I’m full of sage wisdom. Even before I was a parent, I knew that you should never push a child off a bicycle… unless you’re trying to teach them some sort of lesson. Like all new fathers, the minute my son was born I discovered that I instantly knew everything there is to know about life and how to raise a child. Because little Walt is not old enough to comprehend my erratic speech patterns, I’ve decided to share my thoughts with The Wise Guise.
This blog post is merely a random collection of ponderings from my vantage point atop Mount Fatherhood, which is where I drop boulders of pithy knowledge upon innocent bystanders like you. These writings may not be cohesive or well put together, but that’s just like life or parenting or something like that.
Now no one can teach you how to be a parent. BUT if they could, they would probably start by telling you the 10 things you need to know about babies that doctors WON’T tell you.
1. For the first few weeks, babies sleep almost continuously, and will only wake up during the brief moment you start to doze off.
3. Babies need lots of love and attention, so have the TV tuned to a channel that will mimic this so you can go do other stuff.
4. All babies are good luck, but you’ll need a disguise to get them near the blackjack tables.
5. Each baby is completely different, so don’t believe ANYTHING anyone says about your baby.
6. After a bath, a baby’s hair can stand straight up and make him look like a little mad scientist.
7. Babies eat, like, all the time.
8. It’s never too soon to tell your wife that her baby loves you more than her.
9. When you look into your baby’s eyes you see a mirror image of your own soul, so never look your baby in the eye.
10. Babies cannot tell when you’re being passive aggressive, but you’ll still know and it feels good.
Hopefully this list will help you all get started on becoming better parents to your babies. For those of you that do not have children, work to rectify this problem. I paid good money to Baptist Hospital for Walt, which means he’s mine and I legally own him. I have a receipt and everything. If you can’t afford that route, go out and steal a baby immediately. I know it’s kidnapping, but as everyone says, being a parent is worth it.