Team Clayton: 8 points
Joseph’s Expert Analysis/Venting:
I couldn’t believe my eyes as I watched. Having watched every episode of Survivor, I can usually read the editing of the episode to figure out who is going to Tribal Council. Mark Burnett and Jeff Probst occasionally throw us a curveball, but it’s usually pretty predictable in the first 15 minutes of the episode. So I was genuinely shocked when the guys’ tribe won immunity. Something was afoot. I sighed with relief at Bill and Leif living for another week. And then, IT HAPPENED.
Unprecedented. Unbelievable. Unfathomable. In a historic move, what has been discussed by tribes in the past actually happened. King Colton wanted to make history. First of all, it’s clear he’s watched Survivor before. He knows how this game works better than most of his fellow competitors. He seems to forget, though, that we now live in an Era of Russell Hantz as opposed to an Era of Richard Hatch. What I mean is that jurors are not very likely to award a victory to an obnoxious player, no matter how cleverly or forcefully he/she played the game. Boston Rob learned this lesson and eventually won when he steamrolled everyone, stabbing people in the back but picking his blind loyalist followers well (people who jurors couldn’t possibly want to win) while also building personal relationships and charming people while working hard. Russell never learned this lesson. Colton may very likely make it to the end. Who wouldn’t want to go up against him in the final tribal council?!?
After convincing his tribe in a true tour de force to be the first tribe in Survivor history to give away tribal immunity (each of the individual eight players had to agree to go to Tribal Council), we were treated to one of the most explosive tribal councils in memory. Race relations in America. Generational disparity. Economic policy. Sexuality in America. Stereotyping. Defense of nuance, complex humans who can’t be put in boxes based on race, sexuality, geopolitical locations. And then the tribe bowed to Dictator Colton and voted out Bill. The guys played the “As long as it’s not me” card and went along. Clearly, they’re competing in the “Sitting Next to Colton In the End” Sweepstakes. Jeff Probst, while saying it was a top dumb-ass move in Survivor history, seems to think that the smart move for someone like Jay or Jonas is to go along with majority and not rock the ship this early in the game if the majority was moving towards going. I tend to disagree. I think it would have been a great idea to stand up and say that this is a dumb idea and it would be better to keep a strong numbers game. Colton is clearly lobbying for completely forming a new alliance when merging anyways. Stand up to the madness and stay strong. BUT, if you’re staking your claim on sitting next to Colton in the end, I guess it’s not that unwise.
On to my pep talk to my own little Final Four team…
Joseph’s Back to the Drawing Board Pep Talk
Jay, Jonas, Leif, and Kim saunter into the locker room inside the hut in the middle of the jungle. Inside, Joseph is wiping the white board clean. He writes at the top in all capital letters, “GAME STARTS NOW.”
Joseph: Alright guys, we lost our top draft pick. But let’s be honest… Bill seemed like a great guy. He was just a sacrificial lamb of Colton’s to show his true power. He seemed reasonable and nice. But he knew he was probably on the chopping block and still volunteered to go to Tribal Council. Leif… your decision was questionable too. But you’re still here so we’ll start over. Bill was nice, funny, and had potential. But after his great performances at training camp and the pre-season, he never panned out once the games started counting. He was disappointing. We can’t focus on the past. Especially with what looks like is coming in the immediate future.
As I thought might happen, it appears we have a tribal switch twist coming this week, which is usually what happens when tribes start out divided along gender lines. This means that the game restarts now. It’s like pressing reset on the PlayStation. With a fresh start comes new opportunities. Make them count. Don’t be stupid.
Jay: I judged you too soon. You not only seem like a player with a lot of potential at this point but you seem like you could make a run. I still wish you would have stood up to Colton but it’s a watershed decision that could still pay off. Now that you’re playing this card, don’t be a leader. Stay strong and steady. Romance one of the younger beauties. Form an alliance of people you can stay loyal to and work through. You can avoid being seen as a threat while still controlling a good bit of the game.
