This guest post comes from one of the funniest people The Wise Guise writers know, Josh Smith. Josh is the Director of Contemporary Worship at Christ United Methodist Church in Memphis, TN. We are thrilled he found the time to join us for a guest post and we hope you enjoy! You can follow Josh on Twitter at @yeshuasmith and check out his music on iTunes here.
A couple of weeks ago, The Wise Guise TM approached me about doing a guest post and so I assumed that they wanted me to do a rundown of this summer’s hot upcoming movie releases. I also thought that was strange, because I haven’t actually seen a summer movie in the theater since I bought a minivan and started wearing socks with my sandals, but I was able to Google the movie posters so I’m pretty sure I’ve nailed this one. I now humbly present, The Wise Guise Summer Movie Guide TM. You’re welcome.
Timothy Green is a plant. A plant with a problem. One day he awakens to find that there’s a boy growing out of his socks. A boy without pants. Awkward hilarity ensues.
Snow White and the Huntsman Summer is about a girl who really needs to rescue her acting “career” from the last film series she did, and her agent is amazing.
This one is called The Untold Story. It is about a man and his pet giant spider, who together train in dark alleyways for their balancing circus act and end up learning how to juggle life’s disappointments along the way. This film is a documentary.
This is a movie with four world-class actors all at the top, in the hope that you will stop reading around the time you see the Dowager Countess and immediately start tweeting about how this movie will probably get snubbed at the Oscars even though it was clearly Judi Dench’s swan song, before you even reach the bottom and notice that its name is dumb as hell.
Stay with me on this one – this might be my most ridiculous speculation. I think this is going to be a movie that imagines what it would be like if the 16th President of the United States had actually been a vampire hunter.
The French Dustin Hoffman’s response to The Blind Side, this time for sure proving that racism is no longer a thing as a black man teaches a foreigner the difference between things that are untouchable and other things that aren’t a word.
Meet Piranha. She’s just a girl leading her smiley fish friends to the surface to see why it’s all green up there. It’s probably wholesome for your entire family.
A fast paced anti-sequel to Walk the Line, following the accounting career of Johnny’s illegitimate Swedish son, who has been gifted with a magical coat that shows how much fun his friends are having without him while he’s at work.
More like neighborhood don’t watch.
This heartwarming instant classic is about a bear that rises to the top in the seedy underbelly of competitive urination, proving that size does matter when it comes to matters of the heart.
Please watch me! I’m deeply independent, but am also opening on over 30,000 screens nationwide! I have a sacrilegious name and feature a hyper-intelligent child with a quirky extended family! I am sure to include at least one reference to a dead philosopher/poet who somehow managed to see the beauty in life despite its utter meaninglessness. Cannes!
This is not a movie poster. It is a warning.
Well guys, this was fun. See you at the Redbox in 2013. Don’t tweet any spoilers!