Since we’re not yet to the merge, the scoring each week is quite simple right now. After the female tribe stopped the male tribe’s dominant momentum, the alpha male alliance fractured quickly once it was shown Colton’s clever and not-so-clever band of misfits had the numbers, and Matthew was sent packing.
Team Joseph: 5 points
Team Colin: 5 points
Team Clayton: 4 points
Team Joseph Pre-Game Locker Room Pep Talk
Bill: Well, while texting Clayton during last week’s episode, after Bill completely choked doing the puzzle and then sounded goofily aloof and disconnected at Tribal Council, I said, “Oh crap. Bill is insane.” So Bill, you have some work to do. What you’ve done well so far: laying low early and easily floating from powerful group to powerful group based on where the numbers/leadership is. Additionally, someone like you who (hopefully) won’t usually cost your tribe victory while also not appearing as too big of a strategic or competition threat will easily float along for awhile in this game. As long as you don’t majorly blow anymore challenges, you should be just fine. No one views you as a threat, although you definitely have the ability to contend as the game gets into its waning days. Just don’t do anything stupid. Or be stupid.
Kim: I still think Kim and Chelsea are in the strongest position on the female tribe. They seem to be in a power position, but charming enough to not be targeted by anyone on the female tribe. Kim – just keep doing what you’re doing! Don’t get too locked into an alliance with ineffective members. If you can drag them to the end and beat them? Great. But if they’ll pull a stupid move because they’re flaky and won’t be loyal to you, cut them now to make your tribe stronger and your path to the end clearer.
Leif AND Jonas: I’m putting these two together, because they’ve been in the same group from the beginning. Neither of these guys ever pissed off the Ripped Guys Alliance. Both seem to understand the game well, be able to hold their own in challenges, and let Colton do all the dirty work. But both of these guys seem very likable, which can take you a ways in this game. These guys need to be playing for the long-term, because I’ll be shocked if they don’t at least make the jury, given the strength of their tribe, their position in their alliance, and their strengths as players without being too overbearing or being seen as threats.
Jay: Like Bill, Jay wisely jumped ship to vote out Matthew. Jay: be a contributing player around camp. Bro out enough to where people underestimate your intelligence and enjoy you socially without being obnoxious about it and being viewed simply as a threat. You need to solidify yourself with a core group of voters. A tribal switch would benefit you the most, as you could snuggle up next to some of the younger ladies and build a young, attractive people’s alliance. Until that happens, lay low and vote whichever way the wind blows on the guy’s team. It’s not time to make a big move yet.
Team Clayton’s “Come to Jesus” Emergency Meeting
Alright guys before I speak with each of you privately I need everyone to huddle up.
Dammit Colton quit playing in the dirt and get over here!
Guys we lost our team douche bag this week. It was inevitable seeing as everyone hated his ass but fortunately Team Joseph’s first pick was almost on the chopping block and we just lost our last pick (given there were three players available to choose from). If you see Joseph around please make fun of him. A lot. He takes this shit very seriously for some reason and needs to be humbled. We can’t afford to lose another player until both Joseph and Colin lose at least one so get it together this week if you want to continue to receive my bribes. Speaking of the bribes, make sure the other guys don’t know that I’m paying you on the side.
Chelsea: What up lil’ momma? I’ve been thinking a lot about what we discussed in our last private meeting and I’m not sure I’m ready to date you just yet but I’m still thinking about it. You have GOT to try to find a way to focus on the game and quit daydreaming about me all day! Listen, you’re in a strong position so just keep up the good work. Keep being a strong team player, don’t piss anyone off, blah blah blah. You know the drill. And if you don’t try to eavesdrop on Team Joseph’s meeting because it’ll probably be far more effective than mine.
Christina: Because you’re Asian and probably far smarter than me, I’m going to be relying on you to do most of the actual coaching of your teammates here. I’m like the Josh Pastner of Survivor coaching. Since you probably don’t know what that means let me explain. No no, it has nothing to do with Jeremy Lin. Good guess though! I’m the type of coach that recruits the best players and trusts them to do what they do. I’ll handle the media and all that jazz when you guys stir shit up, but you’re on your own to the play the game. Oh and Pastner does this no caffeine or alcohol crap. Not really my style.
Colton: Dude. You continue to amaze me. Pleaseee keep doing ridiculous crap so I can retroactively take credit for it all when you somehow make it to the finals. You are totes defying everyone’s preconceived notion of what a southern, homosexual, Republican is! Honestly, I thought you were just a frat star until Probst outed your ass this week. Powerful stuff. I’m going to need you to keep focused on the prize though and not just play grab ass all day. Literally. Oh and please learn how to run like a man. I’m already running out of excuses for you. No one bought that you were just mocking Cam from Modern Family. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if it gets in the way of you winning Survivor, we gotta cut it out.
Matt: Lose my number.
Tarzan: What up T? We both know this game is yours. I appreciate you having Colton’s back this week. I know you’re busy growing out your chest hair and all that jazz but will you please help babysit Colton and make sure he’s wise about how much time he spends with the chicks? I’m scared that’s going to come back to bite him in the end. Also, according to your Wikipedia page you can learn a new language in a couple days and already know the language of the great apes, as well as French, English, Dutch, German, Swahili, Arabic, Greek, Latin, Mayan, many Bantu dialects AND the language of the Ant Men. I don’t know how that will come in handy in the jungle but it’s pretty damn impressive. Even more impressive? You found the time to make a Wikipedia page for yourself already. Props dude, props.
Alright shawties and gentlemen, gather around one more time.
It goes without saying we can’t afford to lose anyone else anytime soon. I’m not here to baby you or hold your hands. Much like how I’m a golf coach in real life, I’m really just here for the moral support. If there’s one thing I do know about Survivor though it’s that it’s a game of relationships. Trust no one, except your wise coach, of course. I’ll take you guys to the promise land. Everyone else is a bunch of scrubs. So let’s put our hands in. No scrubs on three!
Real Talk with Coach Sto.
Bring it in, on the HOP! I don’t want to see anyone walking or we are going to go back and do it again.
Sabrina, “Coach, why was I the only one to receive a butt slap?” You think I give those out like candy? You better take what I give you, plus I’ve never slapped a black woman’s ass and not gotten slapped. Scratch that one off the ole bucket list. Ok, let’s clap it up for a solid week. I looked over the film and I was pleased with how we played. Eyes on the prize.
Michael, we are gonna need you to come up big this week for the team. Can you handle that? Michael,”Yes sir, I’ll do whatever for the team!” Anything? “Yes sir.” I need you to get Colton to fall in love/lust for you. Be his Tarzan.(silence) Michael, “Me Tarzan.” Guys do you see his dedication? That’s how championships are won. Not by fireworks, dancing, and an ESPN special.
Monica and Troy, I like your position right now, continue laying in the cut and do just enough to prove your worth. I still can’t believe Clayton drafted Matt. Troy, I hate to do this, but what are your thoughts on midgets? “Ummm…” Got ya. You’re my veteran leaders, be my Brady and Welker.
Kat, “What about me coach?” (looks down at clipboard) Kat, well looking at the numbers you need to do better. Someone once told me to be a Tiger. So, go be a Tiger. Smell Blood. “Wait, what.”(pats her on the shoulder) Exactly.
Huddle up! (Tebows) Do whatever the hell you’ve got to do to win on three! 1, 2, 3…”DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU GOT TO DO TO WIN!!!!” (Pops collar, whistle toss, points to the press box, music cued* slow jogs out) Because I’m a winner.