This season of The Bachelorette is challenging to mock, mostly because Emily seems like such a decent human being. And, strangely enough, she’s not ostensibly a complete idiot. On the other hand, some of these gentlemen callers have seen better days. And better hair.
I’m just going to go ahead and throw an opinion out there. Take it or leave it; it’s not like I’m the bachelorette. (Although wouldn’t that be something?) Doug and Ryan are the worst. I look at them like a team, because they are both nondescript not-quite-attractive 30-somethings with oversized shoulders. And, they both suck. Yeah, I said it, perfect-answer, DaddyDoug sucks ass. And ProBroRyan is right there alongside, cheering on his dada, hoping they can man hug it to the final rose ceremony.
Emily called Doug out on the obvious, but she still gave him a rose. He told her that his biggest flaw was spending too much time with his son, which is obviously absolute bullshit. That’s what your ex girlfriend would say? No. Ex girlfriends say things like, “He ate hot cheetos off of his bare feet while in bed with another woman.”
Then, Doug tells Emily that he started a charity. Seriously, DaddyDoug? What’s the charity? Does it support children whose dumbass parents decide to leave for three months and go on the Bachelorette? Is it a daycare service for desperate 33 year olds who put Daddying on hold to not make out with a hot chick on national television?
And, I’m pretty sure that up until this episode, “Charity Director” was not the tag found underneath Doug’s name.
Which leads us to Ryan. Now, ProBroRyGuy is the obvious target for the douche award, and it’s with good reason that we can award him such. For one, he has the most quotable moments of the episode, and the guy is seriously struggling with his pronoun usage. Two of his most shining moments:
“You and me’d have beautiful kids.”
“There’s a lot of depth between her and I.”
Neither of those things are true, to be frank. They would have pointy-noised, square-shouldered kids, and unless they looked exactly like Emily, they’d probably resemble a frustrated monkey.
And, the depth between the two of them is about the profundity of conversation during the two on one date, which was physically uncomfortable for viewers everywhere. All Emily had to do was pick the dude that didn’t cry and knew how to pronounce quinoa, and that ended things quickly. Thank God.
But in the end, she let longhair and Ch-Ch-Charlie go, which was a bit of a wild card for even me. Charlie cried, long hair cried, and well, we all know Sean was crying in the cave. But even amongst all the tears, we were able to catch the best glimpse of douchebagerry to date. When Ryan, away from Emily, revealed the following:
“I feel like I’m called to something bigger. When all this is done, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll get in touch with the media back home and we’ll do bachelor Ryan… isn’t it great to be able to use a position like this?”
Listen, ProBro, if producers are ever vapid enough to create a show around a guy with a 19-inch neck and a lack of self awareness, I’ll be the first to sign up. And I’ll do it in pursuit of Bachelorette Liz.
Shout out to @clairecgibson for viewing this episode with me and contributing to some of these mildly entertaining thoughts. Until next time, @riggser
Past Bachelorette Posts