Sh*t got real last night on The Bachelorette, guys.
Emily dropped the fuck word, Kalon left in a British rape-van, and the producers made Emily give the last rose to Arie even though we know she wanted to hand him the first one.
And, unfortunately for my wildly unbiased and widely read recaps, I’ve now realized that I have quite the conflict of interest in this show. Even though I don’t think he’ll make it to the final rose ceremony, One-F-Jef has officially stolen my heart. Just like the Dashboard Confessional song. Those knee socks he wore in last week’s rose ceremony, that pseudo faux hawk, and the fact that (shocker!) he wants love that they write about in fairytales. But seriously: he is my soul mate. When he spilled his soul to Emily in the top of the London Eye, I pretended he was talking to me. It was weird for the people watching the show with me, but true love knows no shame.
Alas, it’s time to bring out the big guns with the highlights:
1. Ka$h-Money-Kalon got the motherf*cking BOOT last night. We all knew he was a rich chotchmonster, but looks like he crossed the line. Calling Ricky baggage? With no defense? And telling Emily to “run along” during fake-play-rehearsal? He clearly knows how to win the heart of a lady who is six-times hotter than he’ll ever be.
He never offended me quite as much as the rest of America, because I was really into his sweaters, but he got the first legitimate emotion out of Emily all season. Don’t get me wrong; she’s really nice. But, that’s about it. I’m sure her side commentary is hilarious when she and Ricky are at home watching The Chapelle Show together, but on screen, there hasn’t been tons of visceral emotion or moments that showed a sense of humor. So, when we got to see those claws come out, I was a little relieved.
2. Gene! Or was it Jean? Or was it Geen? Who the hell takes someone to an etiquette teacher for a date? Especially a guy that obviously only has access to plastic silverware when he’s not on National Television. One-F-Jef was quite the sport when Emily made their one-on-one into a two-on-one with a British-behemoth, Gene. Luckily, they snuck out so they could make out. But still, what the hell!?!
3. ProBroRyGuy is still a walking piece of booty-hole-remnants. How she kissed him is beyond me. I bet she closed her eyes, thought about Arie, pretended she was drunk, and then blacked out. Gross. It looks like someone cut his facial hair with a riding lawn mower.
4. Arie. Oh, Arie. The dynamic of the show is so bizarre, because there are moments where it appears as though Emily and Arie are a couple, and she’s just hanging out with the other guys on the side. She goes to talk to him, and the have probably the most natural and genuine conversations in the history of the show. And then they hold each other, smooch, and she has to pretend like she has doubts about him. It’s how every good relationship starts!
5. Scenes from next week. Anyone who watches reality television knows that this is the best part of the show. You sit through two hours just waiting for the one and a half minute preview that packs in the most dramatic, highly edited, often-deceiving moments of the rest of the season. And what did we see in this preview? Emily making out with Arie like, thirteen times. They try to make it look like it could be other people, but they might as well have just shown us the proposal. Because, if Emily doesn’t choose Arie, I will burn down Chris Harrison’s house.
Until next time, @riggser.
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