“Dude, just ask her out.” “Come on man, get with the program.” “I don’t know what you’re waiting for, go for it.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard phrases like that, I’d be set. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Condescending Married Tone (CMT).
I don’t know what happens between the “I Do’s” and the honeymoon, but apparently married couples acquire great dating knowledge somewhere in between this time period. During my single days, and there have been plenty of them, my married friends always had input in my dating life. Now, I have no problem with friends suggesting restaurants, date ideas, movies, etc. But, I draw the line when I hear that tone. Oh, you know the tone. We will refer to it as the CMT for the remainder of this post. I see you married folk guiltily avoiding eye contact right now.
I have trained my ear to quickly pick up any trace of CMT in a person’s voice. As soon as I detect CMT, I tune that person out. I just can’t handle my guy friends (who have this new sense of braveness because they now wear a ring) telling me to just go for it when there is a pretty girl across the room or at the grocery store. I just want to slap them, hop in my time machine, and show them how much of a pansy they were in the dating world. Hey, look, there you are not asking a girl out. There you are again shying away from a female. Funny, it’s like your wedding ring gave you some sort of amnesia specific to your past dating life. Well, I’m glad I haven’t forgotten all your mishaps and failed dating attempts.
The other typical use of the CMT rears its ugly head in the very early stages of dating. If you aren’t 100% sure this person is “The One” by the time you say goodnight on the first date, then you are wasting your time. “Colin, I knew instantly from the first time I saw (fill in the blank) that she was the one.” Well, sorry to disappoint, but I wasn’t blessed with “The One” radar. Not all of us can be The Oracle from the Matrix and know who “The One” is from the beginning.
After they chastise you for not immediately knowing if she’s “The One”, the whispers of the DTR (define the relationship) slowly begin to creep into conversations. “So, what are yall?” “Hanging out?” “What does that mean?” “Bro, you need to man up and have the talk.” It never ends! I’m moving into a monastery so I can avoid hearing any versions of the CMT. My only other option is getting married so I can join the world of the CMT and use it as often and recklessly as possible. I’m just playing, I wouldn’t do that to my single friends. Or would I?