every week. He was so determined early on to speak clearly and concisely, but now he’s just getting lazy. He’s not ashamed to ask what certain expressions mean, such as “Bolt,” “Cut to the chase,” and “Bland.” Could you imagine spending your life with someone who doesn’t understand any basic expressions or sayings? Well, lets be real… no one on this show will be spending their life with Juan Pablo.

4) The race to the finish is going to be tight. Juan Pablo likes/loves too many women at this stage of the show. My rankings: 1) Clare (Clay-er), 2) Sharleen (Shah-leen), 3) Nikki (Nee-kee), 4) Renee (pronounced correctly), 5) Andi (Ahn-dee), 6) Chelsea (Chell-la-see). I think there is a major drop-off from 4 to 5, and I would be genuinely surprised if we get to see Andi and Chelsea’s hometown.

5) Which one of these is not like the other… which one of these just doesn’t belong? A) South Korea, B) Vietnam, C) New Zealand, D) Miami. If you voted Miami, you win! Here’s my theory on why they are heading back to the US so soon. Before the season started, the producers sat Juan Pablo down in a room, and the conversation went down like this…

Producer 1: Juan Pablo, thanks for coming in, but you’re 6 hours late.

JP: Sorry, I thought my Corolla could drive through water.

Producer 1: We told you that you will GET to try that on the show. Not all cars can do that.

JP: Ok, but make sure there’s a really dumb passenger in there with me.

Producer 1: There’s a girl named Cassandra, she’ll be perfect for it.

Producer 2: Anyway, Juan Pablo, here’s your passport. We’ll be traveling overseas quite a bit over the next few months. Is there anywhere in particular that you want to go?

JP: Particular… what does that mean?

Producer 1: Juan, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?

JP: Miami!

(Silence)

Producer 2: Juan, we are giving you the opportunity to travel literally ANYWHERE on the planet, for free, with a group of beautiful women who all want your hand in marriage.

JP: What does that mean?

Producer 1: Dammit, Juan!

Producer 2: Ok, I can’t work with this guy. It’s time to bring in the most patient and understanding person in reality TV history.

Chris Harrison: Juan Pablo, great to see you again. I can’t wait to walk you through this journey to find love.

JP: Chris, they keep asking me insane questions about world geography.

Chris: It’s ok, Juan. Let’s make this easy…

JP: I just don’t want Camilla to see her daddy kissing lots of womens on TV.

Producer 1: What does that have to do with anything?!

(Chris adjusts his pencil thin tie)

Chris: Juan Pablo, I want you to close your eyes. Now focus, and name as many countries as you can.

JP: Florida, California, New York, Miami.

(Producer 2 leaves the room, slams the door)

Chris: Those aren’t countries. Think, Juan, think.

JP: Ok. South Korea, Vietnam, New Zealand…

(The door swings back open)

Producer 1: Oh my gosh, those are actually countries!

Producer 2: Quick, book those flights!!

JP: And Miami.

————————–

Water Car

Ok, I got a little carried away there. Back to the action…

6) Sharleen is going to walk, right? I can’t imagine a world where someone as sophisticated as Sharleen would want to even share a cab with someone as, um, simple as Juan Pablo. I’ll be disappointed if she sticks around. However, I can’t forget my own golden rule– if you’re on the Bachelor, then there’s something a little off with you. No contestant can be “too good for the Bachelor.” Something is just off if you went through all of the trouble of applying for this reality show.

7) Clare be crazy, y’all. She and Juan Pablo deserve each other. I love how she wanted an apology for their “swim” in the ocean, but all she got was JP reiterating that what Clare did was wrong. How can Juan Pablo pretend that he didn’t want to go to the ocean with her? It took him about 2.3 seconds to change into his bathing suit and hop in the warm ocean. Clare should win this season.

8) I don’t feel bad for JP’s daughter right now. I feel bad for her when she gets old enough to watch this season and understand what her dad was up to! Poor Camilla. She’s also screwed in the stepmom department unless Renee wins. Run for the hills, young Camilla!

9) Speaking of kids, is Renee’s 8 year old son Ben watching this season? I know, no 8 year old should watch this show, but I feel like Renee is sitting in her Sarasota home forcing little Ben to watch. If Renee wins, poor Ben will have Juan Pablo as a stepdad. An 8 year old will have to explain the back of cereal boxes to his stepdad. Yikes.

10) This season kind of sucks. I would argue that it is more entertaining than Sean’s season, but it can’t come near Ben F’s. Ok, stop. I know that Sean was a nice guy, but that’s bad for TV. The Bachelor needs a wild 20-something that isn’t totally focused on finding a wife. That formula has worked well in the past. Remember the Firestone guy? (That was for you life-long fans). Anyway, I’m not sure how this season will end or who will win, but I am sure that the Bachelor franchise will not pick up their 5th couple to get married after the show.

Long live The Bach!

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Posted on by Jeremy Wilson in Entertainment, Featured, Reality Check, Television

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