Welcome to the Inaugural Wise Guise Survivor Fantasy Draft! Much debate went into the format and it wasn’t even actually finalized until nearly the end of the draft. Here is the agreed upon format for the proceedings…
Classic, fantasy, snake style draft. Each of us will have a team of 5 to “coach” throughout the season. One little remaining castaway will be left standing all by their self on the proverbial playground.
Here is the point system: Survivor Winner: 50 points. Survivor Runner-Up: 20 points. Survivor Third-Place: 12 points. (If the non-winning finalists both receive same number of final votes, each one is awarded 16 points, PGA Tournament style.) If your player makes the jury: 5 points. If your player wins an individual immunity challenge: 3 points. If your player wins an individual reward challenge: 2 points. If your player is selected by the winner of the individual reward challenge to also participate in the reward: 1 point. Every episode your player survives gains them 1 additional point.
Let the record show that each of us fall in vastly different parts of the fandom spectrum. Joseph, as many of you know, is Mr. Survivor, he’s the mega-fan. Colin is a regular Survivor viewer and casual fan of the show. Clayton has yet to see a full season of the show and has only seen bits and pieces of various seasons due to past roommates. As far as he is concerned, Russell is the greatest Survivor participant ever.
The following took place via a ridiculous email thread on February 27, 2012. We think you will find this rather entertaining whether you watch Survivor or not. Viewer discretion is advised.
Joseph: Alright fellas… As for my first pick in the Inaugural Wise Guise Survivor Fantasy Draft, I’m going with….
Whichever of you two bozos replies first gets pick #2, thus cementing the order for the rest of the way.
Clayton: Greg “Tarzan” Smith…for obvious reasons.
Joseph: I just laughed out loud. Unsure if it was at the pick, itself, or the “for obvious reasons”. Clayton, I’d like for you to list some of those “obvious reasons.” Meanwhile, Colin… you’re up. Picks #3 and #4.
Just waiting to make the rest of my picks also makes me realize…
1) How much of a crapshoot making these picks two episodes in is.
2) How this is a fun cast and a strong season… not because there are a lot of people who you look at and say, “They could win!” But because there really isn’t anyone who fits that mold really in this season… yet.
Colin: I’m taking Sabrina (for obvious reasons) and Michael…championship
Clayton: Not a problem. Glad to oblige! Umm he goes by Tarzan and is in a survival contest. He has a killer mustache. And according to his Survivor Cast Profile (aka the basis for my picking) it says, “Inspiration in Life: Tarzan, who is empathic toward nature; kind, brave, noble, ‘manly,’ and Scaramouche (the Raphael Sabatinni version) – a statesman, romantic, adventurer, swordsman and empathic toward the needs to women.” Sounds like a champ to me. We use all the same words to describe ourselves! It’s almost weird you guys, for real.
I feel like Colin picking Sabrina is equivalent to starting the “kicker” portion of the draft. I’m not falling for that. I’m picking Colton Cumbie because he stirs shit up and already likes bananas, a lot (wink wink). You guys know I get bored easily!
Joseph: While I don’t think Colton will win, I think he will definitely be on the jury and has a good shot to be runner-up, because who doesn’t want to go up against him for the money? Two episodes in and no one really likes him. The non-buff guys on the male tribe realize he’s a powerful ally, but he’s not a threat to win. He will probably get you some good points, though, Clayton.
This is the second (or third) season I’ve done Fantasy drafts. Unlike previous ones, this one is not one where there are people I want. It’s a season where there are a few people I definitely DO NOT WANT and then the rest. With that said…
With the #6 overall pick, I’m going with Kim for these reasons:
– She looks kind of like Amanda, who is one of the greatest players to never win the game (she made it to TWO final Tribal Councils!)
– She’s one of the calm, cool, collected, and likable women who could survive if that tribe completely collapses and is decimated, then switch things up on the male tribe.
– She’s a small business owner…. people… THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT! In a capitalist society, a successful small business owner has already outwit and outplayed. She’s a winner, already.
With the #7 overall pick and the first pick in the third round, I’m going with Leif. Not only does his name seem like a homage to the great Viking, but he’s also a trailblazer on Survivor. And just a freakin’ stud. He may be feared as getting some sympathy votes come jury time… Survivor players often stupidly and insensitively vote people out on that basis. BUT, he may also be underestimated and float through until he shows how much of a threat he is. And I’m pretty sure Clayton wants to pick him next.
Clayton: Damn you beat me to the hot one I wanted! Which for obvious reasons you couldn’t say as your reason. I’m taking Leif Manson. Because the Big Three needs a point guard. And because Kevin Hart impressed me with his performance in the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game. This pick is in honor of Kev.
Joseph: Uhhh… Clayton! I just picked Leif before you did. You can’t have him.
Clayton: Nooooo (in my Aziz Ansari, Parks and Rec voice)! You took BOTH of my picks! I got mad and stopped reading after you took the hot chick! I’m taking Chelsea I guess. I’ll take the Southern blonde all day everyday. Any girl that can look good and catch chickens with ease is a winner in my book.
