Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette brought tears to my eyes. Whether it was because One-F-Jef read me a beautiful account of his feelings while we (read: he and Emily) looked over the mountains—or because I spilled red wine straight out of the bottle onto my work computer and half of the keys no longer work—it’s hard to say. Either way, tears were shed, and I need One-F-Jef’s phone number.
This season is too obvious. Emily’s not an idiot, so she has literally gotten rid of everyone on the show that is an idiot. CrumblingChris, we’re sorry, but did you really think you had a shot? Of course you were a more plausible hometown visit than HowthehellareyoustillhereWolfMan, but for realzo. Against Arie? And Jef’s entire onslaught of Mormon ancestors? Hell no! Emily is too smart (I never thought I’d say that) to keep around anyone who isn’t ridiculously good-looking and wildly adroit with a marionette. Which is why next week may be the only unpredictable week of the show (Who will go? SweatySean or One-F-Jef?)
Since I’ve prefaced the fact that I watched this episode while trying to blow-dry my keyboard and text my boss, it should be noted that I was relatively distracted. Luckily, with a show as inane and drawn-out as The Bachelorette, I didn’t miss much!
Since Chris unsurprisingly went home, let’s just stick to what’s important.
1. Ricki has white-girl cornrows! Did you guys see that? Can’t imagine mom braided those herself!
2. Sean tried to make a funny joke pretending he still lived at home. It was a hilarious gag that nobody laughed at, mostly because we’re all still pretty sure he actually does live at home. “He’s a mess and he’s really into stuffed animals,” Emily said. What’s weird is that if you replace the pronouns in that sentence, I’m pretty sure it’s what most of my ex-boyfriends have said about me. But, I digress. Sean is sweet and all, but he’s seriously got to stop chasing after Emily whilst shouting her name. It’s getting old. We get it, you can jog. You’re fit. And after you jog, you can still go to smoochtown . Congratulations on your high-level breathing skills. She still doesn’t want to bone you as much as Arie.
3. One-F-Jef’s parents are doing “Charity Work” in South Carolina. Is that what Mormon’s are calling missions these days? Please. How this conversation hasn’t come up on camera is beyond me. Chris Harrison has obviously been involved in that. Regardless, the attractiveness of One-F-Jef’s family members was bizarre. I’m thinking there was some unmentioned adoption in there, and that’s something Emily needs to know about. Also. IS SHE GOING TO HAVE TO CONVERT TO MORMONISM? Just come out and say it, Jef. I’ll still love you. Seriously. I’ll still love you. (513-236-4894)
4. Arie speaks Dutch. I’ve gotta say, the European wildcards on this episode were one of the highlights (minus Jef in his skinny jeans shooting clay pigeons). I never thought we’d have such a multicultural crew! Besides the impromptu lack of subtitles, everything about the Arie visit was predictable. Emily still loves him the most; he had a good-looking family, etc etc. Just set the date already.
As far as next week goes? Emily has whittled out the most useless of the useless and is left with three guys that I would definitely make out with. I’ll be potentially torn in a lot of ways, depending on what happens. If she sends home One-F-Jef, my tears will be a mixture of sadness and pure, unbridled joy and anticipation. If she sends home Sean, I will cry for One-F-Jef’s impending broken heart when she chooses Arie. And, if, God-forbid, she sends home Arie—I will cry for my loss of faith in humanity, true love, and the goodness of the human race.
God Bless America,
PS-if anyone knows about wine damage on keyboards, please tweet at me.
Check out Liz’s other Bachelorette commentary from this season: