Just so we’re clear, Stevie was wearing plaid cargo shorts for much of last night’s episode. This was hardly the main highlight from The Bachelorette, week three, but it certainly captivated my attention for the middle part of the episode. It was a toss up between that and his impromptu dance performance for Emily’s ‘friends’ (read: hired suburban moms). It’s shocking that she didn’t want her babby dady to be a Party MC. Still, after some serious country-music cameos and a couple douchemonsters later, some true colors are starting to show, and they’re mostly pastels.
We’ll go through some of the highlights in shades of pastels, starting at the least cool.
The lavender highlight:
“What do you think you and Emily have in common?” –Emily’s generic suburban friends
“Oh you know, lots of stuff, like taking my son to school.” –Crying Tony
Tony says that the main thing he has in common with Emily is taking his son to school. Not only does Emily not have a son, but we all know Ricky drives herself to school. Thank God Tony sent himself home (or did Emily trick him into thinking that he made that choice?). If the best common ground he can find is transporting children, it looks like he has about as much in common with Emily as a Subway system.
The light coral highlight:
“I would still love you[if you got fat], I just might not love on you as much”
It’s obvious that RyGuy will never get fat—he’s a pro sports trainer, guys. Which means that he probably coaches a High School football team somewhere in Illinois, and one of them almost played college ball once. But, once his man-peck-breasts start to point downward, he may be whistling a different tune.
The pastel pink highlight:
“Arie is a dainty man; I’m more of a physical guy.”
Not only are those two things not really comparable, but this sentence makes no sense. Oh, and then there’s the fact that Arie isn’t dainty. In fact, he’s the opposite of dainty. He’s tall. And wiry. And he’s a race car driver. Did we mention? He drives cars for a living. He probably has a lot in common with Tony, who takes his son to school.
The pale yellow highlight:
“I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish”
Oh man. Hands down the most condescending moment on the show yet—a little reminiscent of Bentley from Ashley’s season. But haven’t we learned anything from the lacking female judgment? Assholes always hang around for at least a little bit longer. Kalon makes Emily nervous; probably because he pays her to be. Still, she keeps him around for another week, and I feel great about it.
The baby blue highlight:
“Your girlfriends remind me so much of all my buddies’ wives.”
Doug. We get it. You’re a f-ing dad. You have friends who are married. And you have friends who have kids. Meaning you’ll fit into Emily’s world LIKE A GLOVE. LIKE A GLOVE. But, you still cheated in week one with that letter from your kid, and I’m not sure how far you can get without another correspondence from your twelve year old.
Now, obviously there were some ridiculous quotes this week. It’s hard to believe that actual human beings utter these phrases, which is why I think this episode has left us with some questions.
- I know the name of the egg that they broke this week, but I don’t know the name of the guy that brought it? Shelly, who’s your daddy?
- Is Kalon in the 1%?
- Did Ryan have somebody else in the house shave his facial hair into a design?
- Allejandro. Allessondro. Who? What? Where? Why?
- Who is the generically attractive blonde guy who got less air time than longhair? I’m sure she said his name during the final rose ceremony, but nobody can remember.
- What exactly is a mushroom farmer?
- Why doesn’t Emily run off with Arie and One-F-Jef and marry them both next week?
That’s all I got for now folks, until people start to suck more and Emily makes out with new dudes.