Colin: First I would like to say I’m at a slight disadvantage in the draft because I am at work and only have access to Gmail via my phone. I feel like I’m that guy not at the “live” draft and I keep calling in my picks. Anyway, I’m taking Troyzan and Monica, older wiser and silent giants.
Clayton: Still pissed. Taking Christina. Asians are smart.
Also Colin, Monica’s husband played football for Florida and thus is a tool and a terrible person. Do your research.
Joseph: A competitive contest where Clayton goes on tilt? Impossible, some may say. History has taught me better. The best offense is a good defense, some of those smart ol’ ball coaches say. I decided to go with that approach. Seems it was successful.
Well, time to complete my team. Thus far, I have Bill, Kim, and Leif. Strong team. If it makes you feel better, Clayton, I wanted Chelsea. So keep that in mind for a possible trade offer in future weeks?
Anyways, to complete my team. For my fourth pick, I’m going with Jonas. (See: Clayton’s previous pick and rationale.) I’ve loved Asians since middle school. Pre-Jeremy Lin era, even! Before it was cool. And back in the season of Survivor my college roommate affectionately called “Racist Survivor,” when they controversially began splitting tribes up by race, I rooted for the Asian tribe first and foremost. AND, I think Jonas is an underdog. Let’s do this!
For the final member of my team, I’m going with Jay. My best man’s name was Jay. Survivor Jay is not as obnoxious as Matt. And there’s no way I’m picking Kat or Alicia.
I’m pleased with my team. Let’s do this. I’m open to hear some trades.
And while you’re dwelling on your final pick, Clayton, consider that I’d strongly consider a trade of Kim or Leif for Chelsea AND another member of your team.
Just so you know… instead of sending me “I hate you” text messages, do something about your troubles and be proactive. Like Kim… a small business owner. A great American.
Clayton: Aha! You better hope they don’t do a puzzle because Leif can’t see the board sucka! You have all fallen into my expertly crafted trap, picking players you think I would want for silly reasons instead of players you think will win!
Defense doesn’t win championships anymore either. Look at the stats! (available upon request) Offense wins games these days! I’m taking Matt with my final pick. He’s an asshole and will be pissing everyone off (aka fun to root for), but he’s also smart and athletic and a leader. Thank you guys for watching me set my trap and then walking right into it. Fellas, it’s been a pleasure.
And Joseph, your trade talk after saying how “pleased” you are with your team is a sign of weakness. Backstabbing only gets you so far in Survivor, Mr. I Know Everything About Survivor. And you didn’t really think I was going to let you have both hot ones did you??? #noeffinway #iamthebiggestsurvivorfanever #ifibeatjosephitwillbethebiggestupsetsincethemiracleonice #ibetthatwasabitchtoread
Colin: Well there went my chances of getting to say Matt and Kat together. I know Kat is not the “brightest” player but she’s using her life experiences to help offset that hurdle. Oh wait, she’s “never done anything with the chance of failure involved.“ That’s like Clayton’s claim to fame as the highest 3 point % in rec. basketball history. He fails to let the reader know he is 3/3 in his career. But, I’ll coach her up and bring out her max potential; she will be my Dane Bradshaw. (Ben Moore clap it up)
Clayton: Colin, I actually thought about Kat. My reasoning for Kat was going to be that she’s actually been arrested for petty theft, which I bet neither of you knew (again, THIS guy did his research). She might just sneak up and steal the show. However, this also means she HAS tried something that she failed at. And I don’t accept losers.
You know what, I think we all did a great job, Ben Moore claps all around.
Joseph: I don’t know what Ben Moore claps are, but I know he’s a Survivor fan and a good American. So I’m always down to party.
Clayton, your final pick and explanation had me choking back laughter in the back row of my Property class. Nevertheless, I will play to stop your hatred of short people that is now dominant in post-racial America, thanks to Obama being president and eliminating all racism, except for racism against Jeremy Lin, apparently. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. (I’ve wanted to blog that since 7th grade.) Your hashtags also had me cracking up. Your “supposed” trap… we shall see. And while I will admit you did better research on these players, you can’t make up for the 23 seasons and counting of research I’ve done as a viewer of Survivor, a player of the Survivor computer game, and playing mock-Survivor games in the past 12 years as well. That research can’t be done online. It’s done in the heart.
Colin, you’ve got a ragtag bunch over there. But you’re a coach. I respect what you do.
Clayton: First of all, Ben Moore claps are the greatest. Picture his little red headed self in a shirt and tie, hair all fixed nice, volunteer basketball coaching for Fulton High School in Knoxville. Imagine him sitting down at the end of the bench during games and trying to lean forward far enough past the players to do a rapid fire, burst style clap. It basically embodies the true American spirit.
I would have included a picture of him for the sake of the post that will come from this but he has evidently joined the damn Tea Party and deleted his Facebook account. Don’t get me started on these people. We’ll save that rant.
And my team doesn’t care about format, although they would have possibly been drafted differently. Let’s be real, Colton ain’t winning shit challenge-wise.
Joseph: (Ben Moore clapping)
Here are the final team breakdowns:
Joseph: Bill, Kim, Leif, Jonas and Jay
Clayton: Tarzan, Colton, Chelsea, Christina and Matt
Colin: Sabrina, Michael, Troyzan, Monica and Kat