Kim: Haaaaave you met Jay? You’re both pretty people. Get to know each other. Hang out. Flirt. Make each other smarter. Bring in some friends. Form a Final 5 Alliance. Kim – you’re still a great American. You’re still a small business owner. So use those skills you’ve learned – be cutthroat yet smiling to the customers. Build coalitions to provide a steady foundation, but don’t be afraid to take risks to change the game if you find yourself losing power in order to reset the game and acquire a better position.
Jonas: You’re in position to be the behind-the-scenes leader of this team. You’re not seen as a threat and, yet, you’re in one of the best positions to win this game. You could maybe ride the Colton coattails all the way to the end and the million dollars. When this tribal switch happens, make sure you’re not seen as an outcast or a threat. Stay with the numbers and let others cut people’s throats. Make moves to start banking up anecdotes for the Final Tribal Council to show you’re a strong player who controlled your own destiny but was smart enough to let others appear to be the puppet master.
Leif: Leif… when this tribal switch happens, join an alliance and stay loyal to it. If you end up with Colton, start an anti-Colton resistance immediately to stir things up. He’s coming after you and he’ll do anything to take you out. So you have to go on offense if you’re stuck with him. If not, stay low and be loyal and hardworking.
Team Clayton’s Ragefest
Alright guys, after the shit we pulled last week I think we’re due for a celebration. As you all know, I’m not really in it to win it per se. I really just want to buck the system and you’ve all done a great job thus far. Colton, I still don’t have a clue why, but they are terrified of your crazy ass.
I was going to bring in Allen Iverson to address the team because he won’t stop calling to tell me how lonely he is. I pretty much knew what he would say though. So based on Allen Iverson’s hypothetical advice, I decided to instead bring in the head of our team’s party planning committee, Fred Smoot.
Fred, glad to have you here buddy! Can I speak to you in private for a moment?
I can’t help but notice you didn’t come in on the private jet that I arranged to pick you up. How did you get to Samoa?
Oh boy. Ok guys, apparently Fred has invited us to join him on his boat to hold our team meeting.
Colton, no touching anything you may find on board. Let’s just have a good time.
Before we get on board, let’s huddle up real quick.
Colton: I know it’s not possible but maybe take it down one notch this week. You’re a little out of control.
Chelsea: Lil’ mama, you know I got nothing bad for you. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
Christina: Try not to be so boring if you want to stay on this team. I’m going to need you to stir some shit up to remain a part of this squad.
Tarzan: Hell of a speech last week. Way to not get sucked into any nonsense and way to continue to look out for your teammate Colton. I may not care about winning but I also didn’t come all the way to this God forsaken island to get blown out. Keep up the good work out there!
Now let’s get our party on!
Team Colin: Operation Banana Peel
Mike: My man! You are a coach’s dream player. I tell you one time, you get it right. Gimme a five, up high, over here, keep wooing the queer. Mike, “Um, coach don’t you think that’s a little offensive?” Michael, did you hear what Colton said about Bill and comedians at tribal council? I’m just hoping Lief spills the beans about Santorum’s victory in Alabama last night and causes Colton’s head to spin. But, continue to build that bond with our potassium loving Republican.
Ladies (Sabrina, Monica and Kat): Can I have a word with you for a second in private? (begins to whisper) Listen, there’s a reason why I chose 3 women and 2 men. Did you see the shit these men pulled last week? Queen Colton has this group of boys more scared of his immunity idol powers than Lebron James taking the last second shot. Stick together and let these men continue to be led on a leash by the Coltonator.
Troy: I got those pills you requested. All you need to do is slip a few of these in Tarzan’s drink and the next thing you know he will be sharing “special time” in separate bath tubs with Kim. Cialis, so you can enjoy the moment when your ready. Keep up the good work.
Everyone, eyes and ears on me. Joseph’s team lost their first pick in the draft, Bill “Kwame Brown” Posley, so they are questioning management in a Dwight Howardesque manner. “What about Clayton’s team?” Listen, I’ve seen Clayton teach kids golf (Eric, pay attention!) ((inside joke)), let’s just say he’s the Mark Ivaroni of Survivor coaching. Clap it up. Banana Peel on three. 1, 2, 3, “Banana Peel!”