“I HAD THE BEST DAY WITH YOU!”
Anyone who watches The Bachelorette knows that superlatives rule all, and that anyone can have three best days with three best guys. So, we got to hear about how Emily and Sweaty(Seeya!)Sean, Arie, and One-f-Jef had the absolute best days of their lives with the absolute best girl Emily who has made them feel like no one else in the world has ever in their whole lives and how they are madly, deeply, truly in love with her the most that a human can be, and how if this were the real world—wouldn’t this sort of weird-ass love rectangle be the cause of some serious scorn and maybe even illegal somewhere?
But, this is Chris Harrison’s world—and we don’t live in it. Let’s face it—this week’s episode of The Bachelorette was dreadfully boring. All we did was watch Emily make out with everyone, and then not let them stay the night. Sounds like Friday night in High School, right?
The only reason Emily felt bad about Sean is because she knows she’s supposed to like him. But Emily loves racecars and skateboards more than that Lincoln Sedan. Who wants a glass of boring skim milk when you can have Yoo-Hoo?! Who wants a sweatySean face when you can roll around on a boat with a tall glass of Arie all afternoon? No thanks, Sean. We think it’s great that you were Valedictorian, found the cure for cancer, started a non-profit that provides three-legged pets with overnight shelter, and that you hiked the Appalachian trail solo when you were a mere 11 years old. Emily doesn’t want perfect. She wants sex(y). But good grief, the guy made a graceful exit!
Emily is a classy lady—which we all knew when she had Ricki out of wedlock—but this episode, she really pulled out the big guns. SHE DIDN’T EVEN OFFER ARIE THE OVERNIGHT CARD. She sent him and his dark-sky-colored-parts walking away before the sun had barely set. Knowing she could resist the perfect (read: borrrringgg) smooches of Sweaty(Seeya!)Sean, she let him kick it just enough to leave in pain. And, well, Jef turned her down. Because he’s Mormon and he’s saving himself for me.
It’s pretty obvious that Emily’s going to choose Arie—if for nothing else just to have sex with him. I believe her exact words were “after our first date, I was done.” Which means that the finale is going to be tediously dull. There will be lots of tears, uncomfortably lengthy amounts of fake advice from Chris Harrison, and lots of people professing their undying love. And all of this will take two hours, while viewers wish they had waited longer on their DVR so they didn’t have to watch the commercials—or most of the show for that matter.
The worst part about what’s coming? One-f-Jef’s impending heartbreak. I’d be more concerned, but I know I have the antidote, because I am it. So, Jef, if you’re reading this—I’ve had some practice with marionette dolls (Justin Timberlake’s), I’m really into bottled water, I’m happy to learn how to ride a skateboard, and our coloring would match up wonderfully for some seriously beautiful skinny-jean-clad babies. I’m in the process of moving, so feel free to use my number, which I left for you in last week’s commentary (513 236 4894), to give me a call and get my new address. I’d rather not post it on here, because I have many adoring fans who may come running.
If Emily does pick you, please call me when you break up.