“I wanna date you so hard and marry the f-ck out of you.”
These are the words One-F-Jef said to me last night during the latest installment of The Bachelorette. You probably thought he was talking to Emily, but you were wrong. His skinny jeans were looking at me. And his outer wrist tattoo? That’s of my given name, Elizabeth. In case you missed it.
Besides One-F-Jef’s advances on me, I suppose there were a few other mentionable moments from last night’s episode.
Finally, Emily sent home DaddyDoug for being boring, incapable of making a move, and not understanding that men and women’s bodies are allowed to touch—sometimes. Granted, he did awkwardly kiss her while she was mid-conversation, and that was probably what sealed the deal to send his “Charity Director” ass home. See you soon, Austin.
And can we just talk about CrumblingChris and NoChanceWolfMan for a minute? Neither of these dudes stand (read: stood) a chance with Emily, but Wolfman’s exit was by far the funniest to watch. Not only did his jacket on their date look like it was purchased from a 1998 L.L. Bean catalog, but he couldn’t even lock Emily down with a figurative lock of love. It’s like he thought, “What’s the best way for me to show my complete uselessness on national television today?” His overconfidence throughout the episode was a highlight, hands down. I believe he actually used the words “knocked it out of the park.” If by ‘knocked it,’ he meant ‘Emily’s interest’, and by out of the park you mean, ‘is absolutely nonexistent.’
So what else did we get to see? Emily and Arie on their honeymoon (oh wait, that’s not what they were on?), CrumblingChris crying his eyes out and looking like somebody just stole his lucky condom, and SweatySean “sneaking out” to pin Emily up against European city walls. How so ever did he find her? Maybe he was being followed by cameramen, she was being followed by cameramen, and the producers gave him her exact location and a GPS to find her. Don’t worry! As he told her, “No one’s going to know.” Lucky for SweatySean, he’s not being filmed.
The highlights of this particular episode though? The misleading preview that Arie was dry humping a producer for the past six years without telling Emily. Except it seems more like they made out in a bar once in college and awkwardly bumped into each other during filming, only for him to completely forget her name and the fact that he was supposed to tell Emily about every girl he accidentally kissed when he was twenty two. If that’s a prereq for dating on this show, I might as well not even look at the application.
Next highlight? One-F-Jef’s inexplicable marionette talents. This guy clearly has former puppeteering experience, and he is quite talented with fake dolls and a lot of strings. And his tongue. Whilst on the hardwood floor of the library. He knows the way to my heart. I mean—Emily’s heart.
So the question is—why didn’t we get any previews of the overly-revealing scenes from next week? Theory from @riggser (c/o @ellendunlap)—maybe Emily doesn’t go to everybody’s hometown? She was crying her fake eyelashes off during most of the preview, and perhaps she didn’t quite have it in her to take the pieces of Chris’ crumbling sanity all the way to Chicagoland just to dump him. Also-is One-F-Jef Mormon!? Salt Lake City, a bazillion siblings, not wanting to live together before getting married, and the fact that his parents are involved in a mysteriously vague commitment “somewhere” for “the next couple of years.” #dealbreaker I’m not sure Emily’s ready to convert Ricki to Mormonism.
But if that’s what One-F-Jef needs, I’m ready.
Until next week, @riggser.
Check out Liz’s other Bachelorette commentary from this season: