Last night’s Bachelor was full of all kinds of ups and downs, and left me with more questions than answers. The hometown week took Sean and his ladies to four different destinations, where things were awkward and boring and blahblahblabhlablhab. All you need to know is that:
1. Ash Lee speaks almost entirely in metaphors, and we’re all pretty sure we could write her young adult novel of her life, describing her fear of abandonment in excruciating detail and also mentioning, again, that she was married when she was seventeen.
2. Catherine’s view of marriage is sort of like going to a new restaurant. When her sisters ask her if she wants to marry Sean, she tells them: “If he proposed, I’d be like, yeah, let’s try this!” And also, like, does the chicken come with mashed potatoes? And do you guys have any gluten free beer? Side note and quick piece of advice to CatCat: if Sean was that close to sending you home (and is pretty sure he made a horrible mistake by not sending you home) do you really want to “try out” marrying him???
3.SEAN SENT DESIREE HOME BECAUSE OF HER DOUCHEBAG BROTHER AND RUINED HOPE FOR NORMAL GIRLS EVERYWHERE.
Okay, Des’ brother has hand tattoos and is completely awful, but Sean, it looks like Des is pretty rich. And remember, she’s cool and normal. Even though she begged you to keep her around, telling you how she thought it was a horrible mistake. SweatySean looked like he agreed there for a bit, holding on to her gold sparkly dress for dear life outside the limo. It was like a scene out of The Notebook that I’m sure his future wife will love watching over and over again.
Nothing else really happened that was interesting, except for maybe that Catherine’s mom didn’t give Sean her blessing to marry Catherine because she’s not a total idiot and also he probably doesn’t want to marry her anyway.
Like I said, this episode left me with more questions than answers. Some things I’d like to be addressed in the next episodes:
How rich is Des? Like, is she friends with Lauren Conrad or any of the former cast members of The Hills? How is she 26 and rocking a house in LA with, what appears to be, a private pool? Does Chris Harrison do premarital counseling? Is he available for consultation in regular-people relationship decisions? Has he ever been to counseling himself? How many girls has he smooched in his life? Does Sean always let people film him while he puts on his morning clothes? How many shirts does SweatySean own? Is he actually Jay Gatsby? Are his shirts made of silk? Every time Sean looks down at his shiny shoes, is he praying? Does he own prayer beads? Does he own any other kinds of beads? Does he think it was a mistake sending Des home? Did Catherine have to tape her boobs into her dress for the rose ceremony? If Sean picks Lindsay, will he also become a substitute teacher? Oh yeah, how rich is Des? Did she pay for her brother to get hand tattoos? Has her brother ever participated in a UFC fight? Does Ash Lee’s dog remember when Ash Lee’s dad let her get married as a TEENAGER? If Catherine’s mom had to rank her three beautiful daughters from prettiest to ugliest, how would she rank them? Is Des friends with Vera Wang? Does Lindsay know where Ft. Collins is on a map? Who loves making out with Sean more: Lindsay or Des? When will the answers be laid on Sean’s heart?
I just don’t know, guys, I just don’t know. It’s pretty clear at this point that Sean isn’t really that into Catherine, that he’s probably meant to marry Ash Lee and start a non profit for at-risk something or something, and that Lindsay is an idiot—but Sean is as unpredictable as any bachelor, despite his affinity for sunsets and God-talk. I guess we won’t know more until next week, EXCEPT THAT WE WILL BECAUSE TOMORROW IS A TELL ALL WITH SEAN. -@riggser (special thanks to @tylerhuckabee for his beautiful drawings)